Relationship Seeking Advice

[fighting4him]

Pretty new to this,but would really appreciate some feedback. My boyfriend of 3 years and now recently fiance has been dealing with combat PTSD for 3 years now. We met in 2010 after he had been medically discharged from the army. He was hit by a mortar which tore through his knee and several pieces of the metal remain in his leg. This of course causes him a great deal of pain which tends to lead to him getting flashbacks. The first time I ever seen him have a flashback was awful . I can only describe it as seeing the one you love on fire and not being able to put it out. It kills me to see him go through this. Leaving him has never been an option I want so badly to just help him in any way possible...

Recently I've been having him describe to me what he see's and smells,since I often see him covering his nose during the beginning of a flashback.(I've also noticed that his flashbacks tend to be the same 3 repetitive experiences). It has seemed to help him somewhat . I've also found that while he is having a flashback holding him in my arms and spraying my perfume that he really likes tends to make the flashbacks end a lot faster. He has told me the perfume let's him know he is just having a flashback and it doesn't seem so real then because its a familiar smell related only to home.

These are the only attempts made that have actually helped in some way. I just wish there was more I could do, or just a better way to know what he is going through. I've read countless websites on PTSD but I know I will never truly understand the extent of what it really is. I've tried getting him to go to a counsellor, or to talk to local veterans going through the same thing; but he's not comfortable with the idea. At this point we've hit a plateau. I'm worried about him because I see the depression is getting worse and hes had suicidal thoughts before. If anyone has any advice on the matter please feel free to help me to help him .....

 

[Snowangel1225]

He really needs therapy to help him work through this. It is not fair to you for him to be using you as his therapist. That's a lot of pressure to put on anybody...you are his girlfriend and partner, not a therapist. In addition, no matter how well intentioned you are, it is not fair to him for you to try to be a therapist. He needs a professional that can help him. He's very lucky to have you in his life willing to stand by him and help him in any way possible and I am glad you have found some ways that have seemed to help, but he needs more. It's hard to watch someone you love struggle and suffer, but this is not something you can fix.

 

[scout86]

I'm going to second what Snowangel said. I GET his reluctance to do therapy. Totally.

Here's a story he might find encouraging. In my own therapy, I'm real busy at the moment trying not to "go" someplace I really need to go. In an attempt (I think) to be encouraging, my therapist told me a story the other day, about a Vietnam era vet he worked with sometime back. This guy had had PTSD for over 30 years, untreated. He was doing the "barricaded in the cabin, totally off the grid, in the middle of nowhere" deal. His PTSD related to one specific incident. He had ONE session of therapy. He managed to reprocess the incident and, deal with it, and get past it. It usually doesn't happen that way, it takes longer. And, this guy maybe would have benefited from more than one session. But, he's ok and has rejoined the world. It's a shame he wasted the 30+ years. Your BF has the chance to deal with this NOW and have the rest of his life. Something to think about, isn't it?

How big a deal this turns out to be depends on a lot of things that are unique to the individual. It's easier to work things through if the trauma was a relatively discrete incident that happened to a mentally healthy adult. It's more complicated it there was trauma that started in childhood. It gets harder over time, not easier. It WON'T go away by itself. I hope he finds the help he needs. Sometime love just isn't enough.

 

[fighting4him]

Thank you for the advice I am really trying to get him to see a therapist. He continues to give excuses such as not having money or he's seen one before and it didn't really help. I'm praying I can just get him to go once again to just try, maybe then he would see that its helpful. Hes dealt with it for 3 years now and that's long enough for anyone. He's beginning to drink beer at night to just fall asleep because the anxiety gets so bad when he tries to fall asleep so I know nothing is getting better. I'm going to continue trying to make him see therapy isn't a bad thing or for crazy people as he puts it ..

 

[scout86]

They say "crazy" is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

There is also a site for combat vets associated with this one that he might want to check out. I'd also recommend the book "Once a Warrior Always a Warrior". Good luck to you both!