Seeking Clarity: Unpacking Trauma and Emotions

[BuildingSelf24]

It’s odd though. I find that my mind replays interacting with others after it’s done in a loop. Thinking about and anticipating what they would say about certain things. It would be fine if it wasn’t hard to come back down to reality and focus on the present. It’s like the experience sticks to me even appearing in dreams.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I learned that behind my dissociation especially at work is the feeling of worthlessness. It feels faint meaning that I’m either disconnected from it or have lessened it to some degree. I also realized that I don’t want to be happy or successful which could be why I subconsciously sabotage myself by making mistakes. I have a weird relationship with happiness and good things. I don’t want to be happy, I want to be neutral. I feel like happiness clouds my judgement.

I don’t want to be successful. I push it away like it’s something icky or something that shouldn’t belong to me. I guess I don’t think I deserve it. It’s like I can’t fathom having genuinely good things attributed to me. On one hand, I can see how this comes from trauma because often good things come with negativity from my family or I’ll end up being defined by those good things as if I’m not a human being with thoughts, emotions, and needs. I’m literally afraid of having good things or being labeled as good.

I thought I was content being somewhere in the middle but now that I know it’s getting in my way maybe I should change that.

After looking up the definition, happiness boils down to having my needs met. I do want that. I thought happiness only looked like being happy go lucky and naive. I didn’t realize that all happiness was is being satisfied, having enough. That’s all I’ve wanted for so long and to think I was pushing it away because I thought it meant I had to act or feel a certain way.

Success is the same. It basically means achieving a goal. I want to achieve my goals. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to. I never really know if I’ll have the bandwidth to handle a certain task until I’m about to do it or until I start it. I try to be flexible with my goals since life happens but I wish I could be more sure about that. I wish I could be more sure about my abilities but since the symptoms of CPTSD really reared their head it’s hard to have confidence in myself. I do try to go back to things when I can so at least I’m keeping the promises to myself although much later than I wanted to.

I realize that my views of happiness, success, and good in general are colored by trauma. After the first incident, I was forced to perform sexual acts for the abuser and his friends under the guise that they would tell my family what happened and get me in trouble. I see everything through the light of being forced to do something for someone else to the point that I forget my own wants and needs. My own needs and wants don’t matter and don’t get considered if I’m being forced. I still get so caught up in my mind and triggered about having to say no or push back against someone. I don’t even register sometimes that I can say no or push back; my mind is so stuck in the mode of having to fulfill what the other person wants or what the situation calls for that I don’t even realize I can get my own needs met.

“Good” was such a trigger for me over the last few years. It always meant that I had to do what was beneficial for others or what they wanted. I didn’t even know what it meant for something to be beneficial to me. It just means that it will help me to achieve my goals. That doesn’t sound as icky to me.

I’m reminded of the guys I ended up sleeping with and how I felt I couldn’t say no like it was just automatic that I do what they wanted. Some were very mean and nasty when I showed or said I didn’t want to. Some just wouldn’t take no for an answer. So I had a very sordid relationship with the idea of pleasure. It was associated with sex and thus very icky. But pleasure is about more than that. It’s about fulfillment. I think it’ll take some time for my brain to get used to that and the idea that sex can be a good thing. Right now I’m repulsed by anything remotely sexual. Maybe one day I won’t be but for now I’ll focus on more everyday feelings and concerns.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I was feeling very triggered by the mention of sex so I looked up the definition. Sex being the act of coupling makes me feel better about it. It’s not just about specific body parts interacting but forming a relationship. That makes me feel a lot better about it. It’s not so triggering. It makes me feel like it’s something I actually want some day instead of something I’m repulsed by. It actually sounds nice and enjoyable.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

Work has some triggering things lately. Thankfully I can choose not to work on those projects and leave it to someone else. I’m afraid to come in contact with anything close to violence and sexual assault or even talking about it. I think getting hit as a child really affects my daily life too. I find myself flinching or blanking out when someone is close to touching me. It’s not easy dealing with a specific family who is a child because of this. He’s very handsy and at any moment he will try to kick me in the stomach or hit me. He also does not respect boundaries. I know it’s hard for kids to listen when they hear the word no and you have to redirect them but this kid in particular seems to take delight in railroading people. I try to limit my interactions with him as much as possible when he comes over. I don’t like having to deal with him in my downtime when I want to have a trigger-free and relaxing time. It’s hard trying to manage my own reactions and make sure he learns it’s not okay to ransoming hit people and to respect the boundaries of others. It’s not helpful that his father, my uncle, has a victim complex and swears that people hate his child for no reason and that he should just stay away from people who don’t like him. It’s like he has blinders on to his own child’s behavior.

In general, I don’t like it when that uncle comes over. He used to hit me as a child and be very abrasive, reading ill intent in everything I said or did. I didn’t like being around him as I got older and I still don’t like it now. I can feel myself avoiding him and at times it is clear that he wants to me or others but knows he can’t. That’s a big problem with my family in general. They don’t like that they can’t hit the younger people in the family anymore. They know it’s wrong and that they can’t get away with it since we’re older. Then they take their anger out in other ways. While things are definitely better than they were when I was a kid. It’s not completely safe and the anger they can’t let out with whipping and hitting gets let out in insults and constant disparaging comments towards anyone around or whoever comes to mind. This used to trigger me so badly but now I just roll my eyes and play music to tune it out.

I can’t really be happy around my family. They can never be safe people for me.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I acknowledge that my family can’t ever give me the care and love that I need. That’s something I’ve always known but I thought that one day it would be different. I used to think if I just spoke to them and educated them that they would change. Quite the opposite, I became enemy number one after that and wanting to destroy them and take everything from them. Par for the course really. They would always see every mistake or action they don’t like as me being spiteful and vengeful towards them. It’s tiring honestly. Having to act like you care and love people who clearly don’t have the capacity to even offer real love and care. I could never fake it and they knew it. I couldn’t possibly act happy and friendly and fulfill the every need of people who have never and could never even have basic courtesy or respect for me. It’s made even worse by the fact that they swear they are the nicest, friendliest, cleanest most perfect people in the world and everyone else is nasty and rude. They can’t even see their own faults and if you uncover one, you will get snide remarks and vengeful actions because how dare you reveal their lies or show the cracks in their perfect exterior. It doesn’t help that their friends are exactly like them and can’t even see the contradictions in their own statements.

I just want to heal and get away from them. Sadly, if I want to see other family members I care about like my brother, I have to put up with them. Going no contact is a pipe dream but at least I can put up enough boundaries and stay at a distance.

I noticed today at work that I accepted something that was wrong thinking it was close enough to what was required. Someone else mentioned that it had to be exact. It was something small but it made me realize that I have a pattern of that. It’s good enough even if I’m not satisfied at all and it’s not what I want. I’ll be a shriveled up mess trying to get by without having my needs met but it’s fine and good enough. It’s really not. I’m tired of being told that I should be grateful when my needs aren’t being fulfilled. It’s not fair and it’s not right, especially when others can complain all day about minutiae. I should be allowed to get the love I deserve. I’m not demanding from it from my family. I know that’s a lost cause but I refuse to mask how shit everything is just so others can avoid the criticism they rightly deserve. Even as I write this I’m afraid to say too much and reveal too much. I’m afraid to reveal how crappy everything is and leave traces of it for someone to find. I’m afraid someone will put two and two together and realize I need help but another part of me does want that. It’s something I especially would have wanted as a kid and a few years ago when I was suffering a lot from PTSD.

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if they had been more supportive. If they had listened to me and my story instead of making it about themselves and what I’m not doing for them. Like so what if I’m late one day to clean a bathroom, I’m having panic attacks. It was so obvious to see and they knew it but didn’t care. They did the same a few months ago. I had a bad stomach virus plus the flu at the same time. They didn’t care. My mom hassled me about rent money that was coming up instead. Never even asked about my sickness or what was going on. My grandma just yelled that I was lying. The only person who even cared and checked on me was my brother. He was so adorable but he was also really worried about me since he could tell I was really physically weak. I really was. I was having explosive diarrhea multiple times a day and even fainted a few times when I tried to leave the bathroom. I was using Ubereats to get electrolytes drinks and soup. I couldn’t stomach solid foods. I was close to going to the hospital but I gave it a few days and it passed.

These are people who can’t even be bothered to get me cereal if they go to the grocery store but every time I get food for myself I have to ask what they want. They purposefully will leave off things I need and yell and scream about how I’m not doing enough when I work, pay bills, clean, and have to take care of my brother. They literally scorn everything I do and still complain that I don’t do enough. It’s so peaceful when they’re asleep or not at home. I want to save up move out but this is a new job and I want to feel more secure here before I make a move, especially in this economy. I only came back home because the PTSD symptoms were a lot and I wanted to securely work on feeling better while saving money. So much for both prospects. I even heard my mom commenting that I don’t deserve a good salary and should just work minimum wage and pay her money. No offense to others working minimum wage but here I could not afford to move out or do much if I was making that amount. I’m just tired of being made to feel like I don’t matter and my efforts are small and for naught, while being screamed at to do more. I already did treat myself like that for a long time.

The good thing about being home is I’m more compassionate with myself on certain things because I can see how my upbringing influenced me. There are parts of my childhood I can’t remember and things that are blocked. Being back home allows me to fill in the blanks because I know if it’s like this now when I’m an adult, I can only imagine how much worse it was when I was younger.

It’s already hard trying to do things for myself and then having people yelling to do things for them too is just too much. Sometimes I just want a break from myself and from others too. The break from others is easier to get but I can’t just leave myself behind. The moments of relief are longer now. I can function better now but some days are rough and I hate that I can’t be as productive as I want to be. It’s not like I have supportive people that will understand either. I’ll just get berated and called lazy or nasty. It doesn’t help me recover a sense of self worth at all. In fact, it just repeats the message over and over again. “Your efforts don’t matter and they are never good enough. You are never good enough. None of it matters. You don’t matter.”

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I realize that my family literally drains my happiness and sense of fulfillment. I can never truly feel content around them. They will always want more and always see me as lacking in some way because it’s never enough for them. No wonder it’s so hard to feel joy and happiness or even to hope for anything. I don’t have the energy to.

I should try carrying around some things that make me feel happy and fulfilled so I can get some relief since it seems the main feelings driving everything is worthlessness and feeling exhausted. I have a list of hobbies and things I own that make me feel good so I should utilize it more often. That way I don’t feel so down about myself.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I also think that work can trigger me at times because making mistakes triggers me. The idea of being wrong scares me and I feel anxious and worthless. But I have to remind myself that being wrong just means being incorrect or inaccurate. It’s not the end of the world. Something that’s inaccurate can be fixed to be accurate. It can be changed. The mistakes can be fixed in the present or in the future. It’s not a moral failing or means that I’m a bad person. It’s just a mistake. I was just confused. I won’t be abandoned or unwanted because of one mistake. I can’t always satisfy everyone else’s wants and needs. No one can, not even AI, not even robots. It’s just a part of life.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

Throughout the day, I’ll have the feeling that I’m in trouble. It is usually worse around the time my mom would come home as a kid. It’s tied to childhood where I would get punished for anything that they didn’t like even if it made sense to do. Them being upset always equated to getting beat with a belt. Now, the alarm bells go off in my head and I feel background anxiety that gradually builds to a panic attack. I have to learn that upsetting someone does not always mean that I have done something wrong and that it doesn’t mean that I will get hit. It’s okay to say no and do what I think will improve my situation. I won’t be harmed and I won’t hurt others by simply doing what’s best.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I was reading about cognitive errors. I realized that I’m always using should/ought to/have to statements. It’s my default mode for some reason. I also realized that it kept me from being able to care for myself more. I was elevating everything to the level of a moral or social obligation when more likely than not it has to do with my own sense of comfort. It’s no wonder I feel depleted. I’m disconnected from feeling contentment. Typing it out I realize it has to do with my family. Everything is a moral failing or some social contract that’s been violated. Focusing on my own contentment and fulfillment is selfish. I should focus on their wants and needs instead. I shouldn’t be comfortable because I haven’t “earned” it. Nevermind how hard I’ve worked for years and even now how hard I’m trying to manage my symptoms so I can be productive and do more. I’m a human being I deserve comfort and I need fulfillment.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I’m getting this uncomfortable pain in my arm and hand while I’m doing work. I wonder if it’s tied to the excessive sense of obligation. It feels better as I relax but I’m not quite sure why I feel so tense. I think maybe I have a belief around responsibility that is causing this. Or maybe I’ve hit a limit on how much should/ought to statements. Either way I’ll try to be more aware of what I’m thinking so I can combat any cognitive distortions.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I went a family party. It was interesting. I had never met that side of the family and it was really awkward not knowing anyone besides who I came with. It was weird seeing them be so genuinely loving. It was a sharp contrast to my own family. I felt kind of lonely and like I didn’t belong. I really wondered why I even came in the first place. A part of me wanted to say no but I did it because I thought I’d have my cousins as buffers but none of them came. Maybe in the future I’ll just say no.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I’m going to use this post to work through some feelings and belief about happiness.

I know that after being lied to by a guy I was seeing about his intentions I decided that I didn’t want to be happy anymore. I saw it as a dangerous feeling that could overwhelm my senses and make me stupid enough not to see what are clearly signs of ill intent or lies. Even before that, I started to question everything because I felt like I couldn’t trust myself after I realized that I was repeating my trauma and not being there for myself enough. I really isolated during those times and kind of still do.

Now I feel no inclination to do things that I would have done before like introduce myself to people I’m curious about or dance at a party. Now I’m not really sure what my interests are or what makes me happy. I’ve disconnected myself from them out of fear that they will just lead to more trauma or were just put there by the trauma. I’m afraid to interact with others just to find that they are the same as the people I’ve left behind or the same as my family.

I want to turn it around and feel happy but I have no inclination to. I want to be satisfied and content with my life but I have no connection to it. I feel anxious just thinking about it.

Thanks to members here I’ve realized that I’m just doing this to protect myself. I just don’t want to feel so hurt and betrayed again. I feel like I can’t take another hurtful surprise like I’ll just explode and my symptoms will get so bad that I can’t come back. I’ve had enough of being disappointed and my needs not being met. I’ve had enough of things not being how they should be and how I want them to be. I don’t want anything that is going to harm others so why can’t I get some relief and fulfillment. It feels like I’m stuck in a cycle of unfulfillment that I’m doomed to repeat.

I want to control and predict everything so I can feel safe and comfortable. The kicker is if everyone could potentially screw me over, I can never truly feel safe and comfortable. I’m robbing myself of the exact things I want and need. And I’m doing it because I’m afraid of my own reactions. I don’t want to feel so completely devastated and out of control. I don’t want to feel overwhelmed by the sadness and grief. I don’t want my symptoms to get worse. If I see awful in everything, when good things happen I can be neutral or even flippant about them. I can’t do the same when things happen that parallel the trauma or resonate with the cognitive distortions.

I’m preventing myself from being happy because of emotional reasoning and generalizations. I don’t want to feel the same way again and don’t want to repeat the same traumas so I generalize. In reality, the same thing happening in the same exact way is rare. People aren’t always the same either. There are always differences. I won’t always feel or react the same way to it. In reality, I can come back from the pain. It’s temporary.

What helped the most in relieving the emotional and mental anguish was to just stay away from the people who I realized were awful for me. Being around them was a huge source of stress and doing what I needed to do to stay far from them helped tremendously. I don’t have to isolate from the world. Not everyone is like those people and I can tell by who makes me feel uncomfortable and who tries to railroad me who I can trust and who I cannot. I can listen to my own internal signals and trust the cues I’m getting from people. I can and ought to put myself first when dealing with others so I can properly gauge if I want them in my life. I don’t have to accept everyone to my detriment and J don’t have to push everyone away to my detriment either.