Hi All,
I am hoping to get feedback from you about sex with my therapist. He is 68 and I am 35. I have seen him weekly for a year and a half in order to help me with my abusive husband. We have done amazing work together and he has helped me greatly. I am not in the process of separating from husband (we have a 5 year old and 3 year old), and I am also in the process of getting a masters in counseling psychology as it's been a lifelong dream. I have also learned a lot about my unhealthy pursuit of relationships with me who treat me poorly (lack of self-esteem, wanting a project whom I can make happy, someone who isn't emotionally stable or very nice to me, because my father was cold and unloving and I couldn't make him happy).
Anyway, my T and I connected quite a bit on many things, we have genuine common interests, we have a similar outlook on life, we both studied religion and concentrated on Hinduism (we are both Caucasian Americans). We are also both from the same small rural part of Pennsylvania. We had a connection from the very beginning. There was always transference but since I knew all about it and what it was I put my feelings aside in order to have a positive therapeutic experience. But in March it became too strong and I decided to tell him about it. We worked for a few sessions with it, but then he gave in, told me he'd always had a crush on me, and that he'd love to be with me. We acted on it and had sex. It was incredible. Then we ended therapy and started a real relationship. We'd meet for tea or meet at his house, we'd talk, enjoy each other's company, have sex. The sex we had was the best I'd ever have because it was so emotionally deep and fulfilling. I felt truly connected to him, like we had been together for many years. And he said the same was true for him. But what was best was just being in his presence, talking about things we both liked, talking about our children, starting st each other, just being together. In therapy he always validated me and made me feel understood, an in our love relationship he was exactly the same: kind, patient, caring, everything I had always wanted in a partner. He told me was falling in love with me. We planned for the future, he told me I was the most wonderful woman he had ever met, because I am so kind to people and also so accepting of him. We made each other really happy. I learned about his problems and we had an equal, reciprocal relationship, we supported each other. I never felt like a child with him or submissive to him in any way. Then his business partner found out, and she demanded that he buy her out of the business because she can't be associated with what has happened. That if my husband found out he could sue them for malpractice. She also told him that even though it doesn't seem like he's hurting me he is. Even though I say he's not I am not capable of knowing that he is hurting me, subconsciously. Sunday comes and hes supposed to meet her to give her the check and go their separate ways. Around 1pm we spoke and made plans for me to come over Monday morning. He said "I love you, and I can't wait until this is all over with my business partner so we can be together and be who we are. You make me so happy. Through all of this, you can trust me, I won't be yet another man who lets you down, I love you." At 7pm he texted me saying he couldn't meet. It was out of character. I texted and called him but the call wasn't going through. I was worried he'd gotten into a car accident and also worried he had blocked my number. I was VERY confused. I drove to his house and confronted him. He said "I'm so sorry, we can't do this, I've hurt you, I've done something illegal, we aren't allowed to have contact for 5 years, hurting you is the worst thing I've ever done in my life." I was shaking and crying and he wouldn't even hug me. I asked is he loved me and meant all those things he had said or if he was using me and he started crying and said "I mean it all, I meant everything I said". I said please just tell me what I did wrong and he said "it's nothing you did, it's what I did". And he walked away. I am devastated.
He and I often talked about transference and countertransference during our love relationship, but we agreed that it's not always black and white, and that what we have is true love, not me trying recreate my unfulfilling relationship with my dad or husband. I have always been attracted to older men, I'm hard-wired to fall in love with them. At first I wanted my T to take care of me (in therapy), but then as we began or relationship it switched and I wanted to take care of him. I wanted a reciprocal, even relationship. And that's what we had for 6 wonderful weeks.
I would love your opinion on what happened, on what's wrong with me, and on why he did what he inevitably had to do. At first I felt abandoned and used by my therapist/lover/the one man I trusted, but I am hugging the little girl who was never loved by her dad and comforting the teenager who was raped by her best friend's dad, and I am learning that he didn't abandon me. He had to release me, perhaps for legal reasons. So I am simply mourning the end of a beautiful relationship, as an adult who isn't overcome by her past issues. Thanks for taking the time to help me.
*I am NOW in the process of separating from my husband. Not "not in the process...". (We have been in the process since January).
I am hoping to get feedback from you about sex with my therapist. He is 68 and I am 35. I have seen him weekly for a year and a half in order to help me with my abusive husband. We have done amazing work together and he has helped me greatly. I am not in the process of separating from husband (we have a 5 year old and 3 year old), and I am also in the process of getting a masters in counseling psychology as it's been a lifelong dream. I have also learned a lot about my unhealthy pursuit of relationships with me who treat me poorly (lack of self-esteem, wanting a project whom I can make happy, someone who isn't emotionally stable or very nice to me, because my father was cold and unloving and I couldn't make him happy).
Anyway, my T and I connected quite a bit on many things, we have genuine common interests, we have a similar outlook on life, we both studied religion and concentrated on Hinduism (we are both Caucasian Americans). We are also both from the same small rural part of Pennsylvania. We had a connection from the very beginning. There was always transference but since I knew all about it and what it was I put my feelings aside in order to have a positive therapeutic experience. But in March it became too strong and I decided to tell him about it. We worked for a few sessions with it, but then he gave in, told me he'd always had a crush on me, and that he'd love to be with me. We acted on it and had sex. It was incredible. Then we ended therapy and started a real relationship. We'd meet for tea or meet at his house, we'd talk, enjoy each other's company, have sex. The sex we had was the best I'd ever have because it was so emotionally deep and fulfilling. I felt truly connected to him, like we had been together for many years. And he said the same was true for him. But what was best was just being in his presence, talking about things we both liked, talking about our children, starting st each other, just being together. In therapy he always validated me and made me feel understood, an in our love relationship he was exactly the same: kind, patient, caring, everything I had always wanted in a partner. He told me was falling in love with me. We planned for the future, he told me I was the most wonderful woman he had ever met, because I am so kind to people and also so accepting of him. We made each other really happy. I learned about his problems and we had an equal, reciprocal relationship, we supported each other. I never felt like a child with him or submissive to him in any way. Then his business partner found out, and she demanded that he buy her out of the business because she can't be associated with what has happened. That if my husband found out he could sue them for malpractice. She also told him that even though it doesn't seem like he's hurting me he is. Even though I say he's not I am not capable of knowing that he is hurting me, subconsciously. Sunday comes and hes supposed to meet her to give her the check and go their separate ways. Around 1pm we spoke and made plans for me to come over Monday morning. He said "I love you, and I can't wait until this is all over with my business partner so we can be together and be who we are. You make me so happy. Through all of this, you can trust me, I won't be yet another man who lets you down, I love you." At 7pm he texted me saying he couldn't meet. It was out of character. I texted and called him but the call wasn't going through. I was worried he'd gotten into a car accident and also worried he had blocked my number. I was VERY confused. I drove to his house and confronted him. He said "I'm so sorry, we can't do this, I've hurt you, I've done something illegal, we aren't allowed to have contact for 5 years, hurting you is the worst thing I've ever done in my life." I was shaking and crying and he wouldn't even hug me. I asked is he loved me and meant all those things he had said or if he was using me and he started crying and said "I mean it all, I meant everything I said". I said please just tell me what I did wrong and he said "it's nothing you did, it's what I did". And he walked away. I am devastated.
He and I often talked about transference and countertransference during our love relationship, but we agreed that it's not always black and white, and that what we have is true love, not me trying recreate my unfulfilling relationship with my dad or husband. I have always been attracted to older men, I'm hard-wired to fall in love with them. At first I wanted my T to take care of me (in therapy), but then as we began or relationship it switched and I wanted to take care of him. I wanted a reciprocal, even relationship. And that's what we had for 6 wonderful weeks.
I would love your opinion on what happened, on what's wrong with me, and on why he did what he inevitably had to do. At first I felt abandoned and used by my therapist/lover/the one man I trusted, but I am hugging the little girl who was never loved by her dad and comforting the teenager who was raped by her best friend's dad, and I am learning that he didn't abandon me. He had to release me, perhaps for legal reasons. So I am simply mourning the end of a beautiful relationship, as an adult who isn't overcome by her past issues. Thanks for taking the time to help me.
*I am NOW in the process of separating from my husband. Not "not in the process...". (We have been in the process since January).
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