Relationship She's So Hung Up On Specifics

[R.Quartz]

So my PTSD suffering girlfriend (of about 3 months) sometimes expresses her anxiety in the form of only allowing herself to feel okay if a very specific set of parameters are met. For example, we have to be at a certain restaurant at a very specific time and order a very specific glass of wine or else the date just doesn't "count". Or we can be having a great time at home when I've cooked her dinner and built a fire in the fireplace when suddenly she will be very preoccupied with finding a very specific placemat. She will rummage through the kitchen and let dinner go cold and the fire burn out before finally sitting down on the couch with me to enjoy the night. Shortly afterward she usually just passes out.

The worst is when she is awake at 3am and decides that she has a severe medical ailment that can only be cured by something both specific and trivial like an Emergen-C packet, or a flax seed supplement. She will not be consoled unless we drive to CVS in the middle of the night to get it. When I try to set boundaries about this, she says she will just walk (it is several miles away through an unsavory area).

It doesn't happen all the time, she usually apologizes the next day, and I've learned to leave expectations at the door (in order to maintain my own sanity, we agreed that for dinners I could just start eating without her when this happens although it is still heartbreaking)... But I'm wondering if this is something anyone else can relate with.

P. S. Tonight she actually wanted to do an elaborate celebration with me that was a surprise. It took her so long to prepare it that she passed out on the sofa, all dressed up, before being able to share what it was.

She means no harm, and I've learned to roll with it, but open to any feedback.

 

[macca]

Well, take it with a grain of salt, but - that sounds like OCD. I have PTSD, and I react to triggers related to my trauma, and go into survival mode, or threat mode. I'm easily startled, and have intrusive thoughts, nightmares and flashbacks. Where there seems like there is overlap is that in both disorders you can have obsessive thoughts, but in PTSD the obsessive thoughts are usually related to the trauma in some way. That's my understanding anyhow. My son has OCD, and it is a very debilitating, time-consuming, frustrating thing to deal with, both for the sufferer and for the people around them. He has a lot of specific things he feels must be done too, in order to feel comfortable. OCD is anxiety-related also, so if her PTSD is bad, I imagine it might make the OCD worse, if she has it. My son's OCD really flares up if he is anxious about other stuff. But - again, that's just what it sounds like, only a professional can diagnose it - this is only my impression, and only because I have a family member with OCD that it sounded familiar in that way. There are others on here who have both PTSD and OCD that would be in a better place to give you feedback. Does she have a therapist?

 

[R.Quartz]

She does, albeit not a fantastic one (no trauma specialty) due to finances. I'm personally looking for a more specialized therapist in the area, even just to keep my own secondary anxiety at bay.

 

[Hashi]

It definitely sounds like something else going on, alongside the PTSD.

What do you mean, passing out? Do you mean falling asleep? In the UK it usually means fainting or losing consciousness after drinking, which is why I wanted to check.

I'm a bit concerned that she's seeing a not fantastic non-trauma therapist. I'm glad you're looking for a more appropriate one.

 

[R.Quartz]

It definitely sounds like something else going on, alongside the PTSD.

What do you mean, passing out? Do you mean falling asleep? In the UK it usually means fainting or losing consciousness after drinking, which is why I wanted to check.

I mean involuntarily going to sleep due to exhaustion. It seems like when she is loaded with anxiety (especially when she is trying to avoid nightmares) , she is able to stay up for extended periods of time (2-3 days) which makes anxiety management even worse. But when her sleep gets that irregular, she becomes prone to falling asleep without notice.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I agree. It does sound like an OCD along with the PTSD. My hubby does that with needing to do things around the house to get everything just right before feeling comfortable. He goes to sleep too.

Also, I noticed you mentioned she stays up 2-3 days to avoid nightmares. That has to be taxing on her system as well and maybe making the anxiety so much worse?

Glad she is willing to see a better T.

 

[Justmehere]

PTSD and OCD are both anxiety disorders and PTSD can often lead to developing OCD. In fact, I was just reading a study showing that people with OCD with underlying PTSD have great rates of recovery from OCD, more than those with just ocd. I struggle with OCD at times.

It sounds like it could be a way of her avoiding being close, an attachment issue which can develop from trauma too...

None of us can really know or diagnose her.

Do you mean you are looking for a therapist for you? That would be excellent! Really, one of the best things anyone did for me was get their own support.

In the meantime, I think holding boundaries is good when you need to, and will likely make her feel more anxious - like anyone who can't use their was of managing anxiety anymore. You could offer maybe healthier ways to cope with her anxiety... Like hey let's stop and talk about what you are feeling or what will help you let go of that placemat... PTSD and/or OCD, if works best if she thinks it is a problem too.

 

[Hashi]

she is able to stay up for extended periods of time (2-3 days)

This is going to be making everything much worse. I agree with Justmehere about it exacerbating the anxiety. It's also going to be making her feel less grounded and less resilient generally.

When I had nightmares, they were worse when I went to sleep over-tired.

 

[R.Quartz]

Do you mean you are looking for a therapist for you? That would be excellent! Really, one of the best things anyone did for me was get their own support.

Yes, I've had to cope with new forms of my own anxiety in the relationship which I'd appreciate a professional outlet to discuss with. Overall I'm very happy about the relationship as a whole, and I want to be a better supporter for when times get challenging. I think they will feel less challenging if I not only have the proper education to deal with it, but also if I can make sure that I'm well grounded myself and don't let my own insecurities fuel her anxiety.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

That's an excellent plan. Good for you!