Seriously Struggling With Uni Work

[Deleted member 17457]

I'm in the UK and after a few years out (due to illness - I have anorexia and borderline personality disorder) I've just started an integrated Masters in Pharmacy.

My timetable is incredibly busy. Most of the lectures I can deal with - there are maybe 500 students in there but I've worked out that as there are no actual benches, if I sit in the front row then I can escape whenever I need to, plus I can't see everyone so I can pretend there are fewer students. Some of my lectures are in smaller rooms where the seats are much smaller and I'm very much 'boxed in' which is a massive trigger. Discussion groups I simply CANNOT cope with. Practicals I have struggled to manage, badly, because the noise and bustle (about 40 students per practical) really trigger off my PTSD sx, and I have terrible anxiety about my competence (the last time I did practicals I had a BMI of 12, was drunk half the time and very anaemic so hardly functioning at my best).

I'm withdrawing from alcohol (unsupervised... despite having had very bad hallucinations - sign of DTs) and the benzos are knocking me sideways. I've had to stop the propranolol I was taking for anxiety because my weight is falling again and it's lowered my blood pressure to the point I can't stand up without fainting.

I'm at a point where I can still catch up if I knuckle down and join other groups for practicals, but I really don't know how I'm going to cope - especially without alcohol.

Basically, I need help with feeling trapped, being surrounded by so much noise and bustle, and just getting along with the course. It's even harder as I've literally moved into Halls STRAIGHT from 16 months on an Eating Disorders Unit that deals with co-diagnoses.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sad that you are dealing with so much. Can you go to AA? I do not know if you are up to it, but you will need alot of help and support in withdrawels. I am concerned about your fainting and your weight loss. Are you in therapy? This is something that you cannot afford to go without. You are doing amazing in school with all that you are dealing with. Mabe someone wiser will come along to assist you. I just wanted you to get a response. You need alot of help and support. You cannot do this alone. You will break I think. I do not know you so feel free to toss my opinion in the trash ok? Take good care of yourself.

 

[Deleted member 17457]

I disagree with the fundamental principle behind AA which is that the substance controls us and we have to hand over power to a 'Higher Being', as I am very much someone who is adamant that there is always a choice. I've just been making the wrong one recently.

I have a private psychotherapist whom I was seeing in hospital. I also have a mental health advisory attached to the uni who is v. v. good with the PTSD but he inadvertently triggered me BADLY on Monday and I've been a fair wreck since, although somewhat more together than I was. Coming from hospital after so long (I was 'very complex' because of my ED (which is complex in itself) and because I present a huge risk with self-harm, and then the PTSD stuff on top) I should be getting a lot of support from a Community Mental Health Team but because I moved from where I was before I was admitted my care hasn't yet been transferred so I'm not being well-contained.

I'm no longer fainting since I stopped the propranolol, which is something!

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it x

 

[AS1975]

I personally disliked and/or distrusted all forms of 12-step programs and the associated groups for many years. I'm back in one such group now, after a significant time clean & sober and I understand my problems with them previously.

It is only by approaching it from the other direction that I understand how few people have actually accepted that they are like everyone else in the group, one part of their life is dependence and in that respect at least they are equal to everyone else who feels the need to attend. Dependence is not their identity, nor is their drug of choice, it is merely part of their identity, but it is also part of the identity of everyone else who attends.

That gives me two messages, you share an illness with everyone else in the group and despite that, you are an entire, worthwhile human being capable of living a useful, happy life.

But I kicked a bucketload of habits before I could understand those points, and in the end I did it without any of the programs, I simply made the choice and kept my promise to myself. Probably the most important question I asked myself is why I was drinking and using and who I was hurting by doing so. Our subconscious is a childish, puerile beastie.

 

[Deleted member 17457]

That gives me two messages, you share an illness with everyone else in the group and despite that, you are an entire, worthwhile human being capable of living a useful, happy life.

Probably the most important question I asked myself is why I was drinking and using and who I was hurting by doing so. Our subconscious is a childish, puerile beastie.

That's a really helpful reply, but it sort-of touches on the main 'beast' of the matter - which is that I don't consider myself to be a human being and haven't for a good 7 years now. I feel like a 'thing' which thinks and operates like a human but isn't. I feel so utterly worthless - because of how I've been treated - that I see hurting myself as a good thing, and it makes me feel better (albeit short-term).

~~~

I am five days sober now :O_o::eek: and over the withdrawals.
At least if I am sober I can wake up and set my day up by taking time to practise Mindfulness/meditation, and get myself prepared with lecture notes.

I have done my best in contacting staff about how to catch up and that is all I can do for now.

I have done my best. That is good enough. *repeats to self*

 

[AS1975]

Ok Gindrop I suspect you need someone to talk to in order to distract yourself from withdrawals and I'm able to do that, at least.

This early in the process withdrawals suck, there is no other way to describe it, your body and mind are screaming for relief and that nasty addict/alcoholic center in your brain is coming up with all sorts of excuses and suggestions of ways to fix the issue, other than sobriety. My wife and I refer to that part of our brains as our respective "internal idiot", it is the same little prick who tells us that people are staring at us, that we aren't good enough, that we should have done something/not done something, and engages in the age old "what if?" game. By now you should be fairly well attuned not to trust anything that voice comes out with, you can choose to give in to it, or you can choose to ignore it (simplistic - yes it is, the fact it is simple doesn't make it wrong).

That will hurt, there is no escaping that, it will be one of the most boring and painful experiences of your life, you will hurt more than you expect and you will be bored absolutely shitless, you will have time on your hands constantly and it will drag out endlessly. Hydration is important, as you will be sweating, going to the toilet an awful lot and may be vomiting, so dehydration is a major factor, as are electrolytes (most electrolyte mixes contain nothing more than K.citrates and KCl plus water, if you are doing pharmacy mixing up a cheaper version shouldn't be too taxing). Watch movies, play cards (I find freecell is more involving than patience, it is free for a start and you can get every game out if you concentrate, which is good but kind of sucks as well), exercise (endorphins are about the only pleasant chemical your body is allowed at present) and amuse yourself. Don't swap habits to kill time, or to amuse yourself, you'll just extend the process.

Admit you have a problem with the drug, not a problem controlling your use thereof, you cannot handle the drug, period. You've got 5 days done, do you really want to do them all over again?

Chin up, I'm thinking of you

AS

 

[DharmaGirl]

Hi Gindrop. You sound like you have a lot on your plate. Congrats on the 5 days sober! That is so hard to do. I went to nursing school with out of control PTSD, my brother dying, then my father, and divorcing. Lol, I'm surprised I made it. I made my world so small that I only focused on whatever I was doing at the time. I still don't know how I got through. I dissociate a lot, that's how I got through the smaller classes. Good luck to you, keep posting!

 

[Deleted member 17457]

AS1975 - thank you SO much. Yep - I've been keeping myself hydrated, I mass-stocked up on the sport lucozade ages ago - I have a severe eating disorder too so I know the importance of electrolytes. I've only thrown up a couple of times and I'm through the worst now; in some ways I'm lucky I never really drank that often during the day so my worst withdrawals were at night-time when I was on my own. Horrible sweats too! Urgh.

Freaking a bit about today - I have a 2hr lecture, an hour's break, an hour's workshop, half an hour break, and then am in class solidly 'til 6 doing practicals. Because of the practicals being Pharmacy Practice we have to be in formal wear as well which makes me feel very self-concious.

Monster 1977 - gosh, that sounds incredibly difficult. It's amazing how strong one can be when they have to be. Xx

 

[DharmaGirl]

Sounds like a hectic day. Hope you get through.:hug:

 

[AS1975]

How'd you go mate? One thing I always had to remember and repeat to myself when in pressure situations was that I was the one benefiting, that regardless of what other thought, they weren't in my shoes. Withdrawals are ephemeral and transient, they suck at the time, but they aren't really as bad as you can let yourself imagine them to be (you aren't on fire, you aren't waiting for hours beside a track in the desert with a broken down car, you aren't actually going to die), although I don't seek to devalue what you are experiencing, I've been there often enough after all, just don't let yourself make a mountain out of a series of molehills. The other thing is, that they will pass whereas cirrhosis is for ever.

Good luck, stay strong and congratulations on your decision

AS