Severe Dissociation

[thedayofawakening]

Hi all. I was just recently diagnosed with dissociative disorder. I feel as though my whole life is not real. Im aware of my surroundings and more 'here' in this moment but still suffer. I stated that i feel my whole life isnt real, please tell me thats true. Even though i know its not, i feel as if it is. When i dissociate it gets really bad. I feel like i am teleporting everywhere. It even gets to the extent to where i ask if that is what is happening. I honestly dont know how but my primal instincts have kept me alive while my reality has drifted away. The only time i feel as if i can get out of a dissociative episode is when i am writing.. Even then i am still dissociating and just not as aware of it. I try not to focus on the thought that i am dissociating. It seems to make it worse. Well, it feels worse, i stil think id rather know im dissociating rather than to not know. Most the time i do know. I seek help before it gets too bad and out of control. I really hate not being able to explain dissociation to persons who have not experienced it. Even when a person has, i find that each persons dissociative state is different. I often feel: i am teleporting, im not real, i am 5 seconds behind knowing what i am saying, i am in a fog, i am dreaming, i dont recognize myself in the mirror, become detached and emotionless. I attend emdr therapy twuce a week. With the holidays coming up my dissociative episodes are becoming more frequent, severe and lasting up to weeks at a time. I lose those days, those weeks, those periods of time. I can vaguely recall them and what i did during an episode. Dissociation is scary. I do not want to live my whole life in and out of dissociative states. :/

 

[Stickler]

Dissociation is a coping mechanism, though. Not saying to STAY dissociated, no! But you need to be prepared for a bumpy touchdown into Reality, have coping skills, support.

 

[thedayofawakening]

I have few POSITIVE coping skills. Its a puny list: art, music, reading, writing. But its something. Im trying to focus more energy into practicing my positive coping skills. Its difficult though. Especially when i struggle to find motivation to do anything, including getting out of bed. I have many supportive friends, family, and a supportive church. I just find it difficult because they can say they understand but they are wrong. Maybe they can relate it to something. But not fully fathom my symptoms to the point of understanding. I know its rude to be mean and tell them no they dont understand but they dont. They relate. Not understand. Im not expecting to ever find someone who understands. Just someone who can relate in more aspects than most of my supports can. Sorry this turned into blabber.

 

[Stickler]

Uh, I ( we ) describe myself ( us ) as a structurally-mild version of DID? I'm a front personality and my people operate through me? Like I am a bag,a tube...a human windsock...

I didn't realize I was dissociated until it SHUT OFF in 2011. That's just how reality was, complete with walls to walk into?

OH MY GAWD! To say full reality has been a bit shocking is an understatement. Post 2011, life is REALLY REAL! :eek::nailbiting::bag:

So I...do kind of understand. Sort of. I didn't lose time, I just wasn't all there...literally.

 

[thedayofawakening]

I dont have DID, no other persons that im aware of. I do hallucinate on occasion but its rare for me to switch into that person. If thats what you call it. Sorry im not good with the proper terms. No offense meant. I hallucinate (audible command hallucinations) never visible always commanding it seems. I have had people tell me i have switched for periods of time but that was last year. Now i just dissociate to the point where i question what is real. Im suffering from insomnia now. Thats the only reason im up. I feel wide awake. Going in and out of the fog. I feel myself drifting away but have not been exposed to any triggers. I guess i am overwhelmed and trying to cope.

 

[Intrepid]

My dissociation is like watching myself on TV. I like your description of the 5 second delay:

i am 5 seconds behind knowing what i am saying

I also find it hard to describe dissociation. The words just aren't there. I understand it this way. They are hidden in the trauma that originally started me dissociating.

 

[Friday]

I have 2 kinds of disassociation, beyond the normal autopilot everyone has. 1 that's part of another disorder, that's functional & useful (allows for hyper focus, and gives a break from wicked acute senses... Without it I think I'd go nuts). 1 that's tied to trauma stuff. That one is not useful or functional, and it's a complete pain in the ass. Memory, motivation, situational awareness, amongst other things are completely jacked. Similar, I'll lose days, weeks, months. The worst bit is tied with depression. The most alarming bit, isn't.

It's an adventure. That's for sure.

 

[halflifeguy]

I'm reminded of the Paul Simon song line, "When your brain just takes a seat behind your face." I could relate, as a child without understanding why. That's my basic operating mode, unstressed, with no spontaneity, generally un-affected, seconds behind everyone else, and often not understanding their behavior.

You raise a hard question... Whether a life is a lie because of that persistent dissocation or identity disorders . I think we should decide our own answers, at our own discretion. It doesn't have to be a blanket decision, you can be selective... uninterested career - wasted path, no social life - unfortunate, kids from flawed marriage - still a joy!

Joining the real world, especially socially, I'm learning that is hard work starting as an adult. It's been a pretty cosy utopia inside. I kinda miss it, but still psyched about being released from that prison.

 

[Ronin]

I feel my life isn't real most of the time, to various reasons, when I feel.

Not the feeling bothering me; the depth of it in some times hurts; when I don't know if things are that way also for someone else, or it's just me. If it's just me, I have coping mechanisms for it. If things feel unreal because some bad shit is going down and I'm not ready? What the fresh hell.

You are real.
& You can make good decisions even when you don't feel real.
& There are times things are clearer. Find what makes yours come to you. And then cling to it.

 

[halflifeguy]

"don't know if things are that way also for someone else"

Thanks Cashew, that brings up a good point that I had forgotten... not just who truly we are, but who we are living for. I have been living for everyone else. A pattern of behavior from a walking-on-eggshells childhood. Relatively, I see other (healthy) people as self-absorbed aggressive... to be feared - more dissociation - more disenfranchising of me.