Relationship Seriously Struggling Partner Of Ptsd Boyfriend

[Deb Bergman]

Hey Deb, thank you so so much for this! It's surely very upsetting to be in such a situation. Yes there ar...

Dear Goon,
You are so welcome for the reply. You are on the right path. It looks like you are now to the point of deciding that this relationship cannot continue at least for now. I think you answered perfectly how to approach telling him. Explain to him exactly how you explained it to me. Do it in a compassionate way, don't sound like you blame him in any way or are upset in any way. These are emotions that tend to drive a person with this disorder away and can result in parting on an angry note. Continue to let him know that you will always be there for him but that you can no longer neglect your own self and that you cannot allow yourself to fall into a deep depression. It is okay to set boundaries and approach them to him in a delicate way tell him that it is " not ok" to leave you hanging, not ok to stand you up. Tell him you understand his need for space but that it would be great if he could at least call you and let you know. Tell him that parting for now is a step for you to take care of your own self. If he is doing other activities and shutting you out, that is a classic PTSD response that he needs space. If he is giving you one excuse right after another, that is also him retreating into his shell. Take him up on the offer and give the space. You need this for you. You have the right to be happy and to be emotionally healthy. Exercise that right. Your doing great. The most important thing is that you recognized what was happening and figured out what you needed to do :)

 

[Goon]

I feel an instant sense of relief and contentment reading your replies and suggestions. :)
We ended up meeting last night after 15 long days and I did convey to him that it was not okay to stand me up and to keep me hanging. We have set certain boundaries of keeping each other informed. But honestly I wanted to end the relationship yesterday itself. I'm in a much better place now and very strong mentally and emotionally. He avoided the topic all together but we had a great time talking and laughing like before.
Every Night he seems to be in a very negative and self loathing zone and last night he said he won't let his guard down to anybody anymore because he ends up getting hurt. I don't think this was in reference to me because he likes talking to me and I know I give him some comfort as I'm the only one who knows about what he's going through.
Is there any way I can reel him out of this dark phase that he goes through every night? I want him to think happy thoughts and not be affected by the people around him too much. Yes he does want a lot of space but has never conveyed that to me openly.
Everything has been left to my understanding and he relies only on my maturity to handle situations thrown at me. He's not letting me break up though I did let him know exactly how I feel and that I'm very upset. He said we will talk about things and how to sort them out and that 'slow and steady wins the race'.
This has again left me confused as to what he really wants from me. I know I can't ask you for these answers but maybe you recognise this pattern or maybe you've experienced it too. It's a staying in the middle situation where he's not letting me go and he's also giving me reasons not to stay!

Once again, really appreciate the help!
Goon

 

[Deb Bergman]

Good Afternoon Goon,
It makes me feel really good that you found contentment and some relief. I am so glad to hear that you were able to set some boundaries for your relationship so that you are not angered by the constant excuses and "no shows" you were getting prior to my suggestion. I am also so glad to hear that you were able to schedule a meeting after 15 days and that you had a great time talking and laughing the way you used to before. Your significant other was in a state of comfort and it appears his PTSD mode was not triggered. He will ignore the topic of a break up because he finds comfort and pleasure with you and loves you. This will continue to take place because he really wants to have a normal relationship but his cognition or (patterns of thinking) if you will are often distorted and affected when the PTSD is triggered. PTSD sufferers go through constant negativity in their mind. He ends up getting hurt because most individuals that don't have the disorder really don't fully understand it. They are most likely not realizing that they are contributing to the "triggers" and offer poor responses that end up hurting your boyfriend. He will keep up that guard permanently to those people that he knows will set off his triggers putting him into a mode that he truly doesn't want to be in, but his brain unconsciously goes into this mode. He cannot help it. It is awesome that you have realized his complete needs for space. He may not suggest space because he may not realize everything about his own disorder. Since he has avoided any kind of counseling from a mental health professional, he is really missing out on valuable information that could drastically help him feel some sort of relief. Since he relies on your maturity to handle situations thrown at you, you are really in the drivers seat to not only take control of your own personal well being, but armed with knowledge of this disorder, you can actually help in many ways. You can even help without him actually even realizing it. He will not let you break up because when his PTSD is not triggered he has fairly normal thinking so the idea of a breakup is not something he wants. He actually is giving you clues by stating that he is willing to talk about things and sort them out. This is actually reaching out to you but this can only happen when he is in his "normal thinking" mode. The "slow and steady" means he is telling you that slow but steady works for him. Knowing the perfect ratio formula for what he considers slow but steady will be anyones guess unless he can be definitive about the ratio. You have recognized when he is in the PTSD mode by observing when he shuts down and escapes into a shell. With that in mind, it appears the appropriate time for any kind of discussion would be when he is talkative toward you and you feel like "the way it used to be".
Suggestions to you Goon from me who has experienced this before. I am by no means telling you what to do but throwing to you as much knowledge as I possibly can from my own personal research. You can then make an informed decision on your own.

1. Do you actually know what his triggers are? If you don't, a general guideline is this. Triggers can be sight, sounds, smells or feelings that bring on the memories of traumas of emotional neglect or abandonment, victim of a natural disaster of some kind, victim of a violent crime(robbery, rape, incest, physical abuse,verbal abuse, traumatic childhood, military combat, hopelessness. These can cause intense emotional and physical response. Knowing what his triggers are is VERY IMPORTANT. It will be the first step, Next would be learning how to avoid them. I always think in terms of distractions that are positive and ones that do not remind him of the trauma he has endured. One thing I learned that I never knew is that traumas are not just something physical, THEY CAN BE EMOTIONAL TOO) !

2. Continue to do extensive research on PTSD. Not only is it helpful to know about triggers and how to avoid them but it is also important to have POSITIVE THINKING which is essential to remedy the issue you brought up about his negative "loathing zone" or dark phase.
Keep the line of communication open.When survivors talk about their problems with others, something helpful often results. He will share with you what he wants to talk to you about. Just listen and reassure that you are there for him to talk to. Don't ask a lot of questions. If you do, phrase it terms of saying I don't understand could you please explain it to me? He will answer if it is something you don't understand but when it's a question in which he feels vulnerable, he will shut down. It is important for him to have his space but to not be totally isolated. Does he ever make efforts to be with you and others at the same time doing something fun? He will kinda tell you whom he chooses as support people that care.

Ask him clearly in one of his good moments what it is HE NEEDS FROM YOU. This will clear up the confusion you mentioned and he will feel more understood if he is the one to clue you in on what it is he expects from you.

Have you tried some different ways to relax, including:

• Muscle relaxation exercises. Maybe offer a nice back massage. I have done this for my boyfriend and it helps tremendously because it feels good and puts him in a relaxed state.
• Breathing exercises
• Swimming, stretching, yoga, taking a walk together in a peaceful serene place away from people and stressful factors like noise and traffic
• Listening to quiet music
• Spending time in nature

I recommend trying small amounts at first and then work up to more gradually. POSITIVE DISTRACTIONS ARE KEY. SOMETHING OR SOME PLACE THAT YOU KNOW WILL NOT SET OFF ANY TRIGGERS.

I don't know if he will be up to trying POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS(Positive statements that ones repeats over and over)but if he is, this will help him tremendously in replacing his negative thoughts with positive ones.You can even write some down and put them in places that you will see every day like the bathroom mirror!! Finding some that apply for your own self as well, will help YOU.

Research on the internet under Positive affirmations. There will be many links to click on. Find the affirmations that would best apply to your situation of things that would positively help your boyfriend along
Examples of some I have found by Dr. Carmen Harra: "I am superior to negative thoughts and low actions", "I am the architect of my life, I build its foundation and choose its contents", "i forgive those who have harmed me in the past and peacefully detach from them", "A river of compassion washes away my anger and replaces it with love", "Happiness is a choice, I base my happiness on my own accomplishments and the blessings I've been given", "My relationship is becoming stronger, deeper and more stable each day", "I am blessed with an incredible girlfriend".

Goon, I hope that these tools will help your relationship, your boyfriend but most importantly YOU. Please let me know how this worked for you. I have in my own relationship chosen to make it work. I have PTSD from emotional neglect as a child which I found out by going to therapy recently. I have learned that it is essential to have an open mind and want to grasp all the knowledge and tools you can for coping with this disorder from not only the standpoint of the PTSD Survivor but for the Supporter as well. I have learned that communication at the appropriate time is key. I have learned that listening is also key which can only be accomplished during the normal thinking phase. I have learned to be patient and learned to accept that in order for the relationship to survive I must take care of myself first and must distance myself when I feel angry, neglected by him or when he triggers me in some way. I have accepted that since his disorder is more complex, everything will be mostly about "him" and will only be about "me" when he is in normal mode. I will continue therapy to find out as many ways as I can to have a somewhat normal relationship.

Please Take GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF

DEB

 

[Goon]

Hey Deb,
Sorry for missing out on the most important point. His PTSD is due to three accidents that he had In a span of 2.5 years, and he also had a bad break up with his ex gf. That entire relationship according to him was unhealthy and full of fights and stress. He said he keeps constantly reliving those moments, to the extent that he ended up texting his ex to tell her about all this. He did that only once and never again will he do that. He mentioned that he was over that girl but wasn't over the relationship. This year in March his grand dad (who he was very close to) passed away which added to these feelings. I think it's hard for him to process any kind of loss.
Another thing I don't understand is that when he met me he was so positive and happy and cheerful. He was so romantic and tried to see me every day and showered me with all the love I could ask for. Was that him trying to cover up? Because it only felt genuine.

Yes, PTSD can surely arise out of emotional neglect. His ex gf neglected him in many ways and was really aggressive. He has never been with any one who has cared a lot for him or wanted to see him happy. Plus he hardly has any friends.

Last night he seemed to be in his happy place,wanted to talk to me and wanted my full attention. I have to admit it gets really difficult at times to understand how to handle his emotions. I believe I have a pure heart and a clear conscience and would love to help him out and make him feel better and get to the bottom of it. But there are times when my family tells me to be a little selfish and think about my own happiness.

After reading your messages and communicating to him exactly how I feel, I feel much lighter and at peace with myself. I can now re focus on my work,family and friends. I know he doesn't want to break up because in his heart he knows I understand him completely. Even though I get upset from time to time (that's normal human emotions) I know what he's going through and that it's not easy.

The day I told him how I felt and that I needed to step away from this situation for my own well being, he was devastated. He couldn't take it and told me he felt like he was in hell! His main trigger is any form of ignorance and / or neglect. He also doesn't like to discuss anything related to death,illness or accidents so I avoid these topics altogether.

He has a fear of dying and cannot come to terms with the fact that his close ones have to die one day. I have nothing to say to him on this so I just tell him to 'Zoom Out' and take life one day at a time. I don't know if I'm helping him or not but I know if I wasn't then he would have let me go. I think he likes the fact that I am very peaceful,calm and understanding and would always lend an ear.

All in all I want to ask you, what should my approach be now? I'm at peace and I'm moving on with my life and taking care of myself like you said. I'm meeting my friends and having a good time, at the same time me and him are in touch throughout.

I'm an Indian girl and I'm 24. For us Indians, our parents expect us to be married and settled by this age, and we met primarily for this purpose. However I don't think it's possible for him right now to think about marriage and settling down. Should I give him time? Or is it unfair on me to keep myself hanging? I know he wants to be with me and cannot think of being with anyone else,but is it really possible in this situation?


Thanks a lot,
Goon :)

 

[Goon]

Another thing that I left out is that he is completely devoted to the gym and he works out for 2-2.5 hours everyday, all 7 days. I know it makes him feel better and less anxious. Sometimes when he has these negative thoughts, he will go into his comfort zone (GYM) and work out extra hard! That is his way of blocking out any negativity!

Do you think when he doesn't follow up with plans I should let him know that I'm upset ? Or should I be more understanding of his situation and let it go till he's ready to meet ?
Thanks again xx

 

[Deb Bergman]

Hey Deb,
Sorry for missing out on the most important point. His PTSD is due to three accidents that he had...

Good Morning Goon,
It appears that you have been making real progress in your situation. I am so glad that you are moving forward in life and taking care of yourself. Its also great that you are spending time with your friends. You are making all the right decisions to take care of you first and foremost. You are not being selfish for taking care of you. It is very important to have good emotional and physical health. Any relationship will be better for it. I think you really should ask yourself deep down how you feel about your boyfriend. You in your heart of hearts should know if you love him enough to want to have a future with him. Forgive me Goon I am not familiar with Indian customs and I mean no disrespect. I don't know to what degree your parents will influence you according to your customs of being married by your age of 24 and if you will be pressured by them to move along quickly. This situation will take a great deal of time and something that cant be rushed along. Your boyfriend will to some degree always have this disorder. In some cases, it can be treated but he has to be willing to seek professional help. He says no to it because he doesn't want to relive those traumas that he has endured in his life. Unfortunately you nor anyone else can force him to get help. You can give him all the time in the world but I fear you will waste your young adult life away especially if it is only you who progresses in life but he keeps regressing and goes back and forth in his life.

My recommendation: Think about yourself Goon. What does Goon really want for HER LIFE? Are you willing to go the long haul with this man doing everything in your power to support him? You talk about him through it all that he doesn't want to break up but you need to ask yourself Do I want to break up? Is this the man I want to spend the rest of MY LIFE WITH or would I be most happy with finding someone else? What do I WANT? This is about me because I AM THE ONE THAT HAS TO MAKE MOST OF THE SACRIFICES for this to work.
I think for it to work, you need to tell him when he is in the GOOD MODE that he should get help if he wants a future with you. There will always be a loss of loved ones. It is part of life. His own death someday is also part of life. His emotional abuse from his previous GF is replaced by the genuine love you have for him but he will not know how to realize this without professional help. He will continue to dwell in the past and the trigger of loss will remain. This will be a constant round and round circle for you who will be neglected by him and always left hanging. If he loves you enough, he will do it.

Don't be afraid to set boundaries. Don't be afraid to communicate. You have already been more understanding of his situation than you realize. You have been on the right path doing all the right things to support this man. Tell him that he must contact you by phone if he feels unable to follow through with meeting you in person. Tell him it is not okay to leave you dangling all day that you have family and friends you wish to see. It is not fair for you to keep your life on hold waiting and waiting. if he makes the plan, then he needs to follow through. If you make a plan he needs to be honest and tell you if he feels uncomfortable following through. It is not asking to much of him to just call you. Tell him your not ignoring him or neglecting him. Wanting to live your life is not neglecting him. You always make time for him. Keep reminding him of that. Reassure him when he gets devastated. Tell him for this to work he must communicate what he wants and feels to you. Tell him you are not a mind reader and you find it very hard to handle his emotions at times. Tell him that he takes time outs when he must. You need time outs too. Of course once again all of this must be when he is in the GOOD MODE and said very nicely and not in a demanding tone. Ask him in this mode if he really loves you. If he says YES ask him why he was so cheerful and happy and showed so much love in the beginning. I think this is eating away at you to know if it was genuine or just some fantasy to distract him from all of his traumas. In the good mode he will tell you. I doubt he was insincere. I personally feel that he felt happiness. If you decide to make a go of it

It's all about Knowledge of his traumas(Which you already know and avoid anything to do with those) it takes Patience(Which you have). The need for space should apply to both of you(not just him) Space doesn't mean you are ignoring him or neglecting him. Communication which you both need to do constantly and Remember YOU and tell him that he needs to think of you too.

Good Luck Goon :)

 

[Dylan1985]

Dear Dylan1985,

I don't know if you were aware of this but PTSD can come in many forms. I wasn't a...

Hi Deb,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Everything you said was so helpful and made so much sense. To be honest, and I know this sounds crazy, since I joined this group over a week ago, I've had so much clarity in regards to everything that's been happening. I've always known he had PTSD and did know what it was but didn't really understand what it was, if that makes sense. He never speaks about it, what the experience is like, and I had done very little research. I thought more about his depression and anxiety than anything else. When I found this website and was able to read other people sharing experiences that were almost exactly the same as mine, I started to understand everything that's been happening and it all really made sense. I've been doing some much reading in the last few days and have come to understand so much about his symptoms, triggers and difficulties we've had in our relationship. I feel absolutely awful for the hard time I've given him in the past and how much I pushed him to 'meet me half way' in our relationship, when I now see he was doing his very best and just wasn't able to. It breaks my heart to think of how I've contributed to his symptoms without knowing, while all along I assumed he just didn't care enough to try.

I've confided in close friends before but they can't understand, and now I see why. You are most certainly right about going to see a therapist myself....I've known this is something I've wanted to do for a long time. I also find so much comfort in hearing about other peoples' experiences and learning as much as I can about this disorder.

I do know that I love him completely and that while a lot of what our relationship entails is very difficult, it doesn't change the love I have for him or make me think twice. Learning about all of this only makes me want to be stronger for both of us. I feel sad that I am only getting to this place after years into our relationship.

Thank you for your support.

 

[Goon]

Hey Deb,
You are so right about the fact that it all comes down to what i want. Thats where i think we all get lost. We need to think of our own happiness as well. Another thing that has upset me several times is that whenever he meets the guy who made us meet (A mutual friend),he doesnt talk about me at all. He acts like i dont exist and tells him his focus in life is on Work & his health and thats it. That really hurts and i remember confronting him on this and he didnt have an answer. I want to think of this as him going back in his shell and wanting some space,but i also am disheartened by his inability to commit.
Whenever i try to communicate with him he shuts off the topic.The only reason i have held on for so long is becasue i truly love him and want him to have a happy life and i know i can give him that as a partner. He's going to Dallas for 2-3 months this october(work trip). My birthday is on the 19th and from what i have heard he is flying out on the 12th. It really breaks my heart to see that he wont even consider staying for my birthday when he says im so important to him. The last time i told him that i felt i was not important enough to him he said that was "Totally Wrong".

I dont just want to be someones text or call buddy when i am investing so much time in that person and really went out of my way to help him out. Should i give him more time to decide what he wants? I not only feel helpless but also feel like hes secretly taking advantage of my politeness and ability to empathize(Dont want to sound mean). Every day i wake up feeling so frustrated and feeling like im nothing to him anymore. To the question whether im willing to go the long haul with him and make sacrifices - YES. ive never had an easy life and i truly believe in unconditional love. But If im feeling neglected every day how will that be possible? No relationship can work one way. It has to be a joint effort. He already said no for therapy and for consulting a doctor,So thats him backing off from making the relationship work.

I refrain from texting or calling him and if he confronts me on that i will tell him clearly that its because im hurt and i want to protect my heart and slowly detach,Because i dont see the point in carrying on alone. I dont want my emotions to get the best of me!


Anyway,Your suggestions are welcome like always. All that youve said so far has helped alot.

Goon

 

[Deb Bergman]

Dear Goon,

Great to hear from you. I too have the same issue with my boyfriend who is a former Marine. He talked about me in the beginning of our relationship to his buddies and he has recently upon my suggestion joined Facebook to connect with former Marine buddies that he served with. I thought it may help him to connect. Since he has connected with many, he has become consumed with Facebook and Facebook Messenger now. He no longer brings me up to anyone so I can fully understand how that upsets you. On my end , I get him telling his friends that he has no family (that his fellow Marine's are his family). That hurts me because though I understand he thinks of his Marine buddies as family, I also thought myself and my daughters were his family. I can understand him detaching from his mother, father, brother and sister because they all emotionally abused and in some cases physically abused him all through his childhood.

I am glad you did some soul searching and found out that this should be about what YOU want. I fear that this relationship of yours at least from my observations appears it is "all about him" 1. Not willing to get professional help. 2. Not wanting to commit 3. He does things on his own but when you want to do that, he feels devastated and feels neglected. You are correct when you say that a relationship has to be a joint effort. This seems next to impossible when he is in PTSD mode.

I learned a great deal today in therapy about that mode. I was shown a picture of the human brain with labelings of all of the normal brain functioning things like reasoning, communication etc which is in various areas in the top and sides and at the very base or bottom of the brain is what is called the "Primitive Brain" That is where the blood flow goes when someone is in PTSD Mode. All negative is stored in this portion of the brain. I also understand your frustrations with having a topic that is important to you "shut off". This means his brain is in "Primitive" mode as I just described. He doesn't have the ability to communicate or reason with anything while in Primitive because chemically all the blood is going to the primitive functioning. When he shuts you down is he in PTSD mode or the Normal Mode? I find this to be important and may help influence your decision on what to do. If he is in Normal mode and shuts off topics, doesn't introduce you to friends etc; I find that cause for a red flag of concern. Maybe this trip he is taking in October is a blessing in disguise. Not to get off topic but just so you know you are not alone,my birthday on August 9th was not of importance either. I got an excuse of having to work the next day so he had to be in bed "early" and when I got home from the celebration, lo and behold he was up and stayed up until 12:30am my time. that night playing on his phone. I felt very hurt.

Goon you recognize so many things. It is awesome. Remembering about YOU once again, YOU don't have to be OKAY with being someone's text or call buddy. YOU deserve better!

My suggestion: Be kind to yourself and keep distance. Use the time for yourself. If I remember correctly when you did do this, you were experiencing happiness. I know you love him and it's easier said than done but for your personal well being, it is necessary. I would definitely give him the time and the distance. That will naturally happen when he goes on his trip. Don't fall into the trap of communicating with him when its convenient for him while he is on his trip. This is about YOU. I would not just rush to him when he contacts you. Take some time before you respond. If you don't feel like talking to him then don't. When communicating with him do you use the "I" word. (Example: I feel frustrated when I am not being listened to." instead of You make me so frustrated when you shut me off and don't hear me." Phrasing with "I" as opposed to "You" makes a very big difference. When "You" is used that gets the other person to shut down and discontinue communications.

I will being doing the same. I am going to now take care of me and do what I want to do for me. I have invested so much time being there for him.

My therapist explained this to me and it make perfect sense so I am passing it along to you. (I replaced my name Deb with yours).

Think of the people close to you as being empty cups. You want to fill those cups by taking care of your loved one's needs. However, when it comes to the "Goon" cup it is empty. Instead of "Goon" filling up her own cup with meeting what Goon needs, she fills the cup with anger, being hurt etc and it's like acid splashing out on your loved one's When they get the acid splashed on them, they shut down and don't want to hear you, help you, talk to you or listen to you. If Goon fills up the cup with positivity for her and whatever she needs, the splashing is not acidic but sweet. Eventually all of the sweet that is splashed out, is received. If you think in these terms you will take care of you and do all of the things that you need for you. Don't worry about filling up others cups at the moment how can you feel good for Goon if your cup is always empty or filled with acid.

Deb

 

[Goon]

Wow! I never thought just stopping to read a thread on PTSD could help me in so many ways! Thanks a lot Deb you are really good with what you say!

So he has always been very shy and reserved about his personal life. But when he met me he really opened up so quickly that it was over whelming for me. Wishing weeks of knowing me he wanted me to meet his parents and sister! I know that was huge for him since he really blocks everyone out. Even during those times he often flaked on me for a couple of things. For ex : he said I was so special to I'm that he wanted to give me his late grand dad's army medals. -He mentioned it a couple of times but never did that.
-He never made me meet his parents even though he planned a few dinners with them.

I've met some of his close friends and had a great time! This was a couple of months back been things between us were very good. His friends loved me and he was sure to express his love for me in front of all of them! Now he doesn't talk about me. He wants to portray that he only wants to focus on his career and get things done work wise. However, he is in touch with me throughout the day and calls me everyday once or twice, whenever he gets time.
These conversations are very basic but we catch up on each other's day.

Today again I brought the topic of 'making appropriate de idioms' and that we need to talk it out. I'm attaching a few screenshots of our Whatsapp chat so you can see his responses. And yes Deb I can totally feel what you're going through as well, it sounds very similar to my situation. Birthdays are definitely important when your loved ones want to celebrate them with you. I don't think I'll want to be in contact with him if he doesn't stay till my birthday. I know it sounds petty and child like but we had so many plans of the near future as well as long term. He has taken everything away from me,it's very sad.

I do use "I" a lot when I speak to him, but this is after 2 months of not telling him how I feel and bottling up my feelings. I feel like it is now his turn to take responsibility and tell me everything how it is. It is a huge deal to take responsibility for someone you love and when you say you can't commit you are shying away from that responsibility (which is okay depending on the circumstances). He will not seek professional help and I can't force him to do that. As I mentioned earlier, I'm the only one who knows about his it's and anxiety. I don't want him to think I'm letting him down in a time when he probably needs some solid support.
He has already texted me 5-6 times while I type this message to you, if I don't reply to him he gets like this. This is such a sharp contrast to what he portrays in front of his friend. I know I have to start making some changes. He doesn't sleep before 4:30 am every day and I end up staying up because that's the only time we get to talk about things that bother him / me, it's more of a meaningful conversation. At this point I'm confused about what he wants from me, and I hope this weekend he makes things clear so that I can be fully at peace. I will not fall into the trap of talking to him when it's convenient for him because our time difference will be approx. 11 hours so it's not easy to talk all the time!
Please do let me know what you think of our little chat on Whatsapp and if I'm doing something wrong by the way I'm talking to him. To be honest he seems to be a lot better this month as compared to the last month(with himself).maybe he leaned ways to cope with negative feelings. With me it's been the same.

One more thing I'd like to mention is that he has this constant need to maintain an image in front of me. He tells me he's a workaholic which I know he isn't. He usually wakes up by 1:30 2 pm and tells me he's been up since 10am just because I am an early riser. He sometimes ends up sleeping all day right up to the evening and then lies and tells me he was in a letting. I don't see the need to do these things? I'm sure there are days when even daily activities are too much for him to handle, but I'd really like it if he was completely honest. He used to complain of body aches, breathing problems and difficulty doing simple things, but not anymore!

Deb, I would also like to say that you sound very confident and at peace with yourself, is it because of therapy ? If it is , that's Awesome! Keep doing what you're doing :)

 

[Goon]

Forgot to answer this : when he shuts you out is he in normal mode or ptsd mode?
Well, to be honest I don't know. He seems to be normal these days, and never really shuts me out. But he has been extremely and visibly distant and detached for over 2 months now, so that doesn't count as shutting me out. He said some time back that he only did this because he doesn't want to end up hurting me.
I think he's not sure of how he will ever handle his PTSD and if he really will be able to do it, and so he probably fears that I won't be able to cope up. He often used to express his fear over being alone with his thoughts and back on our vacation he used to hug me really tight and sleep (almost like a child) and something about that told me that he was in an unsettled frame of mind or was scared of something. I used to wait for him to fall asleep and then go back home. Any time he was alone he used to rush to meet me because he was scared to be left alone with his thoughts. I am scared that going to Dallas and being alone there will produce the same effects and he will become more dependent on me for the support and for being there for him when he feels anxious.

I met some of my girlfriends today and when he asked me of my plans for the night and I told him about them, he didn't seem to like it. He doesn't like that I have a life outside of him and often expressed it by complaining that I don't have time for him which is anything but true. I have learnt to look past that because the truth is I have MANY friends and I'm very active socially and I don't want to change that about me!

 

[Deb Bergman]

I think judging from the texts he is baiting you to want to talk. Then he says he will talk to you later about stuff but probably will come up with an excuse to not meet face to face hoping you will forget about what was said. He tells you if you want to move fast then you are welcome to do what you want. Then when you do it he gets upset. This in my opinion is a game with him and you will never be anything but baited and then neglected. Honestly Goon you are spinning your wheels trying to make this work because he is not willing to do what it takes. I fear it will always be more of the same. You deserve better than what he is giving you. You don't need this. If you are happy with yourself and can lead a happy life on your own without him, I would recommend taking that path. You will meet someone that truly appreciates you. I have learned through my own experience that when you try too hard to find someone, it takes forever. Let it happen naturally and someone will come to you when you least expect it.