Sharing Trauma Journals With Your Therapist

[BloomInWinter]

Hello All,

I began a hand-written trauma journal about a month ago.

I've been just free-writing to vent out when I can't bring myself down from the hyper-arousal symptoms through exercise, or I am feeling too overwhelmed and need to find an outlet.

I have to say, I'm shocked at how much it helps. I never thought I'd be the 'journaling type' (whatever THAT is!) but I am.

The thing is, I hadn't gone back and looked at what I had written. I'm being flooded pretty bad these days and have so many symptoms I just write until I run out of time and then write again.

At my last T. session, I shared it with my T.

I don't know what I expected, but it WASN'T his reaction. I guess I expected what I've gotten all along...you all have heard it many times. 'Forgive and Forget' and 'They did the best they could' blah blah blah and here's what you need to work on.

Instead, my T. seemed really affected by it. He said 'You've had a LOT of CRA-PY things happen to you...' and 'What's wrong with feeling bad? How are you supposed to feel?'

It shocked me. Validation? After all these years? No 'Look on the Bright Side..' BS? No 'just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and...' mumbo jumbo?

I didn't know how to handle that! I felt something in me...shift. Like a tight knot loosening. I've NEVER gotten a validating response, just the happy shiny 'forgive your abuser' BS that made me learn to lock this stuff up tight or risk social suicide.

It felt healing - until I went home and a few days later, re-read what I had written and totally freaked out that I had revealed so much! I've NEVER told anyone this stuff.

Now I'm finding myself;

• scared to go back
• scared to share the journal again
• wanting to self-censor but realizing it isn't helpful if I'm not honest
• wanting to deny this stuff really happened
• wanting to change what I write to minimize the negative so it doesn't sound so bad
• deciding one day that I'm NEVER sharing it again then a few days later, deciding that I will share it anyway and am freaking out that I wrote the first part

Ugh! I'm still going to write what I need, AND bring it to my next appointment but I don't know that I'll have the courage to offer it to him again.

Any suggestions on handling trauma journals would be most welcome.

 

[Tinyflame]

BloomInWinter,

I can't say I've done that, but I said once I was 'suicidal' which- talk about Social Suicide. (Only took me 25+ years, too, to breach the subject). Actually, said it twice but other response was "Good, do the world a favour.." So your T sounds like he's nothing like that and as you said the knot loosened, that's got to be good, right?

So no, I'd just recognize it's an inevitable feeling, carry on, maybe skip a week if you have to, maybe tell him how it makes you feel (good and bad), and recognize what a great step forward it is.

It really will get better/ easier/ you won't feel as badly about it (though that might seem impossible right now).

-Great for you, celebrate your success! One thorn pulled out. Hey-yikes- thought of that without even thinking of your name. :)
Way to go, anyway! -Takes a lot of guts.-

 

[monkeynutz]

Hi BloomInWinter

I'm not sure if this is exactly the same thing but my T suggested that I write a letter to my mum, not the perpetrator of my CS abuse but I believe that my mum facilitated the abuse and most of my therapy sessions have gone back to how hurt I am by my mums actions, or lack of them.

Anyway, I wrote this letter, telling my mum exactly what was in my head. I don't think this letter is ever intended to be sent but I wrote it as if it was. I didn't want my T to read it whilst I was there because this is the first time I have EVER put into words things that have happened and how they affected me so I emailed it to her and then text her to say id sent it. As soon as I had clicked that 'SEND' button I panicked. I felt exposed and vulnerable and expected the same as you seem to have become accustomed to. The "its not as bad as you think" or the "just get on with it" response. Or that my family would get to read it? Not sure how but hey, I'm irrational.

About half an hour after sending it my T rung me. I saw her number on my phone and nearly didn't answer. I did and she told me that she had read my letter and she had cried whilst reading it. My first response was to apologise, immediately I felt guilty. But she assured me that it was fine, she was crying for the child in my past, writing the letter and that it was ok because there was some really explicit detail in the letter. She asked me if I had cried whilst writing it. I said not- I haven't cried since I was tiny so she said that was fine too, she was crying my tears for me for now until I was could.

I felt so strange. Like somebody was actually feeling the sense of hopelessness and loss that I have felt for my whole life and I felt validated, exactly how you said. It literally took my breath away. I felt like I wasn't invisible any more.

I was very nervous the next time I saw her, not sure why. I think I still felt very exposed and vulnerable but she printed the letter off that I had sent her and then deleted the email so I felt slightly more secure. The letter has been something that can open the sessions especially as I seem to spend the first half of my session trying to start talking.

I have also found that it has given my T kind of a guideline, a time line of my life, and she has been asking me questions about it that have helped me open up and I don't feel frustrated that things aren't being covered. I am still very early on in my therapy but I feel that it is preparing a base for my therapy.

I also think I found the actual writing of the letter therapeutic in its own way. It made the jumble of spaghetti strands in my head kind of unknot and make sense for a while. My main issue is that I have almost totally switched off from my emotions after over 12 years of abuse- I dissociate a lot and I wrote the letter almost as in third person, like I was writing it for somebody else but I am hoping that I can connect to my experiences one day when I read about them and start to feel again.

Anyway I'm not sure if this is what you were looking for but I am just letting you know that I can totally relate to your post.

I hope you keep writing.

Good Luck

Monkey

 

[bluecat]

Hi Bloom in Winter,

I am so happy you found a compassionate therapist. I can't imagine dealing with my past without having my T to hear me out. When I see her reactions, (which are very similar to what you're describing) it makes me feel safe to have those emotions too. If she's shocked at something I am like, yeah, it is shocking after all, even though I've laughed it off for 25 yrs and yeah, that was painful, even if I was told that I'll be a coward if I cry when it happened. There is nothing as healing as someone's compassionate response.

I was also completely flooded by emotions when I started talking. It was a huge step. Everything in me was squirming with fear and shame on one hand and wanting to come out to the light on the other. In the end, talking won. It just felt too damn good to not have to deal with it on my own and not have to keep all the secrets burried inside me. The more I talked the more I wanted to be heard.

I felt pretty conflicted about starting a trauma diary on here too, given that other people would read it. At the same time, I was worried that my therapist is supportive to me only because its her job and other people would think I am just too sensitive and making a big deal out of nothing. But the response was overwhelmingly positive, I got good advice and most importantly emotional support. Its hard to deal with it all alone. Trauma makes us believe that showing any vulnerability is not safe. But its not true. Its not safe being vulnerable with abusers, its perfectly safe and healthy with normal compassionate people.

You're really brave going through with this and taking care of your emotional needs.

Good luck with the therapy and the journal,
Bluecat

 

[BloomInWinter]

i've printed off my trauma diary and shared it. Thankfully, we're leaving the content alone right now and working on symptom management.

Scary stuff, sharing this! I am able to write in my trauma diary but cannot talk about most of it verbally, yet.

 

[allitherapy]

Bloom,
I also have a hand-written journal where I go into very detailed accounts of what I experienced. The first time I shared it with my therapist, she actually started crying. This was a few months into my therapy and was a really important moment in my therapeutic process. I realized that if this stuff made someone else sad, it was ok for me to be sad too.
After I left that session, I felt so embarrassed about what I had shared with her. I was scared to go back and terrified about ever reading more of my journal to her.
Of course, I went back and read more and for the first time in YEARS, I cried too. It was such a release and relief to finally be able to feel what I should be feeling.
I think sometimes describing the situations verbally and reading what we wrote evoke very different responses from our therapists. I know for me at least, my writing is a lot more detailed than what I would just spontaneously say and I think hearing the details really helps the therapist see what has really gone on.
I'm glad your therapist gave you such validation and I hope you have the courage to share more of your journal with him someday when you feel ready.
Hugs,
Alli

 

[Jade-]

I pretty much did the same thing BloomInWinter....

I had been making a list of what I want to talk about before my sessions and I got carried away and wrote 18 pages(or was it 19?). Once I started writing, all the thoughts/memories started flowing so smoothly that I just kept writing. It turned into a journal even though that wasn't my intention. So I gave it to my T. to read/keep.

When I gave it to him, he was going to start reading it while I was sitting there, but I didn't want him to. The rest of the week I stressed about him actually reading it. I was wishing I hadn't given it to him, I was cringing because of some of the things I wrote about. I worried about being judged. I didn't think I would be able to go and face him the next session.

But when I went the next time, he told me that was 'alot of stuff', said I had been through alot, etc. and it made it all seem/feel real and it was good to feel validated.

It made a huge difference in the way I felt. It was freeing to share all that stuff with someone else. I had written the same stuff so many times before and ripped it up or burned it or deleted it. That didn't seem to really help though.....probably because I was still holding it all inside and keeping it secret.

I had/have all the same feelings as you...scared to go back, scared to share it again, etc. So I totally understand what you're saying and what you're going through.

I do think it's best that we keep sharing all the stuff. It's only going to help us in the long run. As hard as it is, I believe the truth will set us free. That may sound corny, but I do believe it.

 

[Nighthawk]

Bloom,
I have given the new T some of my writing and every time I do I feel the same way and have to fight my way back into his office. The writing alone has been a huge help it puts it out o my head and onto paper. My T has had me read some of them to him and has told me he is concerned about the lack of emotion to the content hmmm ... I think I will find a way to print what I have written after I leave my sessions that way maybe he will see that there is an affect of sharing my info. Sorry I got side tracked.

(((((HUGS))))

NH

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Nighthawlk))))))

Yes, LOVE the way you put that. "Fight my way back into his office..." SO TRUE!

I had no idea just writing this stuff down/typing it out would be SO difficult! Much less sharing it...and I'm not even reading it/discussing it yet.

It does seem to open up a lot more info to work with, just....frightening.

 

[Jestadud]

I found the best way for me to communicate with my T was to write stuff down as I thought of it and it was clearly important because so much of my "problems" lay in my past.

 

[silk123]

I just wish I could bottle all your confidence, so are all so great, I just wish I was like that and able to do the same. It is so gutting when you want to do something, know it is for the best and can only benefit you but you still cannot do it...grrr.

 

[Leigh925]

I did the same exact thing! Going back for the next visit after I knew he had read the journal was very difficult but very validating and sooo worth it. The time between giving him the journal and then waiting to see what he had to say about it was excruciating though. It definitely was the right thing for me to do though and I feel like it was a giant step of forward progress for me.