Selected isolation - how's that working?

[heidi]

If this wasn't in the depression thread I'd say fine. But isolation and depression aren't good together.. are they?

 

[HëllaBubz]

I honestly don't know, I talk to so few people, just my partner, brother and mum and dad, so I guess I don't have to deal with this as much as you, but I do know what you mean about needing space, as I still have days when I retreat from my partner and family, and don't answer my phone or email for a day or so.

Good luck with it all, if worse comes to worse, can you ask your parents to just send you a short email when they are wanting to contact you, so that you can get back to them in your own time?

 

[Chondra]

Heidi raises a good point. It is an angle that needs to be considered.

I dunno ericabo. You know your family best. I could be completely off, but it seems to me like they really care. They are just at a loss on how to properly express it. If that is true, and you persist, they may not like it but they should be able to learn to live/deal with it.

Maybe a small compromise would work out - send them a short e-mail once a week or something, just to reassure them that you are OK. But then, they must respect your wishes and give you the space you need and leave you alone.

 

[ericaboo]

OK - Let's see - draft letter to my parents:

Dear Mom,

Recently you called me at work because I hadn't been returning your calls, and you said you got worried because you knew I had taken a trip to the coast, and what if I had been in a car accident or something? We had a good laugh, but what I said was that I was just really busy, my husband's family was having drama, and I hadn't had a chance to call you back. Plus, since your caller ID is blocked, I never know whether it's you calling or the collection agents. You sounded hurt, saying, yes I know, you are too busy to talk... and ended the call in kind of a guilt producing way.

This was all a bit untrue, because in reality, I'm in therapy to work on ADHD strategies and because of trauma from my childhood, and I know you disagree that I could possibly have PTSD, even though you are a clinical psychologist, and you don't seem too eager to learn about my ADHD diagnosis either. So I wrote you a slightly more truthful email letting you know, I love you, everything is OK, I'm in therapy and need some "me" time right now, and how you could reach me in an emergency.

I thought this was a kind way of getting some space without criticizing or hurting anyone's feelings, but you are not respecting my space or boundaries, and have even gotten Dad to try calling me. I fear you are trying to find out private things about my process because you may be disturbed by my changing or thinking about the past without it being run by you or being under your control to put your two cents in. Please remember, I'm 40 years old and entitled to my own version of events...

I find it difficult talking with you about these things because you have a negative and disagreeable response to some of the most important events that occurred in my life, even though we can make small talk, which is fun. Right now it's the serious stuff that's really on my mind, and I don't have much entertaining small talk to offer.

When it comes to things that have happened in the past, you remember them completely differently than I do, and I find that confusing and disturbing. Often I will feel that I am having an anxiety attack when you describe an incident that upset me, and in your telling of it, everything was fine. You will say things like - Oh what an imagination you have, and laugh about it.

This undermines my self esteem, whether you mean to do that or not. It makes me feel like a crazy person who can't even perceive the truth of my own life experience and the core of who I am as a person and where I came from and how I got to where I am. I know you have dealt with your own traumas and you are a fragile person, and very sensitive about being blamed. That is why I want to shelter you from this process I am going through, and perhaps we can talk about it later when I have sorted through what I really believe has happened in my life, and why I struggle with a lot of things today.

Maybe you'll find that it's not so scary or threatening or blaming after all, especially when I've had a chance to talk to someone completely outside of the situation, and own the parts of it that are completely my own personality, and nothing to do with my upbringing. I love you, and even if my childhood wasn't perfect, I am an extremely forgiving person and my love for you and the entire family is absolutely unconditional.

So please - if you could give me some space, and try not to worry, and not continuously try to contact me unless there is some serious crisis in the family that I need to know about, and would want to support you all with. I would really, really appreciate that. If you could do that, it would prove to me that you do respect my boundaries, that you trust me, respect me and see me as an adult, capable of making a kind, loving decision for the good of myself, my marriage, career and most of all our family.

Much Love,

-Erica

 

[AngelaMarie]

It seems like a good letter imho. Erica, try not to blame yourself for needing some space. It isn't as if you are a child and need to be taken care of. You are a married woman. I don't understand parents, but I do know (from my experience) that they usually don't want to hear anything negative about your childhood because then they might have to take responsibility.

Wishing you well.

 

[heidi]

Amazing letter. That's great you could articulate all that. I don't know if your parents will get it.. but I do.
I really like what you said about sheltering them.
And how their different understanding of events makes you feel.
I think it's great you could take something that difficult and explain it.
I'm really in awe of that. I think you did a terrific job.
I think you're being pretty gracious all in all.

 

[Chondra]

Awesome letter.

Can you be my ghost editor?:D

 

[Helliepig]

When you set boundaries with people for the first time they often feel a bit sniffy and almost inevitably test those boundaries. Often then intensify what they always do, partly because they think it will work, partly because you trigger their own issues, abandonment, or whatever. It is often just a matter of holding firm and consistent - whilst being the same in every other way - and eventually they accept the new status quo.

I think your letter was spot on but it might not stop the behaviours from them because behaviours are emotionally driven - anxiety, fear etc. In order for them to just accept your words and do as you ask it means they have to deal with their own anxiety differently, and they may not be ready/understand how/or even think they should. What it boils down to is you holding firm, even if you feel mean or you get a lot of flack.

 

[ericaboo]

So hard. I don't even know if I can bear to send this letter, but it was a good thought process writing it.

First draft (which I erased) sounded very angry, last draft might be too nice..

Thanks again for the input. I'm feeling extremely stuck.

 

[ericaboo]

Just got another voice message - can't bear to listen to it...

 

[AngelaMarie]

Abby (your avatar) would kick butt! Take a step and take a stand. However, only if your are comfortable. I would just try to give you a little push. Who knows if maybe it could also be good for your parents to know you are learning to set boundaries and take care of yourself.

 

[ericaboo]

I just wrote another email saying - please see previous email - everything's fine - please respect my privacy - sorry if this hurts your feelings. I feel so awful right now, and I'm not sure what I did wrong.