Sex Therapy

[Frogs88]

So, I'm having EMDR at the moment. I have a few weeks of the therapy left but I've been thinking that maybe afterwards I want to have sex therapy. I've been afraid of dating or even letting any man close to me, even as a friend for the last four years and I think it's because I have always had serious trouble in setting boundaries and in saying no. I always kind of blamed myself for getting raped, for picking that person as my boyfriend in the first place. I always thought that maybe I didn't set a strong enough boundary in our relationship, maybe I didn't say no firmly enough or often enough. I know that's not true, of course I do. But I think before I can start trusting another person in a relationship I need to start trusting myself. Trusting that I can keep a relationship progressing at the speed I want and not feel pressured or pushed by another person. So, sex therapy, does anybody have any experience of this?

 

[earlyrose]

No experience, but I thought it would be a good next step, if there is such a thing.

 

[Springer80]

I don't want to come across as obstructive but what you wrote struck something in me and I just wanted to chip in with it, as something to consider.
There is a difference between genuine intimacy with a person and sex. Physical intimacy comes from emotional trust, intellectual intimacy.
In the past I decided about myself that as there was something 'wrong' with me if I could set myself the goal of achieving a relationship, a date, some physical contact and keep it going then I would not be obviously damaged, Also, I thought that if I strove to do this that it would somehow fix the deeper issues over time, like a drip-drip affect.

I understand how comforting and distracting being physical with someone can be. I've been doing it for two years with someone, we don't love each other but I'm finding it difficult to move onto something were I actually, for real, risk my heart.

I'm not saying that doing 'sex' therapy is a bad idea. It's just something about the way you phrased it and the emphasis on achieving a sexual relationship made me think of some feelings/beliefs I've previously had to work through.

 

[Springer80]

oh and the thing about boundaries....When you set a boundary, you are by definition giving something away about yourself.

You have to state that you don't like or want something and by definition you expose the fact you have a problem with it.
By saying you have a problem with intimacy, you reveal that you have been hurt, even if it's in an abstracted way.

You effectively show a weakness and open up the possibility that the other person my ask you about it or want to talk about it. You would have to face the fact that you are extremely hurt and in pain about something. In itself that is very difficult for you but also there is the risk that the person won't respect it.

Only until you respect the fact that you are hurt and respect the needs that evolve from that will you not be scared of setting boundaries.

 

[Frogs88]

Its okay Springer80, I know. I do want the intimate relationship, and I do have intimate relationships, people that I tell things to and share things with, even at one point a very rewarding platonic partnership. But I'm so shy around men lately, I let the friendships grow slowly but if there was somebody I really liked and wanted to discuss having a romantic relationship with (and there has been) I don't feel able to. And I don't feel able to because I am so scared of sex that when i've tried dating the ability to build intimacy is kind of blocked because i'm freaking out because I just feel like theres this ticking time bomb where at some point he's going to want to kiss me or something, at some point it's going to come up. I'm in my late twenties and the idea of waiting months and months to kiss somebody sort of sends an 'I'm not interested message'.

I appreciate your advice, and i'll sleep on it and think about how much emphasis i'm putting on sex (probably from being scared of it).

I just want a family, and my time is running pretty short as the women in my family lose the ability to have children in their thirties. So I might be pushing myself a bit too fast thinking about that.

 

[Springer80]

emphasis i'm putting on sex (probably from being scared of it).

Exactly...forcing yourself to do something you afraid of, doesn't actually stop you being afraid. It's not like you see on TV when someone who is scared of spiders does exposure therapy. You've been raped and the idea that 'exposure' therapy in this context will prove you are better, is the very reason why a lot of women in our position career into reckless situation and end up being taken advantage of. I certainly did that for a long time.

I just want a family, and my time is running pretty short

Well I know how that feels. I'm 34, 35 this year. But personally the one thing I know for myself is that I don't want to have any family, with anyone. I want a proper one. And for me, if it takes me until I'm past the point of still being naturally fertile then that it will just have to be that way.

It's harsh, I have resented the fact that what my father did to me has taken this long to resolve and is still ongoing. But the integrity of myself simply is more strong than the desire to have children first.

 

[Frogs88]

I don't want exposure therapy, and It's not like I havn't had some exposure, I worked in a HIV clinic, I heard about sex and rape and all sorts everyday. I saw and handled the fallout everyday and for some reason it was the most confident and happy i've ever been in a job. Except that occasional little nagging voice saying 'you should just tell somebody' 'other people take for granted a form of intimacy and expression of love that you just can't have'. I only get nervous when it applies to myself. I want to talk to a sex therapist just about how to be more confident setting boundaries and saying no and what might be a good step forwards from where I am. I'm still in EMDR and have found that a lot of these 'fears' are weaker than they were before. I let people touch me now, I actually get attracted to people, I actually have some kind of a libido, and I see this as all positive things, I just don't know how to keep that ball rolling. It's like It's starting to get better so how do I keep getting better. If the main goal is to be a healthier whole person who knows how to look after them self emotionally and can look after them self emotionally when in a relationship what steps can I take to reach that.

 

[Frogs88]

I;m impressed by the amount of respect you have for yourself and your determination to wait for what's right for you even if it means you don't get everything you want.

 

[ghotiff]

I think the idea of a sex therapist is a great one. The trick would be in finding the right one to help with your issues as I'm sure a lot of them would be for different problems.

I would love to hear more as you explore this option.

 

[anthony]

But I think before I can start trusting another person in a relationship I need to start trusting myself.

Sound judgement right there.

 

[Chosen]

@Frogs88 , I just have to say: I'm 26, and I've never been kissed, and I'm saving my first kiss for engagement or my wedding day. It hasn't stopped me from having relationships with men who are respectful (granted, not many, but that's more so because the population of devoted Christian egalitarian men is small, haha). So there are men who will respect your boundaries about what kind of touch is possible.

I also have a dear friend who was assaulted many years ago. She got married, and as far as I know, she and her husband are still working towards physical intimacy (after 6 months of marriage--as of 3 months ago, they still had not gone that far).

And there's always adoption! So many children already alive who need people to want them.

 

[Frogs88]

@Noah, It's that I am not good at putting up or keeping boundaries in the first place.

I have thought about adoption many times but obviously it's not easy and it is different here in the U.K. but I know that is always an option. I've actually looked into co-parenting, their are so many gay men out there who would love the chance to become a father.

I used to enjoy sex, I used to be very confident around men. It has caused a severe change within me and I miss that confidence and openness, there's a inability to relax when men are close by that as you can imagine is a lot of the time. It's starting to get better. but not by much.