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Relationship Struggles with CPTSD in Ex-Relationship: Seeking Advice


New Here
Hi, I’m new here, so please go easy.

I was with my long distance partner for almost 2 years and we had plans to get married and find a way to close the gap. She’s extremely intelligent and originally the goal was for her to come here because she loves the country I live in and doesn’t like being in her own country at all. But sponsorship and visas became an issue.

The relationship started great and we bonded as friends for a while before we met physically and the connection was just there. I knew she had her own issues and she knew I had mine. I suffer from Pure OCD, anxiety and depression and she has a lot of traumas and anxiety too. Despite all that we fell in love very quickly.

I’m very confused and feel alone because I find myself pondering on all the amazing things she constantly told me. She’s often told me I’m amazing and show her all the love she ever needed, that I loved her unconditionally, she finds me super attractive, she felt safe with me, I’m the only person she can be her true self with, etc.

However, she would constantly leave me. Sometimes it was my own fault and sometimes hers. Often leaving me feeling lost and hurt. I always understood that my need for reassurance and my OCD was frustrating for her and she would get very angry and avoidant when I would try to explain it wasn’t an attack and that I was just trying to express myself. But there were a lot of times where her trauma caused her to become jealous and she’d make accusations of cheating etc. which would result in me blocking out a number of friends I’d made online that were female. (I’m not saying I’m innocent in this either, as there was a few circumstances where she’d met some of her new guy friends and she’s naturally flirty, even though I trusted her. She ended up blocking them of her own volition when she realised that they did actually have ulterior motives.)

Financially, she is better off than I and so would often spend money on me that I didn’t ask for and use that as a crutch to make me feel bad when things went wrong, even though I was trying to get myself out of it. Even though I had spent money on her that I didn’t really have. She made a last minute plan to get married in May this year and she paid for everything but I lost my job last August and have been struggling since to find paid work. She cancelled the wedding once already and I ended up not being able to pay to get over to her. I made mistakes but I was trying and I’ve already started paying her back. It saddens me because I was working two jobs when we got together, then my father passed away and everything went to pot.

She keeps telling me I’ve put in the bare minimum effort, even though I’ve been looking for work in different areas, started working voluntarily, had a number of unsuccessful interviews, put myself on therapy and various different getting back into work schemes etc. Fortunately, I feel more confident now and have some hope of employment again after a recent interview I had.

I just feel so lost because she’s recently been diagnosed with CPTSD and calling me all these horrible things and telling me that because I couldn’t afford to make it to her that I’m basically worthless and a deadbeat. She doesn’t trust me and that I was the reason for her trauma alongside her mother and her exes because whilst I was struggling I wasn’t able to be 100% emotionally available in the ways she needed.

I feel like I’ve taken accountability for everything and I’ve bettered myself to try and prove that I’d never changed from the person she fell in love with in the beginning. I was grieving my dad and losing work, have been in financially dire situations, constantly being left by the person I trusted most and care about and trying to figure my own flaws out too. I know I made a mess of things but I love this person and I’m trying to make amends by understanding and paying her what I owe.

The past few months since the split we’ve tried to be friends and I’ve been trying to understand her PTSD but if it ever comes down to my own emotions or feelings, it’s seen as an attack. I just don’t know how to get through to her or communicate. I want this to work but I feel like it’s one sided. She is constantly telling me about all her new friends, male and female, who she can talk to and trust. She even still sends me pictures of her ab progress sometimes and asked for outfit advice recently.

I want to make it very clear that I take accountability for the areas I messed up in and had control over. That I’m not perfect either and I’m a work in progress.

I’m just left feeling so confused. I see her potential and how amazing she is but I don’t know how to turn my heart off and let go.

I feel like I’ve missed out a lot so if I’ve been unclear or missed anything out, please feel free to comment.
Hi there. I am responding as the “leaver” due to my unresolved CPTSD. My mom would blame my dad for things so I generally didn’t blame my partners and still hurt them because I was so on/off in relationships. I did the same with friends due to my inability to process emotions. I came as a non-binary & queer later in life, which I think was also the culprit but not for leaving friends high & dry.

This is all to say. It was my fault only, and not theirs.

Just as if you were to blame your partner and not own up to anything — sounds like you’re blaming yourself for things that happened to her before you & that doesn’t help either party.