Shame Over Not Knowing Why Some People Have Left

[Justmehere]

I have lost a handful of relationships as an adult. I don't fully understand why. it always seems to be the other person thinks it's all my fault and that its related to my PTSD. I have tried asking why, but the answers never seem to add up. The most recent one was a friendship of 10 years fell apart because I didn't want to do texting. I've posted about it elsewhere and don't want to rehash that specific relationship - it's a good example though where I try to have a limit and somehow, it's unacceptable...

My previous therapist left when I yelled at her "no stop!" She wasn't doing anything bad, and she had encouraged me for over a year that if I ever yelled at her we could get through it. She would not leave. Then when I broke and I did, over a simple misunderstanding, she abruptly made the decision to suddenly quit the relationship with me with no conversation with me about it. Even she said she was surprised and that she deals with no much worse, but for some reason she couldn't do it with me.

A year before that, it was another friendship. Same pattern. I think everything is going ok and then there is a level of connection or a means of connection that I can't do, the other person pushes, I say no more adamantly, and they quit the relationship as a whole.

It's good to have boundaries but I'm doing something wrong. Very wrong. I don't know what it is and I'm carrying a lot of shame now that holds me back in relationships. I don't know what to do and I thought I'd post about it here. My therapist knows about the pattern but isn't sure what I'm doing that makes people go from wanting to draw closer to suddenly cutting all ties. It's never happened with her.

The original wound was my family. It feels like a trauma rennactment happening again and again. I want relationships to end just because we don't click or the other people want something different, not this sudden loss because people are reacting to my saying "no stop."

I keep wondering if my "no stop" is too boundaries or if I'm too judgmental or... I really don't know. No one has that conversation with me. Trusted friends (two of them) who have seen this pattern play out with others and stayed, they can't give any explanation either. I'm seriously googling books on how to be a nicer person.

I'm at a loss. Anyone else experience anything like this or have any other thoughts?

 

[Enaila]

I had a best friend of over 30 plus years (childhood friend who was close friend) just stop talking to me and when I told her I didn't understand why she told me that just shows how much I wasn't understanding our friendship. It still hurts as I honestly have no idea why she doesn't want to talk with me anymore. This came after a discussion with her about childhood traumas. I understand your bewilderment. I try to remind myself people come in and out of our lives for a reason.

 

[brandonsmom777]

Hi, my name is Ashley and while I can't relate to all the reasons to your loss of relationships I can definitely relate to the relationship difficulties. I'm sorry you're going through this. It feels painful and lonely and of course, we, as trauma survivors always want to point the finger backwards and think it's always something WE have done. I myself take on too much responsibility for other people's feelings in the sense that I feel I need to conform a certain way so this person will accept me and not leave. That would require me to change who I am. Now, the reality is is that there is nothing wrong with who I am and if fact as much as I hate myself and could go on and on about what I don't like about me and I don't see how anyone would even like me, people tend to gravitate towards me and say the complete opposite of what I think of myself. People are energy and we all affect eachother and some energies just don't mesh well together, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. My therapist said something to me that made me have a light bulb moment. I was going on a date and I was nervous cuz I was thinking what if he doesn't like me? What if cuz I'm quite and shy he thinks I'm boring? What if he notices my dissociation and thinks I'm a weirdo? Lol and she said Ashley, why don't you focus on whether you like HIM or not. It just made so much sense to me because my whole life I have had abandonment issues which are extreme when I'm in a relationship. So if things start going wrong I automatically blame myself, put myself down and get in the self pity cycle of thinking I'll always be alone. That's a lie! As adults we get to make choices on who we want in our lives. Some people are safe and some people arent. What types of people do you find yourself gravitating towards? Why? I just started reading this book written by a Christian author titled "safe people" I'm halfway through and it opened up my eyes so much that the next day I kicked out my roomate who was trying to encourage me into prostitution, critical and just overall a bitch but sugar coated all of that by saying she only does it cause she cares. LMAO. Bullsh!t. That's what that is so I pointed out everything I saw in her and she had nothing to say. I know I'm getting stronger. It used to be so easy for me to be taken advantage of because of my genuine love for people mixed with my fear of being alone. I'm happy the bitch is gone lol now I can breathe in my own home and completely quit prostituting and am looking for a job that'll give me some pride and dignity thank you. Please don't be so hard on yourself and take some time, some real time to evaluate these relationships you've lost. Make a promise to yourself that you will only look at the other person and see how THEY possibly could have played a part in the relationship ending. What wad their personality type? Were there red flags? Do you know what red flags are that people who haven't had so much trauma don't need because for them it's their intuition? We need to learn all these things cuz we weren't taught. But we can learn and we can grow and we can heal and that's the beauty of being human :)

 

[Deleted member 19804]

It must be really confusing and frustrating to have people leave instantly without even giving you an explanation. I think at least the therapist should have talked with you first, as it is very irresponsible to end a therapeutic relationship like this, especially when they don't immediately refer you to someone who can help you instead.

As for your friendships, I wouldn't know what it is that makes people leave like this. Maybe they weren't really that great of friends and they weren't prepared to actually be there for you during difficult times. I think it does say something that you do have trusted friends. I'm glad you have people like that in your life.
This may sound cliché, but if that friend of 10 years broke off the friendship because you didn't want to text, maybe that person is the one with issues here.

One thing I can imagine is that people who know we have PTSD may feel like they have to tread extremely lightly around us. I've noticed people doing that with me in the past. Maybe that is why your former friends didn't give you a real answer when you asked them why they left. Maybe they also didn't know how to react to you saying "no stop" and therefore decided you couldn't have a good relationship anymore. Or maybe it's something completely different, I don't know. I'm just saying what comes up in my mind right now.

I just want you to know that I think you're a very kind and caring person. And you deserve to have friends who actually stick around and love you for who you are.

:hug:

 

[Thematrix]

@Justmehere, maybe it's about accountability? I could be way off and am just trying to think through this with you.

If it's a boundary thing..then maybe we get to a point where it's to much and it's like, no stop! Or similar

The other person does not like that because they are used to violating our boundaries or pushing them on us , so saying no stop! Or similar would mean they would have to change their behaviour or be accountable for something

Maybe it is a good thing for you? We lose people along the way when we stand up for ourselves I think. Some people do not like the new us, the assertive person because the old us was easier to control...

Is it kind of a guilty/shame feeling for standing up for yourself?

I could be totally way off and misinterpreting what you're saying and if I am, apologies, disregard. If it helps,that's great

 

[Stickler]

...So...You have a right to boundaries.
I don't necessarily think you're doing wrong things.
If someone dumps you as a friend b/c you do not want to text...that's not a real great friend.
Your ex Tdoc failed you. She failed at her job.

These people failed you.
Yes friendship is a two-way street. But if someone cares? They ought to be willing to communicate in a way you find comfortable.

...Look, I have a hard time thinking you're to blame. You are a very clear-spoken and reasonable person on here.

 

[hodge]

JMH, for what it's worth, I would love to have you as a friend in real life. I really appreciate our friendship here. You are smart, gutsy, compassionate. . .much like my other close friends in real life, actually.

I wish I could offer some insight into your dilemma, but just can't think of anything, except that maybe these are people who can't handle being friends with someone with PTSD?

 

[scout86]

Beats me. But I've had similar things happen a few times. I've kind of decided I'm just not good "relationship material" and I'll probably never know why.

I remember the incident with your old T. It was weird. Has your new T ever talked to your old T about what happened?

 

[ladee]

I was thinking along the lines of what @Thematrix shared... we start relationships and some people do not grow with us.And when we do start setting boundaries... then they are gone... well, they filled up a hole in your life for awhile. The great thing is, you start looking for different qualities in people as you are finding new friends... as you grow, become more clear about what you have to give and what you need out of a relationship.. I am talking about friends, not an intimate relationship... I wouldn't touch that topic with someone else's hands !!! Talk about a no go for me... but I do have some great real life friends... but they have grown also...
I don't think it is anything you have done, other than get healthier. And great that you can say NO, STOP... you have worked too hard to get where you are to have people not honor your boundaries.... good riddance.. Makes room for people who actually care about you and allow you to care in return.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that the word no is a complete sentence and you are outgrowing your friends because you are getting healthy and more assertive which I agree means that they are losing their control over you. I went through this so many times in my life. When I first started limits and boundaries with others they pretty much all resisted, you change the status quo and unwritten rules about the relationship. You are just fine. Not your problem. You are better off without them and on your way to healthier relationships I think.

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe you're changing and growing and--------truthfully, people don't like it when others grow & change.

I'm not saying this is the only reason, but I have a feeling this may indeed be a big part of what's happening.

 

[Friday]

<grin> That's one of those very normal-things. People come and go from each other's lives on a regular basis.

If you've ever heard the expression: People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime... That's part of it.

Abusive families are incredibly static. They're always the same & nothing ever changes. (Yep. Ever so slight exaggeration there, but not by much). Abusers abuse & victims stay. Any deviation from super strict rules of interaction & acceptable behavior is punished harshly, random rewards couldn't be better designed to keep people coming back for more, and roles are solid as basement rock.

Normal life? Healthy relationships? Aren't like that.

They're fluid. People change roles as needed. Expectations shift in according to circumstance. Boundaries are either respected, or are realigned in order to minimize friction & sparks, or the relationship itself changes.

What you're experiencing with relationships running their course? Is normal life. How relationships are these dynamic, changing, inconstant things.

$50 says the abuse isn't what's making people leave. It's what makes you think they should stay.