Self-harmer In My College Class

[Lady of Longbourn]

I noticed a girl in one of my college classes with deep healed cuts on her arms but they aren't that old (maybe a month or two). I noticed how she dresses too, she seems younger then me 20 or so and mostly like a punk (wearing black and piercing) which is a loner in my mind. That's how I took it at least.

We dress very different/look different so I am not sure how she would take me approaching her or if that matters here?

Would you reach out and how? Or if you were that girl, would possibly you like the support? Or if reaching out is even a good idea?

I wish I could be more detailed but I have to run to class!

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I don't know if I'd reach out. Firstly because I would have no idea what to say. You can't just go "hey, I noticed your scars . Are you a self-harmer?" . It's difficult and I bet her friends and family are also struggling to be there for her but not push her away.

However, if she is a self-harmer, the fact that she's not covering up the scars might indicate a silent cry for help.

Can I ask, why are you considering reaching out to her? Do you feel like you have to? Or do you perhaps feel empathy for her and what she might be going through?

If I were in your situation I might try to connect with her. Sit down next to her in your next class. Chat a little. See what she's like.
I wouldn't confront her right away, just have an open mind and let her know I'm not quick to judge people. Maybe she'd open up eventually. Maybe she'd even appreciate the attention. But it's very tricky.

You should do whatever you think is right. Just keep in mind that she might not be happy to be confronted with those wounds.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Yeah I thought of just trying to chat and not saying anything but also had the same thought too how the scars aren't hidden...

It's empathy.

 

[Friday]

When I am emotionally invested in the outcome of the conversation? Nope. I wouldn't say anything unless it was brought up by someone not me, and then it would be flipping a coin as to whether or not I chimed in.

However, there are a lot of things I simply don't care about*... That no worries, I'll dive right in. As long as I wave myself in the general direction of tact (like not bringing something up in front of bosses or kids and T.H.I.N.K. before you speak: is it true, helpful, inspirational, necessary, or kind?).

So, for me, it would depend on how much I cared about the topic, and my mood in that moment.

___________

1. Care about = am invested in the outcome of the conversation, or there are repercussions to myself -or others- that I'm not willing to risk.

2. Don't care about = not invested in the outcome of the conversation, and regardless of whether the person dives in and we talk for hours, or blows me off, or gets really upset at my speaking to them... I'm affected not at all. I'm solid. Basement rock boundaries. Whether I'm (a) currently struggling, or (b) long past having any issue with either the subject matter or talking about it.

Ex1) I've spent 15+'years hiding PTSD. Oy vey. What actually got me here was a guy I know offhandedly disclosing about his combatPTSD. He didn't even know I served, much less anything else (although I've been a little wild around the eyes, or wearing my sociopath hat on more than off, so who knows. Maybe he tells everyone, maybe he was reaching out. I have no idea). The one offhand remark left me looney. Because the past 2 years I've been back to square 1. Bad. I desperately needed/wanted to talk to him about it. But I couldn't bring it up. I was waaaay to emotionally invested in the outcome of that conversation! Which is what led me here.

Ex2a) I struggle with the downsides of ADHD an awful lot sometimes, but am also very solid about it.
Ex2b) Rape, meanwhile, the only way I could care less on a personal level is if it didn't exist. I can do the 20hr ER schlep with someone who is acute, be trading coping mechanisms with someone months or years out like baseball cards, or be talking about it academically/abstractly until the cows come home. It just doesn't affect me unless it's day in day out. Ugh.

 

[Chava]

I'm not good at starting up conversation with strangers in most cases, but any light connection is probably a reasonable way to show yourself as approachable. I was horribly withdrawn in college and one girl had to make a point of approaching me to tell me how much she loved my boots and ask where I got them. I was amazed anyone dared to even talk to me. She was very friendly. We ended up being really good friends. If she had approached me and asked about my scars I would have crawled into a hole and died. I don't want anyone to ask me that even after we are friends. But that's me. Visible scars can be a way to ask for help but also a way to say "back the f*ck off". Some of my scars are in visible locations simply because I was super drunk when I did the cutting and it would be more attention-grabbing to wear a body suit. So I've prepared lies in case anyone asks about my scars. It's none of their business.

It sounds like you can empathize and maybe she needs someone to talk to...bringing up how you were drawn to her might be less helpful than just asking her where she got some of her piercings or something like that and just showing interest in her as a person. Maybe just let her know you notice her, are somewhat interested in who she is, and that you are friendly....look for a little moment where this would work. I think it's great you want to reach out. I always wanted friends more than anyone to rescue me, so keep that idea first. I just didn't want to feel so isolated.

 

[littlestars]

When I was younger I dressed like that and honestly, there were times when I just didn't give f*** who saw my scars. Other times I did.
Now, I only cover them when I know I'll feel uncomfortable with them exposed. However, I will ALWAYS cover them every time I go to my therapist's office, so I don't trigger anyone waiting.

Perhaps she just doesn't care who sees them. Maybe it is a silent cry for help. The only person that knows for sure is her.

I would suggest befriending her and gaining her trust somehow before saying anything. Usually if someone just randomly said anything to me about my scars and offered help or whatever I was kind of in shock. Though I thought it was nice of them, I would feel less inclined to confide in them. It just felt weird to me because we didn't speak much or all before they would say that to me. Most of the time you expect someone to say something rude and ignorant to you if you have self-inflicted scars.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

just asking her where she got some of her piercings or something like that

It's an idea I have a few myself but nothing like hers. Or maybe like a band on her shirt or something. Oh! We both have tattoos. I can comment on that...One of my tattoo has to do with sexual assault though so I don't always like saying that.

look for a little moment where this would work.

I'll have to figure that out.

It's a good idea to befriend her first/chat with her first if I ever say anything to her about the scars. It's not the hospital where the topic is more open. :oops:

 

[RussH]

@Ayesha I would reach out to her
I am sorry, I am not real familar with your own history, but if you have scars from self-harm, then you could perhaps approach her by showing her the scars.
She may rebuff your approach at first, but might come back to you later.
I commend you for wanting to help her, and if you approach her, then maybe she will know somebody cares.
Keep us posted.

 

[digger]

If you are only thinking of approaching her because she has scars, then I'd say no. If you're approaching her because you're interested in her as a person and think you'd have things in common and think you might potentially be friends, then go for it.

I personally would be a bit annoyed if someone only approached me on the basis of self harm because they were thinking I might need their support or thought they might support me without knowing me. I'd find that a bit patronising to be honest, but that's just me!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@digger That's a good thought and good way to see it. I don't see much we have in common on the surface to be honest.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Not too long ago, I asked for guidance (at another site) to know how to assist someone who reached out to me that was/is a cutter. I was inadequate other than trying to be there without adding my fear for her...ontop of what she must have been feeling. I knew she was seeing an T and stayed up a couple of times on-line trying to be present to her. (She is in another country and a holy woman).

I tried to use the advice by not judging being present and available, but it did not stop her from cutting only helped her through her night terrors. So I humbly ask, if anyone knows what would be comforting words for emotional availability or to really make a difference to someone that is in that much pain.

I am aware there is no magic formula but I would like to learn because I care for her as a person. I wish to learn. Would anyone care to deal with my ignorance and perhaps make me a better friend/person? Thanks for any consideration.

 

[Bekah]

I would recommend not approaching her until you have a specific idea of what you might do to help. It's great that you want to reach out to someone who you can tell is suffering, but 'reaching out' is a pretty vague term, isn't it? Before you try to involve yourself it's important to think through what would you be comfortable saying to her or doing with her. Like the above comments ask, do you want to be friends with this person? It's not necessary to be friends to help someone, but you want to be careful not to lead her on with the idea that you are offering more intimacy than you are actually willing to give. Complimenting her clothes, asking for homework help, offering lecture notes or offering up scraps of gossip could all be ways to approach her - but only if you're prepared to follow through. I'd advise against a direct confrontation - it seems more likely to scare her away than anything, but you're the best judge of the situation as you're the one in it.

On the other hand, people with problems almost always want to talk about their problems. The trick is just letting them know that it's safe to do so. Offering her an ear as someone who doesn't know her well and therefore has no need to judge could be a great thing to do. And if you feel up to telling her about any similar problems you have faced, I think she would feel more comfortable telling you about hers.

It's still a gamble - she could take offense, especially if she sees this as an act of pity, or she could simply not be in a place where it's possible for you to help her. But I think the instinct you had to try to reach out is really admirable. And even if in the end you can't do anything, I would say it's worth the effort on the off-chance that you can.