Sexual Thoughts

[Nabeg]

I have been thinking of my rape and sexual abuse. I have intense thoughts of being touched sexual.

There have been times when I wanted act out my rape on others but instead I will with myself.

I will watch abusive porn. When I am done I feel nothing but disgust filth and ashamed.

I don't know how to stop. I fear my thoughts and actions

 

[Pigu]

I want you to know that everything you've described is normal in terms of your feelings and actions, the path to recovering from abuse is long but you are on it and very brave. Are you seeing a therapist who specializes in sexual trauma? I highly recommend (only if you are ready!) A book "The Wounded Heart" by Dan B Allender and the Workbook that goes with it. It will help you address your desires and the shame you are dealing with. It will make you face your deepest feelings and it will be very worthwhile to work your way through the book.

 

[Azimu]

Sounds like you are reenacting trauma. It happens quite often. Talk to a good trauma therapist and they can help.

 

[Riniz]

I am both horrified and sorry for what you're having to endure because of someone else's sick decisions. I know it's hard to let go of shame, hard to not take your trauma out on yourself. Can you try reaching out to someone BEFORE you start the self abuse process? Start giving yourself a new default reaction to the pain. Feel free to message me!

 

[Darubo]

Just adding to the choir: you aren't alone in this. I understand very well the feelings you describe. It's something I still struggle with, because I still have a sexual response to the memory of my trauma, and I am disgusted with myself. But it is a very very common experience, and I know that is not much comfort, but you are definitely not a freak. Are you getting therapy? It is very important, and you should definitely work with someone who is experienced with sexual trauma and who you can talk to and tell the truth to, even though it's hard.

it does get better.

 

[Efubi]

It's something I struggle with as well. I don't know what to do about it and I don't know how to even talk to my therapist about this.

 

[Oze]

I, too, have struggled with this exact problem and share your disgust with myself. I have learned slowly what the others have shared - this is normal for victims of sexual trauma and nothing we should feel ashamed of. I took the huge risk of sharing my thoughts and actions with my therapist, which she said I was very brave to do. Just talking helped reduce some of my shame and she was able to give me good advice on how to handle those self abusive urges. I wish you luck and success in your journey. It's not easy to undo the damage that was done to us in pairing abuse with pleasure, but it can be done! Be proud you are on the road to recovery by trying to stop!

 

[Zacaci]

I struggle with this as well and am trying to find the balance in reenacting nonconsensual acts with someone I trust... because I don't trust people who would be willing to do that with me.

 

[Kulizem]

I struggle with this and for the longest time I thought I was the only one. When I think about it, it makes no sense on why I do any of this. Shouldn't we be revolted? Until now I had never even considered the possibility that it really stems from the abuse and a sexual response from the memory. Just another step in this tumultuous road.

 

[Hikisu]

all I know is that I can't get "turned on" by normal means. If it's not abusive I don't get aroused anymore. Which I guess is fine. I'm not going to be exploring it anymore physically because I can't. I can't stand being touched.

 

[Usuh]

Adding another voice to the choir. I do this too. Sometimes I get this need to meet up with someone but I've resisted it. Opting to watch complete filth instead. Hearing that it's a normal response helps a little, but it is a struggle

 

[Nabeg]

I thought I was alone with these thoughts and urges. I am completely afraid of my actions.

The thoughts I have while having intercourse are horrible but it is the only way I can get pleasure.