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Seeking Clarity: Unpacking Trauma and Emotions

Welp, here goes nothing. I want to write a list of my traumas but I'm genuinely unsure at this point what is a trauma and what is just a trigger. I also don't want to write repeat incidents. I don't know maybe I'm not ready to dive into everything so maybe I'll start with my fears around that.

I have so many complicated feelings about the sexual assault trauma. In 2020, I was so mad at myself for not standing up for myself and reacting more strongly when it happened. I was 10 or 11. I don't really remember if it happened before or after my birthday. I just know it happened during summer break before I started middle school and my birthday is in August. I don't even remember what I did for my birthday that year. But the fact that I was asleep when it first happened was really a mind f*ck. I felt it but thought it was a dream and just went back to sleep. I felt a strange feeling when I did this like denying the reality changed some part of my brain. It's like a dreamy haze of denial came over me or something. I didn't even open my eyes to check if what was really happening or not. It was my little cousin who saw what was happening and ran to tell her mom. She was so young too maybe 4 or 5. The assaulters mom did nothing. It was already over by the time she came in. She just said that they should be careful what they are doing because her daughter was around. She looked at me and just huffed and left the room. I just sat there confused like what that was real but no real thoughts or emotions came up. Just that realization then nothing. I didn't even try to muster anything. I really beat myself up about that. But it was like something in the back of my mind was processing everything while the conscious me waited for it.

I sometimes tell myself that it was so small what happened compared to what others go through. I was just touched that's all never any penetration. But it does affect me. It's like the emotions and sensations and thoughts I should have had back then are coming up now. When I think about the touch, I recoil. I'm disgusted and I feel helpless. I want to say stop. My body tenses and I want to shut off every part of me from the world. When I'm sleeping or even during sex, I can feel myself tighten up in the same way. I can feel the weight of the distress and helplessness. I can tell that's what's happening now but before I thought it was my body's natural response and that sex just felt so overwhelmingly good that I felt the need to run from it. It's comical really. It's why I'm afraid of doing or feeling anything. I'm afraid everything I like or love is actually bad for me and I haven't realized it yet. Afraid every thought, feeling, sensation, desire is just placed there from the traumas. I fear none of it is the real me or how I really think or feel. I fear none of it is what I really want but what I erroneously think I want. I fear acting on them will lead to disaster like more sexual assaults, failed relationships, and more career pursuits I don't really want to be involved in. I'm just afraid of myself and the things I'll do and the people I'll put myself inline with. I don't want to end up hurt again. I don't want to make anymore mistakes.

I just want normal and natural reactions to things. I wonder what would have happened if I had realized that it wasn't a dream and what I would have done. I wonder how things would have been different but then I would feel the full weight of everything in that moment and the distress would be immense. Maybe even worse than now. At least now it is broken up a bit. I wonder what it would have felt like and what I would have done for relief. Maybe I would have been able to fight against it almost instinctually but what would the blowback of that been? I could only imagine how his mom would have reacted then. Then what the whole story to the rest of the family would have been. It would have been a lot.

A part of me doesn't want to lessen my reactions to things. I'm afraid to go back to not being able to react in the moment. I want to be more calm and get less triggered and have less flashbacks. But I don't want to be so numb and out of it that I don't see I'm sitting on and surrounded by a pile of shit.
 
Welp, here goes nothing. I want to write a list of my traumas but I'm genuinely unsure at this point what is a trauma and what is just a trigger. I also don't want to write repeat incidents. I don't know maybe I'm not ready to dive into everything so maybe I'll start with my fears around that.

I have so many complicated feelings about the sexual assault trauma. In 2020, I was so mad at myself for not standing up for myself and reacting more strongly when it happened. I was 10 or 11. I don't really remember if it happened before or after my birthday. I just know it happened during summer break before I started middle school and my birthday is in August. I don't even remember what I did for my birthday that year. But the fact that I was asleep when it first happened was really a mind f*ck. I felt it but thought it was a dream and just went back to sleep. I felt a strange feeling when I did this like denying the reality changed some part of my brain. It's like a dreamy haze of denial came over me or something. I didn't even open my eyes to check if what was really happening or not. It was my little cousin who saw what was happening and ran to tell her mom. She was so young too maybe 4 or 5. The assaulters mom did nothing. It was already over by the time she came in. She just said that they should be careful what they are doing because her daughter was around. She looked at me and just huffed and left the room. I just sat there confused like what that was real but no real thoughts or emotions came up. Just that realization then nothing. I didn't even try to muster anything. I really beat myself up about that. But it was like something in the back of my mind was processing everything while the conscious me waited for it.

I sometimes tell myself that it was so small what happened compared to what others go through. I was just touched that's all never any penetration. But it does affect me. It's like the emotions and sensations and thoughts I should have had back then are coming up now. When I think about the touch, I recoil. I'm disgusted and I feel helpless. I want to say stop. My body tenses and I want to shut off every part of me from the world. When I'm sleeping or even during sex, I can feel myself tighten up in the same way. I can feel the weight of the distress and helplessness. I can tell that's what's happening now but before I thought it was my body's natural response and that sex just felt so overwhelmingly good that I felt the need to run from it. It's comical really. It's why I'm afraid of doing or feeling anything. I'm afraid everything I like or love is actually bad for me and I haven't realized it yet. Afraid every thought, feeling, sensation, desire is just placed there from the traumas. I fear none of it is the real me or how I really think or feel. I fear none of it is what I really want but what I erroneously think I want. I fear acting on them will lead to disaster like more sexual assaults, failed relationships, and more career pursuits I don't really want to be involved in. I'm just afraid of myself and the things I'll do and the people I'll put myself inline with. I don't want to end up hurt again. I don't want to make anymore mistakes.

I just want normal and natural reactions to things. I wonder what would have happened if I had realized that it wasn't a dream and what I would have done. I wonder how things would have been different but then I would feel the full weight of everything in that moment and the distress would be immense. Maybe even worse than now. At least now it is broken up a bit. I wonder what it would have felt like and what I would have done for relief. Maybe I would have been able to fight against it almost instinctually but what would the blowback of that been? I could only imagine how his mom would have reacted then. Then what the whole story to the rest of the family would have been. It would have been a lot.

A part of me doesn't want to lessen my reactions to things. I'm afraid to go back to not being able to react in the moment. I want to be more calm and get less triggered and have less flashbacks. But I don't want to be so numb and out of it that I don't see I'm sitting on and surrounded by a pile of shit.
I am SO sorry this happened
YOU did nothing wrong
Please be gentle with yourself
I find meditation life changing
I use the free app insight timer
Type in trauma or anything to help
 
I am SO sorry this happened
YOU did nothing wrong
Please be gentle with yourself
I find meditation life changing
I use the free app insight timer
Type in trauma or anything to help
Thank you! I know I didn’t but it’s hard to reconcile not saying or doing anything in the moment when I think about it. I want to scream and yell and protect the old me so bad. I think it’s just distressing to know there’s nothing I can do now. It’s in the past.

I’ve used that before but I’ve stopped mediating. It just makes me sleep.

I definitely read this and forgot about it. Thank you for reminding me! ❤️
 
Well… At least now I know partially why I feel hopeless and helpless.

I can’t change the past. I can’t go back and stop what happened. No amount of present day anger and distress will fix it. It just sucks. It feels shitty to have to accept it. It feels crappy to know the past has so many instances of just pure shit. It’s just depressing.

I guess my problem is I always want to do something about everything. I always want to fix what’s wrong and broken and bad but somethings can’t be fixed. Somethings can’t be changed. It’s hard to accept but freeing on some level to know it’s not possible. It’s one less thing to worry and concern myself with I guess. One less burden on my mind and heart.
 
Thank you! I know I didn’t but it’s hard to reconcile not saying or doing anything in the moment when I think about it. I want to scream and yell and protect the old me so bad. I think it’s just distressing to know there’s nothing I can do now. It’s in the past.

I’ve used that before but I’ve stopped mediating. It just makes me sleep.


I definitely read this and forgot about it. Thank you for reminding me! ❤️
Maybe sleep is what your body needs
I think a lot of us don’t stop moving enough to just rest and restore
We are human beings
Not human doings
 
Maybe sleep is what your body needs
I think a lot of us don’t stop moving enough to just rest and restore
We are human beings
Not human doings
Maybe. My body could be so tense and mind so full of thoughts that I need to rest but it’s also a sign of dissociation for me. It will happen even when I get enough rest. So I try to do things to keep myself alert and journal. That seems to help for a bit. I think sleep was a big coping mechanism for me so it’s not always good for me to indulge in it.
 
I identified an emotion today. I always thought it was anger but turns out it was contempt towards myself. I would feel utterly worthless when someone got away with something that hurt me. I didn’t know it then but that’s what it was. I was able to tell myself that I’m not worthless and that I’m valued, cared about, and important to at least my brother. I know 100% without a doubt that he loves me. That helped me feel better.

The sexual trauma made me feel so worthless that my own body could just be taken and used like that so carelessly and that someone could just brush it off so carelessly like it didn’t matter and like I didn’t matter. I did matter and what happened was a big deal. It shouldn’t have been taken so lightly. I should have mattered more to those people we were all family. It wasn’t that I was just worthless and unimportant but that they were broken and awful people.

I guess I also have value inherently as a human being although that hasn’t really clicked for me.
 
Welp I completely forgot to use my coping mechanisms when I was really overwhelmed. I did try one technique but I completely forgot about the one that helps me most. On the bright side, I got the best sleep I’ve had in a while. I did have a dream but I barely remember it and it didn’t stick to me. I wasn’t lost or trapped in it even when waking. It was actually pleasant to wake up today. I actually feel well-rested.
 
completely forgot to use my coping mechanisms when I was really overwhelmed. I did try one technique but I completely forgot about the one that helps me most.
I'd actually say you still managed this pretty successfully, you tried one, and have remembered that you forgot to utilise others this time... Which maybe means next time it'll be the forefront of your mind more? Does a prompt help? Like writing them down for easy access when overwhelmed?

actually pleasant to wake up today. I actually feel well-rested.
This made me smile 😊
 
I'd actually say you still managed this pretty successfully, you tried one, and have remembered that you forgot to utilise others this time... Which maybe means next time it'll be the forefront of your mind more? Does a prompt help? Like writing them down for easy access when overwhelmed?
Yea. Very true. I've been doing doing homework sheets from a book on dissociation. They have really helpful questions for diving into emotions and why they are there. I was doing some at the time. It helped a bit at the time but not completely.
 
I surprisingly got through the day with family with no triggers. Although there were annoying things, nothing got to the point of being overwhelming. I think my brain is finally learning that interacting with others isn’t always dangerous and that I’m not constantly in trouble without having done anything.
 
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