Hi,
I'm new to seeking help, at least in a sense. My earlier experiences with people in the mental health field for various concerns were either ineffective or re-traumatizing (medical trauma is in my past). I'm an amnesiac who experienced early childhood sexual trauma (age 2) which comes accompanied by somatic flashbacks and was traumatized by being hospitalized (age 6) which comes with distrusting people in the medical field (especially ones that ask personal questions) and unfortunately needing to inflict pain on myself to survive post-surgery.
I got Covid at the end of December, and I have been at various levels of trauma responses since then. It unfortunately triggered both of my traumas, and I had relapses through mid-March. I was starting to recover from being seriously disregulated (mitochondria damage in my muscles from the stress) when a co-worker committed suicide. I had pushed down my feelings for him four years ago as I don't date men, and they came back with a vengeance. I'm heartbroken, I was being ripped apart by continuing the work he delegated me, and stuck in what felt like early grief. I'm starting to do a bit better, but he was our lab manager, and I ended up strongly encouraged to enter the lab when two previous weeks had caused me anxiety and distress. It got worse, and week 3, I became totally immobile while working in the lab by myself. I asked to not do the task that I'd done for the past three weeks because that many bad Mondays meant a likely new bad Monday--yes, that happened, and feeling coerced to enter that space resulted in me self-harming. (I skin picked, so nothing dangerous, but the mindset is one I would rather have not entered.) I'm working with my boss and HR on this situation which is interfering with my ability to do my job.
I'd love any support, words of wisdom, etc. I am doing therapy via EAP, and I'm hoping that this will help me to properly do my job again. TIA!
I'm new to seeking help, at least in a sense. My earlier experiences with people in the mental health field for various concerns were either ineffective or re-traumatizing (medical trauma is in my past). I'm an amnesiac who experienced early childhood sexual trauma (age 2) which comes accompanied by somatic flashbacks and was traumatized by being hospitalized (age 6) which comes with distrusting people in the medical field (especially ones that ask personal questions) and unfortunately needing to inflict pain on myself to survive post-surgery.
I got Covid at the end of December, and I have been at various levels of trauma responses since then. It unfortunately triggered both of my traumas, and I had relapses through mid-March. I was starting to recover from being seriously disregulated (mitochondria damage in my muscles from the stress) when a co-worker committed suicide. I had pushed down my feelings for him four years ago as I don't date men, and they came back with a vengeance. I'm heartbroken, I was being ripped apart by continuing the work he delegated me, and stuck in what felt like early grief. I'm starting to do a bit better, but he was our lab manager, and I ended up strongly encouraged to enter the lab when two previous weeks had caused me anxiety and distress. It got worse, and week 3, I became totally immobile while working in the lab by myself. I asked to not do the task that I'd done for the past three weeks because that many bad Mondays meant a likely new bad Monday--yes, that happened, and feeling coerced to enter that space resulted in me self-harming. (I skin picked, so nothing dangerous, but the mindset is one I would rather have not entered.) I'm working with my boss and HR on this situation which is interfering with my ability to do my job.
I'd love any support, words of wisdom, etc. I am doing therapy via EAP, and I'm hoping that this will help me to properly do my job again. TIA!
