BuildingSelf24
Sponsor
Welp, here goes nothing. I want to write a list of my traumas but I'm genuinely unsure at this point what is a trauma and what is just a trigger. I also don't want to write repeat incidents. I don't know maybe I'm not ready to dive into everything so maybe I'll start with my fears around that.
I have so many complicated feelings about the sexual assault trauma. In 2020, I was so mad at myself for not standing up for myself and reacting more strongly when it happened. I was 10 or 11. I don't really remember if it happened before or after my birthday. I just know it happened during summer break before I started middle school and my birthday is in August. I don't even remember what I did for my birthday that year. But the fact that I was asleep when it first happened was really a mind f*ck. I felt it but thought it was a dream and just went back to sleep. I felt a strange feeling when I did this like denying the reality changed some part of my brain. It's like a dreamy haze of denial came over me or something. I didn't even open my eyes to check if what was really happening or not. It was my little cousin who saw what was happening and ran to tell her mom. She was so young too maybe 4 or 5. The assaulters mom did nothing. It was already over by the time she came in. She just said that they should be careful what they are doing because her daughter was around. She looked at me and just huffed and left the room. I just sat there confused like what that was real but no real thoughts or emotions came up. Just that realization then nothing. I didn't even try to muster anything. I really beat myself up about that. But it was like something in the back of my mind was processing everything while the conscious me waited for it.
I sometimes tell myself that it was so small what happened compared to what others go through. I was just touched that's all never any penetration. But it does affect me. It's like the emotions and sensations and thoughts I should have had back then are coming up now. When I think about the touch, I recoil. I'm disgusted and I feel helpless. I want to say stop. My body tenses and I want to shut off every part of me from the world. When I'm sleeping or even during sex, I can feel myself tighten up in the same way. I can feel the weight of the distress and helplessness. I can tell that's what's happening now but before I thought it was my body's natural response and that sex just felt so overwhelmingly good that I felt the need to run from it. It's comical really. It's why I'm afraid of doing or feeling anything. I'm afraid everything I like or love is actually bad for me and I haven't realized it yet. Afraid every thought, feeling, sensation, desire is just placed there from the traumas. I fear none of it is the real me or how I really think or feel. I fear none of it is what I really want but what I erroneously think I want. I fear acting on them will lead to disaster like more sexual assaults, failed relationships, and more career pursuits I don't really want to be involved in. I'm just afraid of myself and the things I'll do and the people I'll put myself inline with. I don't want to end up hurt again. I don't want to make anymore mistakes.
I just want normal and natural reactions to things. I wonder what would have happened if I had realized that it wasn't a dream and what I would have done. I wonder how things would have been different but then I would feel the full weight of everything in that moment and the distress would be immense. Maybe even worse than now. At least now it is broken up a bit. I wonder what it would have felt like and what I would have done for relief. Maybe I would have been able to fight against it almost instinctually but what would the blowback of that been? I could only imagine how his mom would have reacted then. Then what the whole story to the rest of the family would have been. It would have been a lot.
A part of me doesn't want to lessen my reactions to things. I'm afraid to go back to not being able to react in the moment. I want to be more calm and get less triggered and have less flashbacks. But I don't want to be so numb and out of it that I don't see I'm sitting on and surrounded by a pile of shit.
I have so many complicated feelings about the sexual assault trauma. In 2020, I was so mad at myself for not standing up for myself and reacting more strongly when it happened. I was 10 or 11. I don't really remember if it happened before or after my birthday. I just know it happened during summer break before I started middle school and my birthday is in August. I don't even remember what I did for my birthday that year. But the fact that I was asleep when it first happened was really a mind f*ck. I felt it but thought it was a dream and just went back to sleep. I felt a strange feeling when I did this like denying the reality changed some part of my brain. It's like a dreamy haze of denial came over me or something. I didn't even open my eyes to check if what was really happening or not. It was my little cousin who saw what was happening and ran to tell her mom. She was so young too maybe 4 or 5. The assaulters mom did nothing. It was already over by the time she came in. She just said that they should be careful what they are doing because her daughter was around. She looked at me and just huffed and left the room. I just sat there confused like what that was real but no real thoughts or emotions came up. Just that realization then nothing. I didn't even try to muster anything. I really beat myself up about that. But it was like something in the back of my mind was processing everything while the conscious me waited for it.
I sometimes tell myself that it was so small what happened compared to what others go through. I was just touched that's all never any penetration. But it does affect me. It's like the emotions and sensations and thoughts I should have had back then are coming up now. When I think about the touch, I recoil. I'm disgusted and I feel helpless. I want to say stop. My body tenses and I want to shut off every part of me from the world. When I'm sleeping or even during sex, I can feel myself tighten up in the same way. I can feel the weight of the distress and helplessness. I can tell that's what's happening now but before I thought it was my body's natural response and that sex just felt so overwhelmingly good that I felt the need to run from it. It's comical really. It's why I'm afraid of doing or feeling anything. I'm afraid everything I like or love is actually bad for me and I haven't realized it yet. Afraid every thought, feeling, sensation, desire is just placed there from the traumas. I fear none of it is the real me or how I really think or feel. I fear none of it is what I really want but what I erroneously think I want. I fear acting on them will lead to disaster like more sexual assaults, failed relationships, and more career pursuits I don't really want to be involved in. I'm just afraid of myself and the things I'll do and the people I'll put myself inline with. I don't want to end up hurt again. I don't want to make anymore mistakes.
I just want normal and natural reactions to things. I wonder what would have happened if I had realized that it wasn't a dream and what I would have done. I wonder how things would have been different but then I would feel the full weight of everything in that moment and the distress would be immense. Maybe even worse than now. At least now it is broken up a bit. I wonder what it would have felt like and what I would have done for relief. Maybe I would have been able to fight against it almost instinctually but what would the blowback of that been? I could only imagine how his mom would have reacted then. Then what the whole story to the rest of the family would have been. It would have been a lot.
A part of me doesn't want to lessen my reactions to things. I'm afraid to go back to not being able to react in the moment. I want to be more calm and get less triggered and have less flashbacks. But I don't want to be so numb and out of it that I don't see I'm sitting on and surrounded by a pile of shit.