Should I Allow Myself To Remember?

[Nyx]

Learning from a past mistake and then just accepting that it is in our past is also part of recovery.

I walked around with a great deal of shame weighing me down for a long time. I blamed myself for going with the man that raped me when I was 19. I believed his story and never had one thought of doubt. I just went with him. Again, sounds cliche, no one would go with him, but I did. And I blamed myself for that. But enough is enough. I don't need to carry that shame with me to have learned my lesson and be cautious in the future. I did go, but I didn't agree to anything he did to me. So the blame is still his. The fact that another person is young/inocent/gullible does not make it okay for another to abuse that person. Not ever. Under any circumstances.

It is true that I have not reached this conclusion over night. So I wish you speed in reaching your conclusion.

I leave you with a piece of advice. Try to "have a talk with yourself" and see if the feeling you cheated on your husband is really gone or that's really your mind telling you it's gone so you can start to ignore it. I used to do that all the time. I would say - and believe - that I'm over something when I really wasn't. It takes some time to learn to recognize the mind's tricks... I don't want to spook you, maybe it's not the case with you. Just wanted to ket you know that it could be.

Hope you're feeling better :hug:

 

[jadebear]

Thanks Nyx.

It's been a little hard(well more than a 'little' hard actually) dealing with this since it's something I just recently remembered. It's not like I have had loads of time to think about it, accept it or even deal with it yet. Hopefully sometime soon I will be able to put the blame where it belongs.

Today I am a little stuck on the fact that I tried to fight him off at first, but then I just gave up fighting and let him do his thing. It was just easier that way. I assumed if I stopped fighting, it would be over sooner. It bothers me that I gave up and just 'let' him do what he wanted.

I was told today that all women eventually stop fighting when they're being raped..... Is that true?

 

[Nyx]

For me it was true, both times. I gave up fighting pretty soon, actually.

 

[jadebear]

I didn't fight when I was a kid, but 'thought' I should have as an 18 yr old.

 

[cherryblossom]

I was 20 when I was raped. You may have read my story or not. Either way it doesn't matter. Am I to blame for being raped? Should I have 'fought' harder not to be raped? These are rhetorical questions, because I'm pretty sure you don't blame me for being being raped. So don't blame yourself either. ;)

 

[cherryblossom]

Just to add, 18 is still young, and a confusing age. The most important thing is you survived. He could have killed you, but whatever you did or didn't do kept you alive. Along with everything else, it just proves you are a survivor, and how much courage and strength you have. I know it's hard not to beat yourself up for the things that have happened to you.

But whatever happened, has happened. You can't change the past. And you are not to blame. But you can change your future by learning to live with past, and working hard in therapy to reduce the negative effect that past has on you. You have done amazingly well, in the time that I've known you. Keep working at it. It will be soooooo worth it. (Don't forget - this is our year ;)!!)

 

[Powder]

Is the processing, the wondering if we should have fought harder and did things differently to avoid the whole abuse in the first place, what is that? Is it "bargaining" in the grieving process? I'm struggling to understand how the grieving process applies to remembering abuse, which as you said, we somehow managed to repress in order to function and survive the trauma.

Fighting would likely have generated more violence or enraged the perp to become deadly. I think the reaction we had was instinct and cannot be second-guessed in hindsight in any way. The fact you survived is confirmation that your instincts worked out in that instance to keep you alive. You did nothing wrong at all. In fact, given the guy's age, I also think that accepting a ride probably seemed safe with an older man to an 18 year old, a 60 year old seems too geriatric to be a threat. As we age, we learn that is not the case, but at 18, the thinking is what it is.
No blame. Yes, the perp does try to blame the victim to try to pass of the guilt. My Dad called me a slut a few times, and now I get it. He was doing the same. Until my flashback, I didnt' understand how such a "moral" Christian man of the church would use those terms for his child.

The sick mind of a violent person is not something I want to try to understand. I'd rather stay away from men, and largely I do, because it's impossible to predict the sick ones. It would be great if they came with a label, like the mark of Cain.

I have also had the same freak out times...this is a normal part of the surfacing process. It will lessen, return, and lessen.

XOXO Take care, Muse

 

[jadebear]

accepting a ride probably seemed safe with an older man to an 18 year old

Thanks for saying that Muse. I was so caught up in beating myself up over it that I didn't stop to think about my perceptions and state of mind at age 18, all I kept thinking was how stupid I was.

At that age, a man in his 50's was just an 'old man' to me.....someone safe, not someone I would be leery of. All I cared about and thought about at the time was how pissed I was at my mom for not giving me money, all I wanted to do was get back into town and get back to my apartment with my boyfriend.

I guess I do feel responsible and guilty, otherwise I would have no problem telling my husband about it. Logically, I know it wasn't my fault. Deep down I keep thinking this is different because I wasn't a helpless little girl, I was 18, and should have known better than to accept the ride. And no matter how many times I am told it wasn't my fault, it's not going to make a difference until I truly believe it myself.

I guess I feel like what he called me...a whore. I keep thinking about the way I was dressed....did I look like a whore? Did I act like a whore? Even though my T. said it doesn't matter how I was dressed, it's something that I keep thinking about.

Maybe what it all really boils down to is I AM PISSED that it happened.

 

[Nyx]

Of course you are :) And you have every right to be pissed. Just not at yourself.

Your T is right, it doesn't matter how you were dressed. The way we dress is in no way an invitation to aggression. There's a great movement growing these days concerning exactly this topic (Link Removed). I wish people would become more and more aware of this, so victims of abuse could finally stop feeling guilty. Once the stigma is down, I believe the whole healing process will become easier and easier.

 

[Powder]

You have the right to put on any clothes you want and look any way you want. No one has the right to leer, catcall or rape you. That is what is inappropriate and actually illegal. Our societies have deemed we have the freedom of expression/speach and not the freedom to sexually use people. That's a big difference, so remember, you were abused by a criminal.

Some day, we will have the ability to convict rapists with greater accuracy, like through a simple medical test, they will be identified. DNA has allowed murders to be convicted more easily, and in some rape cases also, if the ER is visited right away. It is my dream that even rape cases that have gone cold or happened a long time ago, will be prosecutable in a simple process, saving the survivor the heavy burden of court.

Medical and other technologies need to catch up to what's demanded. If we demand the tests, they will be provided. Survivors can group and speak out and the tests will come forth. We have the technology now, but the gov'ts need to get on board and the legislature needs to be willing to deal with the problem. There are so many rapes that don't ever come before a Judge.

Jadebear, you are right, you were 18 and your emotions were acting like an 18 year old. That's it. Totally normal. He took advantage of your gender, size, and age. That's it. Criminals are opportunists: they pounce like a cat when they see an opportunity, no matter how that opportunity presents itself. You could have been a nun or a clown, and he would have still tried to use the opportunity to be the aggressor. Because that's what it's all about, power and dominance; remember they are sick.

Take care, and take time to counter the negative self talk with positive self affirmation. Soon you will see tiny changes in your world. Don't rush it too fast. You got to get yourself there before you can bring your husband there, too. :)

I'm so sorry you're in this mode, but also glad you're strong and tackling it head on.

XOXO muse

 

[Heather]

I'm so sorry that happened to you JB. You are NOT to blame.

HUGS. Heather

 

[Mercy]

Good job! Your anger will give you strength to work on processing that lunatic's actions. Be Pissed, BE REALLY PISSED Chances are you've been holding that anger down to keep from remembering. The dumb thing about anger is that it pops up somewhere unrelated to what you are actually mad at. You can celebrate being pissed. It is a real solid mile marker in your recovery of your own life.