Sexual Abuse Or Fear?

[carebear98]

It's taken me 16 years (my age now) to realize that I am an abuse victim. My father is a deeply damaged gambling addict with anger issues who has always verbally berated and threatened my mother, brother, and me. My earliest memory is one in which he picked me up when I didn't want to be picked up, so I flailed around, knocking his glasses off. He exploded in anger and yelled at me until I sobbed and was too scared to come out of the corner of the room. The few other memories I have are similar, and so I know deep in my heart that my fear of my father is legitimate. But something happened a year ago when my PTSD symptoms really started showing. Every time he would come near me, I'd stiffen or jump or get irritable. I'd immediately feel terribly sick and dreadful. The thing is, this happened right after I read Dylan Farrow's heartbreaking account of the sexual abuse she endured from her father, Woody Allen. Suddenly, I became very conscious of any mention of SA in media or otherwise. I'd think, "this is me!" even though I don't have any really solid memories of SA. I started reading incest erotica because I was drawn to it for some reason. It sickens me and I'm so ashamed, but it's the truth. I'm constantly telling myself that I'm making this up, that I'm just trying to justify how terrible I feel by making my life story darker. Sometimes I feel like I have no right to call myself an abide victim because I was "only" yelled at. But there's still a small, strong voice in me that says, "you were SA". I just have no memory and I feel like a fraud. I'm too scared to talk to my therapist about this because I'd feel like a liar. Please help.

 

[mrsps]

I know you say you are too scared to talk to your therapist ...... but I think this is what you need to do. They wont think you are a liar, they will listen to what you have to say and they can help you work through it all. It is quite common for us to not have a memory of what happened ..... it doesn't mean it didn't.
I really hope you are able to talk to your therapist about this so they can help you

 

[Vivific478]

Hi I am 26 and I had a similar situation come up. As soon as I moved to a safe place in August of last year I started having body memories and increased psoas muscle spasms. It gets better the more you read and track of it. Its scary and the work maxes you walk straight in to hell to face yourself. I still deal with suicide emotions on a weekly basis. However what I have found is that learning heals kick its ass.

 

[Chava]

Talk to your therapist. I have many markers for CSA but no clear picture, so we are focused on the basics of regulation, feeling okay in my body now, responding to pain in better ways, etc. We never dig for memories. Here's how my stuff has gone: sexual assault in my teens....I tried to kill myself afterward because what he did to me triggered something from a long time ago (but I don't know when or by who...just the dread and shame of a very old memory). Also, I've had dreams of my mom molesting me. Does it get more disturbing? (she also has CSA background). And as a child I molested my dolls, even put holes in them. I also took it too far with friends, consensual but not age-appropriate. Lots of penetration. Also, the later self injury and all those problems. I freeze when having sex. It's no longer worth it. I also cringe when my dad touches me but I don't have any reason to believe he abused me. Memories come in strange pieces....sometimes the person abusing us in dream is the one we are angry at for not protecting us. Memories are complicated.

So, my advice would be to honor your experience but do not "dig" for memories or certainty. Even if the real memories are there, they might not come for months or years. So focusing on symptoms and self care and following your process with curiosity matters. If you want an answer now, you might jump to wrong conclusions (not saying it didn't happen...just nobody here can validate it for you). Please talk to your therapist about some of these feelings. She might be able to help you figure out what to do about them vs just feel stuck with them.