General Separation, Seeking Advice

[awayhome06]

Hi guys,
For anyone that hasn't seen some of my most recent posts, I am married to a sufferer who has mistreated me and pushed to the point that he started seeing me as abusive and spiteful (I have been very angry with the behaviors and the excuse that it's what he needs to feel like a real person).
So we are gradually moving toward divorce, a somewhat complicated affair because we have two kids and I'm 6months pregnant and in school, and he is unemployed, etc etc.
My question is mostly for other sufferers, though I will take any advice gratefully.
My goal is to get through this as amicably as possible for my mental health and for the best for our kids. My husband is going back and forth between seeking my sympathy for the things he is going through unrelated to our situation, trying to start fights about our relationship, and being considerate of what I need. He is also still acting in ways that are disrespectful to me as a wife, feeling totally justified now of course because he has declared us not together anymore and now also posting publicly on social media that things are bad at home, he's been lied to and betrayed and leaving people to form their own conclusions of what he means, all phrased in a way that makes him look like some sort of martyr.
Does anyone have any advice for me on keeping myself emotionally detached from the things he is doing right now?
Does anyone have any insight into how I can act toward him in the coming months to attempt to make this go smoothly? I know I really can't control his actions, I just want to get through it with as little damage as possible and worry about taking care of my grief and emotional fallout on my own.

 

[Friday]

Post on Facebook asking for support & advice for how to deal with your STBXH & his girlfriend while you're 6mo pregnant, working, in school, and having a really rough time since finding out about the affair. * (see below)

^^^
Not. Even. Joking* (see below)

Mostly because I made a major mistake in not publicly calling out my exes lies. So all people had to go off of was what he was spinning. He was publicly lying about me.

You don't have to turn it into a Facebook flame war. In fact, I'd really recommend you don't. (LMAO. I actually created a blog titled "Things I'm not allowed to post on Facebook during my divorce."). But also, try and avoid my mistake. There's a difference between taking the high road -which is what I THOUGHT I was doing- and covering up for an asshole, which is what happened. In a vacuum of information, people believe the only story they know. Instead of protecting my kid? It did the opposite. Everywhere he went he'd hear conversations he knew were not true, and argued with them (because that's who he used to be, someone who would stand up for himself and others). At which point? :banghead: Every single adult he knew and trusted telling him in a dozen different ways that he was wrong. From the well meaning causal "Oh honey, I'm sorry, I didn't know you could hear us. I know, it's terrible to hear people talking badly about your mom." (Still implying that there WAS something bad, that was on me, and that he was wrong about why we were divorcing.) To the "Your mom is a lying whore." (From my ever classy in-laws, or the teenage idiot groupies from TheEx's band). Really. From well meaning to vicious, if people only hear one story? It. Won't. Even. Occur. To most people that there are two sides to ANY story, or that the story they're hearing may be nothing but lies. The days are gone where private citizens can "I'm not going to dignify lies with an answer." Facebook means public sphere. Where the rules of publicity apply. No answer = admitting what someone else says is true. Even "No comment" is better than silence.

Yes, a public rebuttal will mean that people will talk shit about both you, your husband, your marriage, and how tacky it is to be having it out on Facebook. But, from experience, not getting out in front of lies, innuendos, & half truths... Is a hard, brutal, and completely unnecessary road for both you and your kids to walk alone. It creates untold amounts of damage.

* There's a classier way of confronting Facebook Lies : Post that you won't be posting publicly about your divorce, but that if anyone wants to contact you privately, you'd very much appreciate the support.

HOWEVER When they do? Do be prepared to be honest with them. There's high road, and there's covering for someone. The moment someone starts lying about you and martyring themselves? You're not taking the high road, anymore.

 

[Snowflakes]

@awayhome06 I am so sorry it has come to this, I truly feel your pain.

Since you must live in the same house with him, getting through this with the least amount of emotional damage will be difficult but doable.

If you and your spouse can find a moment where you can talk rationally without blame, you might agree on a couple of things. One would be your own private space(s) that he cannot come into under any circumstances. Preferably both a bathroom and bedroom. This becomes your private sanctuary in your common home.

Another thing is to try to "detach" This is something I learned to do with my, at the time, abusive alcoholic wife. Learning a concept of the 3 C's: ( I paraphrased it from my notes)

• We didn’t cause it – it is not our fault
• We can’t control it – we have no power over the other person
• We can’t cure it –

and therefore "detatching" emotionally, I could survive and get to the next day.

Finally, find a friend, therapist, anybody you can call at the drop of the hat who will simply let you vent. You'll go crazy if you hold it in. You'll need an outlet.

I honestly feel sad you are in this situation. You have my prayers, hugs, and hope for a better future.

Take care.

 

[Fadeaway]

As a sufferer, I say that you have zero obligations to be a supporter any longer. Keep interactions short and sweet and try to limit your vocabulary to yes, no, and I don't know.

 

[GrayOwl]

Couldn't agree more.
Silence = guilty in other people's eyes.
People today are gullible, stupid, and thrive on gossip.
Speak up for yourself.
The high road is being
1) honest
2) simple
3) concise.
Don't elaborate or mudsling. Don't stoop to his level.
A simple sentence or two stating he is lying, what has or has not occurred, and people should think for themselves or contact you for the facts.
In doing this you are protecting yourself, your children, and your unborn child.
Saying or doing nothing may also leave you defenseless against gossip and heresay in divorce proceedings.
Sorry for your distress. Be strong.

I have ptsd. I don't believe that that entitles me to abuse or lie about my supporter. It's not always easy, because it's part of the illness, but I have to work on that at all times. In some cases, the illness blinds sufferers to that concept.
You've made hard and wise choices. Don't allow him to make it look like you haven't.

 

[GrayOwl]

After rereading your post.
More specifically to your questions:

How to deal with him?
I suggest you stand your ground.
As previously stated, honest, simple, concise and firm. Don't take any b.s.
That's where your other question comes in - emotional detachment.
This really requires practice. And by being burned a few times, you'll learn quickly. You need to always be on your guard, especially in face to face communication. Record your communications or have a witness. A reliable witness of your own - not one of his "buds". Keep accurate records of dates and events and conversations. Keep copies if you need to hidden away. (Kids should not intentionally be used as witnesses ). Mostly, keep your emotional state very guarded and analyze your reactions and intentions carefully before acting or responding. He's always "reading" you for signs of weakness.
If you cave in to something in a moment of indecision or weakness, just don't expect it to necessarily turn out well. I think you've learned that already. Dust off your trousers, forgive yourself for being human - we all are - and move on. Detachment it's possibly your best weapon. He sounds like he is using bully tactics - most combatants always do - that's the way the game is played - and the ultimate weapon of bullying is surprise. Lull the opponent into fake security and plunge the dagger in for maximum damage. See if he's playing those games. Detachment comes easier if you see that - and detachment is your best protection. You can anticipate and deflect most anything if you are adept at detachment. A strong support group or person to help you with this, to run ideas and events past, and rely on for feedback and warnings, is very very helpful. A strong spiritual base can help too.
I've spent many years working with employees in traumatic workplace situations, dealing with bullying and mobbing. Most of then self destruct if left too their own devices and emotions. Detachment is the greatest tool you can have in your toolbox. It can help you overcome situations which used too baffle you. Or destroy you. Mostly it requires a strong resolve, determination, vigilance, and practice.
I hope this helps. Feel free to pm me if you wish.
And after setting up proper defenses, move on to better things in life - hobbies, travel, family, whatever..... - enjoying life is what life is all about. Keep your goals in sight - when the battle becomes the only thing you see - you may have become one of us.

 

[grimalkin]

I'll reiterate the detachment and witness/recording part from @GrayOwl. I learned in the last few months that I can't really trust much of what my soon to be ex sufferer says, and not necessarily because he's being malicious about it. I can practice all the active and reflective listening in the world, and it's still as if we have two different conversations (ok, come to think of it, I've thought this ALOT throughout our relationship - to the point I've been tempted to record everything, all the time, because I thought I was losing my mind about our conversations being so different from what he remembers and what I remember).

The only thing keeping me going while we still live together, while figuring out how to separate, is basically taking anything he says with a grain of salt, being noncommittal, and keeping to myself. I could drive myself nuts wondering what he's told his family (from his sister, I got that she wants me in HER life because "It doesn't matter what his opinion is." I'm like...uh...good lord what has he told you?). But to keep sane, I keep telling myself it's none of my business what he thinks of me right now.

So maybe harden yourself to him - tell yourself it doesn't matter that he can be sweet right now, because that's not all there is to him. And at the same time, (I know this sounds impossible - I struggle with it every single day), don't take it personally. AND at the same time, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself - if you catch him in a lie, call him on it (or call him out if you're hearing it not directly from him).

I like @Friday's ideas too - your social community is just that - YOUR social community. You have as much of a right to be there, and stick up for yourself, as anyone. Surround yourself with the people you know you can trust.

Keep yourself and your kids safe. Have an "Oh shit" escape plan if you can - maybe that means borrowing money from your family, or friends, or anything, to have a safety valve where you can get out quickly, if it's at all possible.

*hugs if you want them* It all sucks, I know. I can't imagine having kids through this shitstorm (that is the shitstorm of ending a PTSD relationship, where the "normal" rules don't seem to apply).

 

[GrayOwl]

Escape routes & escape plan. Absolutely. At all times.
Know where your support and backup is, or better yet, keep them around you if he is in proximity.

 

[awayhome06]

Thank you all. I have been doing my best to be detached. I know now isn't the best to grieve over the loss, but it is so hard to set it aside.
Fortunately, the current method he's using to manage is to seek sympathy and praise. Both from his social circles and from me. In spite of living in the same house I've managed to avoid him much of the time and I do have my own space that he doesn't come into.
I know this situation will eventually end and that is both my lifeline and my despair. I don't want this marriage, but I know it would be better had there been a willingness. It's hard to give up on that even now.