Sex with therapist

[highwaybeauty]

Hi All,
I am hoping to get feedback from you about sex with my therapist. He is 68 and I am 35. I hav...

It is different here is Australia, but the guidelines for psychologists suggest that one has to wait 2 years from finishing therapy if they want to engage in a relationship with a client. He is right in what he has said that he has done wrong here and you trusted him and he was in a position of power and should have managed his own emotions towards you better. Unfortunately it has put him at risk of losing his registration as according to the guidelines of psychology, he has violated you as a client and abused his power. It may not seem that way to you but from a professional practice perspective he has. It is a terrible situation that you find yourself in and I am sorry that he did not put a stop to this sooner.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So we walked out of the building together and he said to me you know what she's going to do now right? And I said no. And he said she's going to report me now. Then he said but if she does then that means I can start seeing you again.

This bolded underlined statement here. Please note that this man knows he damaged you (whether you feel damaged by him or not) and admitted to that, admitted he was hurting you, KNOWS that he can have his licences revoked (and likely will, as he should) and have possible legal issues and still he is trying to "be with you".

This, this is being VERY manipulative! He does not care what happens to you as long as he gets his rocks off. And seeing this makes me so sick!!

I'm sorry. I am so passionate about this because it happened to me...twice. Twice I thought I was in love. Thought he was "the one". I was so damn craved for love. Still am but I was so craved back then that I fell for that shit twice!

Please hear me, NO therapist on this planet should EVER cross this boundry with you. Every single one of your therapists for the remainder of your life should have a SUPER STRICT boundry with you in this area. Erotic transference should ALWAYS be out in the open, openly discussed, and handled PROFESSIONALLY! NEVER ACTED ON, EVER!

I am so very sorry this happened! I was worried that if you went back for "closure", that he would somehow manipulate you. Please continue to be open with your new therapist about this and work through this. Again, I know you don't feel damaged and you may not be but I know all of the hell I had to go through for years over this. I didn't feel damaged then. It hurt but just felt like a break up of a normal relationship. I learned years later it was much, MUCH, more then that. Thankfully I happened upon an amazing therapist and one at which I feel is perfect for me and thankfully today, I can tell him what I am feeling and we can safetly drill down and work on it. But man, what I had to go through to get there.

Please tell me that this is it. You won't be going back?

 

[Toralu312]

This bolded underlined statement here. Please note that this man knows he damaged you (wheth...

You are very sweet to check in and I really appreciate your point of view. I'm also so sorry you also had to deal with crappy men. So, you will be happy to know that I am seeing a fabulous woman psychologist weekly who specializes in this (erotic transference/counter transference boundary crossing), and she has already helped me so much. I understand it all now, the power he had, how he capitalized on it, etc. It was damaging, I am damaged. But I'll rise above it just like I'm doing with my soon to be ex. I just hope I'll meet a nice normal guy someday. That's all I've ever wanted. To love and be loved. I'm doing the work so that I choose wisely. Yes, good riddance to this sorry excuse for a therapist/lover! Boom.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Toralu312, that makes me so very happy! I knew you had gotten a female therapiat and I am so glad it is all working out! It sounds like you have come a long way in such a sort period time! You go girl! :)

 

[Toralu312]

@Toralu312, that makes me so very happy! I knew you had gotten a female t...

I am nowhere near over him. I miss my therapist and miss the love relationship we had, and I think about him everyday. But I have learned so much from my new therapist and so there's a part of me that is angry at him for failing me and for getting his needs met through an improper source. Sometimes I cry because I miss him, but most of the time I think about how it was also major for him, and losing me has undoubtedly been very hard on him. And I think about the age difference: had we stayed together I'd be caring for an elderly man in a few years. Which is not in my best interest or the best interest of my young children. So you see I'm doing my best to move on and let go as hard as it is. Thanks for your support!

 

[Rumors]

I wonder if you miss "him" or you miss the connection you had with him? I think we are all looking for someone who gets us. I think most affairs start when one person feels seen and heard in a time where they feel invisible. I would look at what it is you miss about him and figure out if it is actually the man himself you miss or the connection you felt with him. His connection with you is based on lies and manipulation and when you see it that way it may perhaps help you get over him. You, however, were coming from a more genuine place of connection, love, respect. That is what makes it so hard. Just remember that wasn't a reciprocated feeling.
I am sorry you are struggling. It is easy for me to tell you he isn't worth it but you need to get there on your own. Hang in there!

 

[Toralu312]

I wonder if you miss "him" or you miss the connection you had with him? I think we are all looking for s...

Thank you. Yes, it was both. We had so much in common. I know you'll all downplay this or say I'm making it up or putting too much on it, but we did enjoy each other's company even before The transference happened. But, yes, i do indeed miss that father figure who was kind and accepting and comforting and protecting. I ran to him when my husband would abuse me. I was overly dependent upon him and I'm seeing that now. Once the relationship turned from therapy to love it was different. I miss his beautiful blue eyes, and his hands, and being able to make him happy, and the comfort of knowing we are from the same place in Pennsylvania, I miss how he was sort of pedantic, organized, and a true Virgo, of course I miss that connection we had, it was intense and we enjoyed just being in each others' presence.
You make a very good point. I have already explored that question, and my answer is: I miss it all.
He was coming from a place of genuine love. He was indeed in love with me. Again, you'll all say no he didn't love you or he wouldn't have done that to you. I believe my psychologist and what she has told me, so if you're going to write that he preyed upon me and didn't love me then save it because I won't read it. Google love sick therapist (read anything by Gabbard or Celenza). That's a form of transgression without preying on clients. That's what he was. My question isn't did he love me, it's: how could he hurt me the way he did and so coldly and cruelly break things off with me. My therapist has answered this question and I am trying to move on. Also, he once told me that he always sought his business partner's approval. And that he was able to break up with her for good when he realized she wasnt his mother. So I believe what happened what that she didn't approve of me (for
Obvious reasons), and he couldn't deal with that. He told her I was the best, kindest, most beautiful woman he had ever met, That we are going to live together and get married and she did not react well. (She had always wanted to live with him and get married, but she herself was married!) She apparently guessed who he was seeing, he told me she rattled off all his clients he ever talked about. That's how controlling she is. She's 100% jealous and that drama in his office two weeks ago supports that. I saw the dynamic of their professional and personal relationship and it was scary. She's mean and controlling and he's meek and easily persuaded. Have lost a lot of respect for him, he's still seeking her approval for everything he does and that is SAD. I hope he moves on from her someday and learns to free himself of her. But what I want more is for ME to move on from him. I'm ready. I'm ready to heal and I'm ready to face all of my issues head on with my new wonderful female therapist!

 

[Toralu312]

Thank you. Yes, it was both. We had so much in common. I know you'll all downplay this or say I'm mak...

And, yes, our relationship wasn't healthy because it was based on a broken promise. As a therapist, he promised to do no harm, he promised to not have his needs met via me, he promised to uphold the ethical and legal boundaries, and he promised to make it only about me, to help me. And he broke that promise. Because he was in love and essentially ignored his professional self. He should have turned the transference around on me and explored why I was finding him attractive. We worked on it for 4 sessions before we decided to meet outside of therapy and we got nowhere. The attraction was too great. Therapy and all contact should have ended then. For 5 years. But he transgressed. Because he's a type of older male therapist who fell for a client who made him feel happy and wonderful and alive and young. He should have known better, but he didn't. He is now in major peer counseling and supervision for this. And I trying to MOVE ON and LET GO.