Relationship She Left Me Due To Ptsd - An Update

[Tibbles123]

WOW @Olivia2016 you state a lot of generalized untrue statements!



She may not b...

Well we talked Friday. She said we rushed into this and she started questioning her feelings, then with her abusive dad dying, pressure from her family to reconcile with him, school, waiting to find out if she's getting into the nursing program she wants to go to, and me placing extra expectations she just felt like she couldn't give me the affection I need. I told her I forgot what she could do and got caught up in our future rather than focusing on the present and that I can understand what she can give me and be happy with that. She agreed we should give this another shot, but said we need slow down and drop our expectations a bit. So, it's ok if we don't talk for a night and I shouldn't expect her to always text back because at times she's overwhelmed and handle it right now. Basically I need to back off and stop expecting so much from her.

It's really hard though. She's very short in her return texts and didn't call me last night. I broke down and called her last night, but she didn't pick up.

Any thoughts on how to make this easier? I have this overwhelming sense of anxiousness. Ugh! Like I don't know if she's gonna come back and talk to me again and I'm afraid to push.

 

[anonymous]

with her abusive dad dying, pressure from her family to reconcile with him

That alone is insanely hard. My primary abuser died and my family was pressuring me to go to the funeral and I went off the rails; almost lost my job and the man was dead. To reconcile with an abuser, I cant imagine that!

Have you seen the "PTSD cup Explaination"?

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

Therefore the more stress she has, the more the cup overflows it can be small stuff so when its big stuff, like being pressured to reconcile with the man that abused you, I can see why she's freaking out. And maybe (I'm not a mind reader but maybe) she doesnt want you to see her freak outs and/or hurt you and she's also likely doing a lot of reliving trauma too. Just that one thing can explain so much.

Any thoughts on how to make this easier? I

Well Anthony did have some thoughts but self care is very important and some good PTSD relationship books? Research on how to have a good relationship even with PTSD and there are some great books and info out there.

 

[Kintsugi]

I just want to clarify that the first anonymous poster is a different person from the following anonymous posts. This is the first anonymous responder again... :rolleyes: I've decided two anonymous posters is simply too damn confusing.

Do you want to be in a relationship if these are the boundaries necessary for her to feel comfortable? Do you feel comfortable? You have a say in what you will and will not tolerate, after all. PTSD may offer good explanations for behavior, but alcoholism offers good explanations for unacceptable behavior, too, and it doesn't mean it has to be tolerated within a relationship if you are uncomfortable with it.

I would spend some time on you, assessing what you want and need in a relationship. This one might not be right. Seems like a whole lot of deep, tumultuous emotion for a relationship of only three months.

 

[anonymous]

Sorry about being the 2nd annoymous

but alcoholism offers good explanations for unacceptable behavior, too, and it doesn't mean it has to be tolerated within a relationship if you are uncomfortable with it.

I would spend some time on you, assessing what you want and need in a relationship. This one might not be right. Seems like a whole lot of deep, tumultuous emotion for a relationship of only three months.

I agree with both of these points. I did forget about the addiction. This is also what I meant by self care. Concentrating on you and what you want and need.

I also agree, at a 3 month mark, this would be too much for me or anyone.

I would also like to say that sufferers of PTSD or any disorder, and addicts, we are responsible for our behavior and how our behavior and actions affects those around us.

 

[Tibbles123]

Sorry about being the 2nd annoymous




I agree with both of these points. I did forget about the ad...

@Simply Simon

It's closer to 6 months now. I promised her when she had her breakdown in March. I would never abandon her.

 

[Justmehere]

Making promises to never abandon someone is a tough situation for both sides and explains maybe another reason why she pulled in too fast for her to be able to handle too.

That being said, deciding this isn't the right dating relationship for you is very different than abandonment of a person. It's not healthy to stay if it means you drown in your own emotional struggle while trying to be there for her.

I think it's time to step back and look at if this is a pattern with her that you can sustain as a romantic partner for he long haul, without things changing for the better. Consider what you can do in your own life to sustain the space she is asking for at times and if you have the support you need to do it.

Staying in this based on the hope for change is only going to set you both up for resentment down the road. Be fair to her (and to yourself) and accept that this is how she is and will be and decide if you can do it or not.

If you can't, don't push both of you to do something you both can't handle right now.

Most of all, :hug:s to you for caring as much as you do.

 

[Justmehere]

I also think it might help to look at not just her fear of abandonment, but your own. The pattern you are in is a really common pattern seen here on the forums. It might help to read more about preoccupied and avoidant/ambivalent attachment patterns too. It can lead to a tough cycle of one party chasing another who is pulling away, and the more they pull away the more the other chases the person.

You describe in both posts a number of times where she pulls away and you pull in more, almost in reaction to your fear she is abandoning you or your concern how she is doing, and she pulls away more, and you pull in more...

She sends 1 text, you send 10, and she backs up more, and you pull in more... Until she is overwhelmed and you are abandoned. Again.

In some of your posts you describe her saying things I would say if someone is closer to me than I can manage, and your real struggle to maintain the distance she wants to have to be at in the relationship at all.

Now that she has actually abandoned you several times, you have a realistic and understandable fear or her future abandonment of you, and it's naturally pulling you to pull in more...

And around and around this cycle will likely go until both parties get enough help and recovery under their feet to establish and maintain a new pattern.

 

[Tibbles123]

I also think it might help to look at not just her fear of abandonment, but your own. The pattern yo...

No I definitely have abandonment anxiety issues. I think you're right. I just need to let go concentrate on me and let her come to me.

 

[The Albatross]

Because Tibs said, "I definitely have abandonment anxiety issues. I think you're right. I just need to let go concentrate on me..." I cut em some slack on the last bit.

 

[Lanes]

Yeah sorry, Tibs, I just really want it to work out. Sorry.

 

[Tibbles123]

Yeah sorry, Tibs, I just really want it to work out. Sorry.

Yeah well, like an idiot I called her last night and still no answer... I think she just wants me to pull the plug.

 

[EveHarrington]

You're not an idiot. You really do care about her.

Sometimes it's good for both parties to step away so that there is breathing room. It gives time for a fresh perspective on it all.