Sense of A Foreshortened Future

[Salu]

I´ve never heard of that being one of the symptoms (?) Familiar though. I thought a lot about death when I was a kid too, I was convinced that we all come from somewhere, from higher something, where all was one or something like that and I wanted to go back.

Oh, and I always wished that however or whenever I would die it would be as fast and painless as possible.

 

[cragger65]

It's funny, I never thought about this before as relevant, but I can remember when I was 7, every night I would imagine/fantasize that I had died, and the angels had come for me, waiting outside my bedroom window. I could see them lifting my soul away. I don't know if that's due to (suppressed) trauma? or just a vivid imagination. Nothing had gone really wrong yet, that I can remember.

I also had a very vivid "wolfman" that lived in my closet - he would make me come to him at night, and tell me, "If you tell your mother you love her, I'll kill her". Odd.

 

[Tinyflame]

I never had a 'Wolfman'- just thought if I said it out loud (or "thought it" too much, -or "somebody" figured out how important it was to me, in particular), that they would die. -So I substituted a lot of bear hugs.

-Come to think of it, I always thought I was "bad" at expressing myself, but I guess I was actually afraid to say it.

 

[cragger65]

Mercy, I love how you have taken a hard issue like fear/belief of immanent death and developed a positive practice out of it. I think that's what healing is all about, at its best.

Junebug, I think maybe you just had a moment of illumination... here's to many more!!

 

[Luthien]

I have a sense of forshortened future, but I also don't think I will succeed in anything. I feel like I am stuck in time. I have mentioned on here, that I feel as though I never escaped from my trauma, and that I am stuck there. Perhaps for me at least that is why I can't see myself graduting from college, having a career, being successful, or even being alive for my next birthday.

This is the first time I am thinking this out, but for me I think I feel like this because I really thought I would die when I was experiencing my trauma; I was surprised to have survived, and since I frequently feel as though no time has passed and I am still there, it isn't really surprising that I can't see a future for myself.

Also, I am sick a great deal of the time, with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, Celiac Disease, migraines, a severly low immune system, and I feel like an 80 year old woman instead of a 23 year old. I fear getting older because I am already feeling so awful most of the time. I am sure this contributes to it as well.

I hope this has been helpful.

 

[patrick]

Hi Esther,

Like you, I recently learned that "foreshortening" was a symptom of PTSD. For most of my life, I thought it was normal to expect that I didn't have much time left, and frankly, it cost me at least one marriage. I never knew what to say when somebody asked me, "What are you going to do with your life?" I felt like I had already done whatever there was to do, and that it was mostly about waiting for the end, and the sooner the better.

With all the responses to this subject, it's reassuring to me to see that I'm not alone with this, and it looks like it is something that can be overcome. I'm new to this forum and reading about other people's experiences has been a real eye opened for me. Thanks for starting this topic.

Pat

 

[SOB]

It's good to be reading this. Thank you for posting.

 

[A-RON]

Wow, I can't believe I didn't see this thread earlier. I can REALLY relate to this concept. I can't really imagine out past a couple months. I've had many, many, many dreams of death. I actually died in a dream, and as far as I know, this isn't supposedly possible. But I actually died in my dream. I was driving my abuser's sports car and I was driving with another friend in the passenger seat, against traffic on the bottom level of a double-decker bridge, and I swerved and went around the corner and down off the entrance, and another car came around and I slammed directly into the other car. I was going really fast. I felt the impact, and the windows all busted up, and I lost my vision in the matter of about a half second. I turned over to see if my friend was okay, and I yelled his name but he wasn't there, and I felt like I was floating, and I was completely alone and there was nothing but a charcoal blackness, and I immediately asked "where am I?" And I realized that the car accident wasn't in front of me anymore, and I realized I was dead, and I yelled, "WHERE AM I?" And I remember thinking it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. It was just neutral, and I panicked because I didn't think Heaven would feel neutral. And I remember begging God for forgiveness for everything I had ever done wrong, and I was really afraid of what might happen next. I was panicking like crazy, and after about 30 seconds of panicking and crying and praying and then eventually becoming calm, I then slowly gained consciousness, and I think my eyes were already open when I woke up. And when I woke up, my reality wasn't even half as real as my dream, and to this day I've never experienced a more real existence than I did in that dream.

 

[ugly]

I am amazed at how connected we are in our pain. Until tonight I didn't think anyone else ever thought about their own death. As a child I expected death would come any day and oddly enough when it didn't I wasn't relieved, I just thought it was one more thing I wasn't worthy of. Imagine that, not good enough to die, like life was my punishment. Within the last 4 years both of my abusers have died, but it has not brought any relief or healing. In fact I just feel more trapped, death used to seem like my escape, now I wonder will I face them again in death? Forever tortured by them.

 

[Shamstalat]

I always had a strong sense of futurelessness. Even now I often do, and the only time I don't is when I am talking about having a loving family with Mahtalat. But I used to think that every night I would die in my sleep. It has gotten better with time, though. Now I usually just think I will die within the next few years. The idea of thinking far into the future definitely depresses and triggers me. Coupled with other triggers I completely clam up and shut down at the idea of future. But at least I do think that I will most likely live to see tomorrow, and maybe next year. Will I be around in ten years? I still have a hard time convincing myself that I probably will be around in ten years.

-shamstalat

 

[pandora]

I too feel like I have a foreshortened future and being a nurse I have seen many ways to die and have watched way too many to even know how many.....I have so many people die..I have watched and now those visions haunt me (doing palliative care made it worse. I thought this was worse due to my medical background...nice to know I am not alone.

 

[SOB]

Yes, I have definately been there. This has been one of the hardest symptoms to overcome. This thought or thought process has cost me so much and cannot even begin to explain. This is a topic that I would like to hear and learn more about.
I am looking forward to hearing more of what you guys have learned, current insight, and thoughts.