Shame And Trauma

[doglover]

Yes, Zipper and June, even when I'm around someone showing me great kindness and connection, if I'm having an off day it's like they are talking to a wall between us. Maybe the shame puts it there.

I'm really going to commit to blaming my brain chemistry more, instead of myself. My brain is doing this. It's not about being worthless. It's about the chemicals in my head getting weird and making me think that. Seems like it could be helpful... if I can just remember to do it!

 

[wcdean]

But truth be known although I am very animated with others I don't even notice much about how I feel myself, unless it's a meltdown.

Yes, same here; when forced into social situations where I don't feel overwhelmed (room full of strangers versus going to work for example) it is much easier for me to "fake" it around others and to some extent it distracts me from the intrusive thoughts, one reason why I usually like to keep myself pretty busy...even on vacations I write an itenerary to make sure that the day is full of activity. I can't just "sit around and relax"; I must stay busy. I thought I was going to go nuts the first week of my ST disability, but have learned to keep myself busy on here, in an attempt to heal, rather than keeping myself busy with whatever, in attempt to hide.

 

[wcdean]

I'm really going to commit to blaming my brain chemistry more, instead of myself. My brain is doing this. It's not about being worthless.

This should help reinforce that thought...

http://discovermagazine.com/1999/mar/stress

 

[doglover]

You have a way with words, wc. Thank you for the link - that's very enlightening.

Two steps forward, one step back. Kudos to everyone here for making progress at whatever rate. I hope we all can find some peace.

 

[mamachick]

I don't understand it Brat, and really don't necessarily know if I need to. All I need to know is that they are related; I'll leave it to my doctors to know the science. I'm just open and honest with the docs and let them do what they're trained to do. You do have to trust them though, which is a big thing for us.

I have a mild traumatic brain injury. The mild part is defined my the fact that I was unconscious for less than 30 minutes. I find it very difficult to determine which symptoms are part of TBI and which are part of PTSD, and often it makes no difference. The same part of the brain is damaged in both so they have similiar characteristics. I trust my pcp and T very much, others not so much.

Even at the time of accident, chest x ray and cat scan done and was told I was ok (no bleed). By the next week, I had not slept in days and was about dilirious when I returned and could not breath. During this week, I countinued doing as normal. Upon return, I was told I had a broken rib with partial pneumothorax (collapsed lung). The same day the hospital informed dr that lung scan showed a blood clot. More tests and determined the lung scan was false positive-no clot. Long and short, I feel like I fell through a lot of cracks. Therefore, I do try to understand some of the info but its tough.

 

[doglover]

Jumping on wcdean's bandwagon a bit...

Those of us who struggle with shame/guilt and trauma, this might be something you can give yourself a break for... because there's research suggesting it might just be how your brain has responded to the experience.

"The medial prefrontal cortex regulates emotional and fear responses.(29) The medial prefrontal cortex is closely linked to the hippocampus. In several studies we have found dysfunction of both the medial prefrontal cortex and the hippocampus at times when patients were suffering from PTSD symptoms.(31)"

Source: http://www.thedoctorwillseeyounow.com/content/stress/art1964.html?getPage=1

So fear that won't go away, intense emotions that don't seem to fit a situation... including shame... this might be your brain. I don't know about you but I am finding some hope in separating how I'm being in the world and how my brain is being. If I can blame my brain then I won't blame myself so much.

 

[wcdean]

It is scientifically proven that PTSD physically alters the brain. I watched a show on Elephants in Africa (I am an Elephant nut and my next tattoo I am planning is an Elephant family, for other reasons before I saw the show but now after seeing that show it will be even more symbolic) where Elephants exposed to significant trauma also exhibit the exact symptoms of humans with PTSD (nightmares, social isolation, increased hyper-vigilance, anxiety and aggression)

The show was on National Geographic Wild and was called "Revenge of the Elephants" if anyone is interested.

 

[doglover]

Thank you, WC. Helps to think about how even other animals can have the same hiccup from similar circumstances.

I'm finding hope in seeing this as biology... and in thinking about the "plasticity" of the brain. If the events and thoughts about them made those changes... and if science shows us that the brain is really "plastic" and can change and make new connections with new ways of doing things... then I see some hope to change my trauma brain so it works more like I want it to. It may never look like the brain of someone who had a perfect or "good enough" childhood but it could slowly morph into something closer to that.

...of course I have a tendency to go intellectual instead of facing feelings, so I'm a little worried I'm doing that here... but I figure if it is helping me deal with the big picture in a way that's more comfortable than those darn shame spirals maybe it's not so bad.