Sex with therapist

[hithere]

I'm amazed by your ability to handle this. I would be suicidal. I have serious love sickness. Sex makes it so much stronger, and there's scientific proof that it makes the feelings stronger. So I admire your strength and your courage and how much you do take care of yourself. Thank you for posting because it's helped me to see some things in myself.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

From what I know though...both parties were adults.
He had a responsibility because of the imbalance of power (hence losing his license) but she was also a consenting adult.

See, here is a misconception here.

I don't want to hijack the thread but I want to reply to this. She was victimized. There are laws here for a good reason. Due to the imbalance of power and the dynamics of therapy and the content in therapy, he took advatange of that. Of her past, of the power, of the dynamic, of transference.

There is a reason that what he did is illegal but what she did isn't. There are no buts here. He was at fault, period.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think I hear this also, I would have done/ did the same:

Can you see here that you defending his actions that is much like abused/abuser dynamic?

,

and I think others might have meant something along the lines of, if it's difficult to recognize what may be wrong with this picture, then it will be dificult to recognize it in the future helping others in similar situations. Not that that infers you would be abusive or start something up with your client.. which you responded to strongly that you would not (rightfully so), but perhaps that's how people here are feeling for you? How you feel at the thought of yourself instigating that with your own future client, do you see what his responsibilities were/are?

I wish someone had told me these things 'back when', but not sure if I would have seen it that way. For one thing, I was in immense grief and uncertainty.

Now though, in immense grief and uncertainty, I cling to believing in actions. Time. Protection. Especially trust. Trust I can be protected, from myself if need be, too. Shown the way, without using me or hurting me.

 

[Toralu312]

I'm amazed by your ability to handle this. I would be suicidal. I have serious love sickness. Sex makes...

Ohh thank you and I'm so glad this is helping someone! I thought that even if I get nothing out of it (I a gettting a lot out of it!) it would be good to have it up so that others in my situation can know they aren't alone.

See, here is a misconception here.

I don't want to hijack the thread but I want to reply to...

Thank you

I think I hear this also, I would have done/ did the same:

,

and I think others might have meant some...

It is now worth it to mention that my new brilliant fremale psychologist has identified two types of therapists who cross these boundaries: the shark and the love sick therapist. After hearing my story and talking through it with me at length in three sessions so far, she maintains that he is the love sick therapist. I googled it. Very interesting and more food for thought! Please research it if anyone likes!

 

[Tinyflame]

Good for you @Toralu312 . :hug:

Tbh, I'll just stick with brutal self-honesty for myself. No one knows what's in the mind of another, and even trusting other's words it is difficult to know if they're true.

I've been told go by my heart of hearts. That's all I know. (With the caveat it's important to me to not hurt others, and maybe one day I'll even see myself with the value I ascribe to others, who knows. But that is 'me', and part of my heart-of-hearts.)

Whatever happens, I wish you health, happiness, success in the future, and speedy healing. :hug: And welcome to you! :) (I presume you're the one with ptsd? :confused: )

Ps, if the common eastern (?) discussions were over Rumi or Hafiz, he's a shark, lol. :roflmao: Beautiful, beautiful poetry. :notworthy:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

love sick therapist.

29gabbard

ETA: Thats a link to an article in the New Therpaist Magazine: But Is It Love. Sorry for the weird looking link! ~

Sounds about right but wrong nontheless. Not saying he is a monster. But you are the victim and he is the abuser whether it was on purpose or not. Its severly damaging. In my experience anyway. So something that damaging really has no buts in my opinion.

ETA: I am very glad you are working this out with your current therapist! Its the right road to go down! :hug:

 

[joeylittle]

I can understand the love-sick therapist thing. It just doesn't change the fact that he let his needs come before yours, and was in a position to take what he needed from you, precisely because of the trust you had put in him as your therapist.

You'll never truly know whether this would have evolved naturally, had you just met him at a coffee shop. It might have, though a big reason why could be because of his own instinctual helping responses, and his own dysfunctions.

Maybe I'm saying, just because it's deeply felt, doesn't make it healthy.

There is a reason that what he did is illegal but what she did isn't. There are no buts here. He was at fault, period.

In about half the US states, therapist/client sex can be prosecuted as sexual exploitation. But it is not objectively illegal. In other words, exploitation/manipulation has to be proved. A therapist can't just automatically be arrested for having sex with a client regardless of context.

But, in all states (I believe) it is considered a severe breach of ethics and can result in the license to practice being taken away by the state licensing authority. They can also block reinstatement.

 

[Toralu312]

I can understand the love-sick therapist thing. It just doesn't change the fact that he let his nee...

Thank you very much for your insight.

 

[Toralu312]

Good for you @Toralu312 . :hug:

Tbh, I'll just stick with brutal self-honesty for my...

Thank you so much, Junebug. Xx

 

[JJI]

What happened is illegal and a violation of patient client contract. Very unprofessional also he was in a position of power he should've stopped it right away. I'm sorory that this happened to you.

 

[Justmehere]

One thing that you mention a few times is how he was willing to give up his practice to be with you, as if it's a sign of his love.

What strikes me is that he was close to retirement anyhow at 68 years old, and this may not have been much of a loss to be willing to give up his license. He may have been looking for a way out, and his subconscious picked the route of sabotaging his career instead of doing the healthy work of beginning to take space from his job. It can be super hard for some people to let go of their jobs.

Most of the things that he did that you take as signs of love or love-sickness have other possible motivations other than healthy love, and yet you hold on deeply to trying to believe he loved you.

It makes me wonder if you felt really unloved in your marriage?

Do I understand correctly that this sexual relationship with this former therapist happened while you were divorcing your husband?

We can't really fully know this former therapist's motivations, but you can known your own. It's interesting you mention that he may have been "love sick" - when I think you may have been starving for love yourself.

And that's where the real work may lie. Not in figuring him out, but in figuring out why this is the one you tried to be with, right after ending your marriage. It's my guess that there's a lot of unmet needs for being known and loved that you are grappling with right now. I hope you don't lose sight of addressing that.

 

[Toralu312]

One thing that you mention a few times is how he was willing to give up his practice to be with you,...

Thank you very much for this insight. I am very aware that that is what's happening, that I am love sick. Yes, this is happening while I am divorcing my husband. A little more about me: I've lived in the cycle of abuse for 9 years, he is not only verbally abusive but also physically abusive (in front of the kids). Since he refuses to get treatment for this or for anger issues or alcohol dependency, it's time I end it in order to protect the kids (and myself). He had multiple affairs while married to me, and this is the first I had. I married him knowing he was abusive but I always thought I could change him and make him happy. Now, after a year and a half of therapy and also many alanon meetings, I know that I can't change him, that I can only change my reaction to him. I also know why I entered into a relationship with him. Anyway, yes, I've always wanted a love where I could be myself. My husband is very critical, doesn't appreciate me or anything about me. Never had. My T loved everything about me, let me be myself, thought my cooking was the best food he'd ever eaten, thought my paintings were beautiful, loved that I do yoga and coach my daughter's soccer team, loves that I'm sensitive and emotional. He accepted me in therapy of course, and then accepted me once we had become lovers. I always thought of the Frida Khalo quote when I was with him, "take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic." He made me feel that way. In all of my relationships with men, I've changed myself in order to please the person I was dating: i pretended i loved to ski, pretended I liked sushi, I wore things I thought he'd like (that I didn't like), pretended to be less emotional, etc. But with my T, I was able to be myself. My true self. I am realizing now that I am not supposed to find love within the safe haven of therapy bc 1. There's a power imbalance and 2. I should find it in the real world. I will say that I am extremely lucky and live a wonderful life. I have tremendous, supportive girlfriends, I have my amazing mom and sister, i have my kids who are happy, healthy, and well-adjusted. I shouldn't complain. Also, my father and I have been repairing our relationship: since i told him about my husband and the looming divorce a few months ago, he's called me just to check in every week. He has been supportive and validating, what I had always wanted from him. But, yes, I want a deep emotional love with a man who looks at me like maybe I'm magic, who appreciates me the way I am, and whom I can dote on and adore (I am a caretaker by nature and show my love that way).