Sufferer Severe Chronic Ptsd. Odd One Out.

[crazynotstupid]

Hi. I am hailing from Omaha Nebraska. I have had severe chronic ptsd since 2009. I suffer from the whole shebang of symptoms and have made over 100 suicide attempts since 2013. I have tried every class of anti depressants resulting in everything from TIA to seizures and more and turned away from the VA. I now only get my medication from the VA. all therapy is done at home and with a single therapist at a secluded office. I now use marijuana obtained through the black market for palliative relief. Because of this I have no support and since I did not condone marijuana beforehand I have immense guilt over my chosen course of treatment.

I am 29 years old and served 10 years in the United States Air Force. My PTSD however did not come from direct combat. This makes it difficult to maintain a peer relationship with those around me.

I come hoping to find a place where I belong.

 

[Eleanor]

Hi @crazynotstupid. Welcome to the forum! I am sorry you've travelled such a rocky and painful road. This is a good place.

 

[Nighthawk]

Welcome to the forum.:) Really glad you found us,

 

[whserenitynluv]

Welcome! Good to see you :)

 

[scout86]

Welcome!

 

[Seagreen]

Welcome :)

 

[Lost214]

Hi
Sorry to hear how badly you are struggling. Sounds like you are in basic survival mode and that's a frightening place to be. please make sure you are safe and that you stay that way. Thankfully you have not been successful with the attempts. Hard as those urges are you need to dig deep and know that urge will pass!! I don't believe there is a magic pill that can change this. I do take meds and it takes the edge off (on a good day.)
I believe with this we have to work hard constantly to manage the symptoms and all that is ptsd. I also believe we have to process the root cause of it to get a true sense of freedom from it. find a good therapist who specializes in trauma therapy and keep looking till you find one. I wonder if the dope smoking could be taking you to a darker place? I know you are desperate for relief and who can blame ya for trying! Let go of brow beating yourself over that. But give some thought to how it's ultimately making you feel. For me it is not a positive. Can't even have a couple drinks it makes me bat shit crazy. Wasn't like that before I met ptsd.
It's a long hard road but you can walk it and you are not alone.
Thank you for your years of service.
Please hang in there and keep posting on how you are

 

[Wounded Scribe]

Hello, and welcome to the community.

 

[intothelight]

@crazynotstupid Welcome to the forum!

Psychopharmaceuticals are not for everyone and that is what makes this site so beneficial as there is a sharing of a variety of treatment options. Marijuana does have an effect on dopamine and there is a lot of information about how this impacts depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, a lot of the information can be contradictory. Try not to beat yourself up as our opinions change as our own circumstances change and that is just part of the human experience.

 

[crazynotstupid]

Thanks for all the welcomes. I just feel lonely because I don't have any direction or guidance. I cope much better now than I used to due to the marital issues that were causing an immense amount of stress. I am pretty much on minimal operation right now as I am still going through a lot of grief. Coping skill are working okay and all I want are the disturbing thoughts to stop. I've had PTSD since 2009 but did not get diagnosed until 2013, retired this January.
been doing the pot thing for only a few months and it works great. I just kinda despised it for the last 10 years because I watched it destroy my dad's life.

 

[Lost214]

Life with PTSD has impacted my life in every way imaginable. And that feeling of no direction and loneliness sucks. I can be with people I've known all my life and feel like I can't comprehend anything they are saying and like I am in a room with total strangers. Identical feeling to if I am alone. Being alone sometimes is more comfortable now.
This site will hopefully help you in several ways. I'm New to it and feel it's giving me some hope

 

[Eleanor]

Down times are necessary to heal from anything. Particularly from trauma. So keep reminding yourself that this level of function is not forever. When you are done grieving (no one wants to do ANYTHING while grieving) things will seem different. And you may want to add a half hour walk every day, if you can, just to ward off physiological depression.