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Setting Boundries When It Comes To Hurtful Words

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Fadeaway

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Everything that comes out of my husbands mouth lately has been cruel. He twists my words.

Example: Me~Hey I need you to get eggs from the...
Him~I know, all you do is nag.
<3 days later and 3 store runs later he sill hasn't gotten the eggs>

<This morning he was going to get the eggs before work>
Me~Can you please hurry, if you don't go now you are going to be late for work
Him~That's right I am not allowed to look at the computer. I am I allowed to put on my socks since you tell me what I am allowed to do around here.
Me~How did you get that, from me asking you to hurry? I need those eggs and I don't want you to be late for work.
Him~Do you do anything else but yell? (note: I was far from yelling.100% Normal tone) I go to work all day and you just sit around thinking up new ways to make my life miserable. You woke up yelling at me about the eggs before we were even out of bed. (not true, I never fell asleep and didn't mention the eggs until we were both in the living room) I work 2 stressful jobs but the real stress is having to come home to you.

<he then proceeds to kick HIS deodorant which had fallen to the floor>
Him~Don't you know how to use a trash can, I have to kick your trash out of the way.

<When he starts looking for his deodorant>
Him~ where the hell is my deodorant, it was on my desk
Me~ You kicked it!
Him~That's right, don't do anything useful around here like help me find my deodorant. You just want me to be late.
Me~ I asked you to hurry
Him~That's just because you want money. That's all I am good for, bringing you home money. Yes mam, I'll jump and run, what else do you want because I'll do it right way mam. <mock salute>
Me~ Please don't do this right now, I had something upsetting happen and I don't need this too. <e-mail from my abusers family>
Him~Something happened in the living room? You were in the living room all night. What came in the living room.
Me~I need you to be kind if I am going to tell you
Him~So are you saying you don't care that my back hurts? <statements like this throw me way off>

So I don't have a car no I.D., I am totally dependent on him to get things from the store, Dr.s appointments and other errand type stuff.
I can't leave when he treats my like this, but I need some kind of action I can take when he is doing this. I just can't stand by and let him keep talking this way to me.

He went to work without getting me the eggs (I haven't eaten in 3 days because there IS nothing to eat that doesn't require eggs (i.e. cornbread mix)

The other day when I had a severe headache when he went to go get me pain pills and told me he was bringing them right back, he went to the DMV and the car inspection place first.

I have to find a way where I stop allowing him to treat me this way. What action are available for me to take when he treats me this way. If I go outside, since I have no where to go, he thinks it is funny. so that is completely out.
 
The f*cking bastard took my phone. I used googles find my phone service and it didn't ring.
 
My heart hurts for you knowing you have to deal with that hateful and controlling attitude and such a restrictive state of being. Hugs to you, if you accept.

In my lifestyle change to vegan eating, I learned how to use things like flax meal and water as an egg replacement in recipes like cornbread and such. Applesauce or pumpkin puree have also worked in different things. Not sure if you have any of those on hand.

Wishing I could send a care package of kitchen goodies through this screen to you.
 
All I have is cornbread mix ketchup and various herbs and spices.

No matter what I say, he always insists I said something different.

I am really upset because I wasted my only Tylenol 3 from months ago, that I was saving for desperate sleep situation. I took it and he made sure I couldn't sleep because he blamed me for keeping him awake because I asked last night if he was going to pay the rent today. It was a quick question as he was headed to bed. He went off on me telling me he was doing all these things to juggle the bills that weren't feasible so I had to say something... and told him we will pay the rent on Monday. By saying that I kept him from sleeping so knowing that I haven't slept in nearly 7 days now h did all the things he knows keeps me from sleeping on purpose.

If only I could find a way to get a copy of my birth certificate. :arghh;
 
Walking th 2 miles to his job. funny thing is the store is on the way. He leaves me with no money and no phone.
 
Your husband treats you the way my grandparents treated me which gave me PTSD. I'm deeply sorry and afraid for you and wonder why you put up with complete horrible trash. Leave him, even just 24hrs of no contact and see how he feels about you 'nagging', even though you are NOT.
 
You need to find a way to get in touch with a DV advocacy service so that you can regain your independence and go your own way. It sounds like he relishes your dependence on him, and he abuses that dependence flagrantly. What steps do you need to take to become independent? Think about it, and try to get in touch with an organization that will help you achieve those steps.
 
You aren't going to be able to set any boundaries that will change all that. This isn't really about 'boundaries', I don't think. It's about him being angry(?) and passive-aggressive. For a boundary to work, you'd have to be able to say something like "I can't handle it when you do X. If you do X I'm going to do Y." And not a threat, a promise. So it has to be something that you'd actually do and something that would mean something to him. By 'mean something', I don't mean 'punishment', I mean when it's all said and done things can be processed differently. I don't see that as an option, beyond "I can't live like this, either we get professional help with our communication problems or I'm out of here." And you'd have to be willing to do it.

Is he ALWAYS like that, or is this some transient phase he's going through? If he's not always like this, he needs to figure out what's REALLY bothering him and do something about it. Because something's pretty obviously bothering him and it's not the eggs. But, you can't MAKE him deal with things any differently.

I know you've talked about the birth certificate before. I don't remember all the details. I remember it's complicated. I honestly think your best bet is to come up with a solution to that problem. If he wants to make the relationship work, I'd suggest couples therapy. Sometimes an outside third party can help sort out the communication problems. If he doesn't want to work on things, I'd seriously suggest talking to a lawyer and include the birth certificate problem in the discussion. I know money's going to be an issue. You might find a lawyer referral through a domestic abuse organization.
 
In NJ I know you can contact the county you were born in to get a copy of your birth certificate. In NY I had to contact the NY board of records for the state. It's not too hard. Maybe you have a friend who's house you could have it sent to?
 
Everything that comes out of my husbands mouth lately has been cruel. He twists my words.

Example: M...
@Fadeaway I left my SO 10 days ago because of the same kind of verbal abuse. Twisting words, saying outrageous lies which were so untrue they were verging on the bizarre. I can only assume it was unresolved anger that possibly was directed at someone else from the past? She was not committing to therapy and I was being blamed for everything. I was backed into a corner because it was getting worse. I'm still going through the what if's and 'did I do everything possible'. I miss her terribly, but I was also missing her before I left, as the person I fell in love with was making less and less of an appearance. I still feel terrible, hurt, lost, lonely but I had no choice.
I just want to let you know you are not on your own with the horrible words. My heart goes out to you.
 
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