Should I Ask For Sexual Exclusivity?

[Kega]

He can be at times...I wouldn't categorize him as generally manipulative, however.

 

[Buraf]

Well it sounds like maybe yes he's testing you to see his you'll react. However I've known men and lots of em and i dunno just to me if his focus was on worjkng on him so that you can possibly reconcile then why the hell bring up another woman at all?

 

[Vimiza]

Sounds like YOU want the time for both of you to work on yourselves (apart) while HE wants to be together.

Is it really fair of you to say that you don't want to be with him but nobody else can either?

Not really.

I think if you want in, then you're fully in.

If you want out, you want out.

I don't think he is doing the manipulative game playing thing, but I think you are.

Don't tell him that he can't have you but can't have anyone else either if he wants to be with you in the future. This simply is not fair.

 

[Funobe]

I'm cracking up at all of the man-hating rhetoric here.

He's not being manipulative.

 

[Mewose]

Most men are DOGS! That is my experience! There are very very few good ones in this world. It's not man hating, it's fact! He's being a douche!

 

[Rihohe]

I agree, I don't think he is being manipulative. I don't think this is a gender issue either. I am a woman and if someone is not in a committed relationship with me, I'm gonna see other people. If they want me to be exclusive with them, then they have to be willing to be in a relationship with me. That's how I am. Other people may want other things, and that's fine too. This is simply what I would want. It isn't manipulative on my part. I don't think it is on his, even though it probably feels bad, and you may feel pulled to be more likely to commit to him.

 

[Kega]

But what if you're in love with them and want longterm and say you'll do whatever it takes in order for that to happen? Shouldn't all that trump any passing flings? Especially knowing I'm on the same page?

 

[Nuhi]

But what if you're in love with them and want longterm and say you'll do whatever it takes in order for that to happen? Shouldn't all that trump any passing flings? Especially knowing I'm on the same page?

If this is the case, then why not commit to him now? I'm not referring to a life long marriage commitment.... but any commitment. Maybe it might help you to ask him what it would take for him to find it easy to give up dating others?

I'm actually quite confused about what you do want just on this thread.

We both decided to use this time to work on ourselves in the hopes of reconciling after he gets back. He would like an official label more than anything, but I'd like to see some progress made first before feeling comfortable enough getting back together.

It's like you want all the "benefits" of long term commitment, without actually making that commitment yourself. It's ok to not be able to make that commitment, maybe even wise. But I'm really lost as to how you expect him to still act like it is a committed relationship, but without the positives of it being one.

I think it may be time to look at what you fear about getting back together with him. Why don't you?

 

[Kega]

I'm scared because of his anger issues, which he openly admits to having, and are totally understandable given all he's been through. It's just really hard to sustain a loving relationship for long like that, no matter how much you love them.

 

[Nuhi]

That makes a lot of sense to be concerned about anger issues. In the end, that's an important and serious deal breaker already on the table.

Is he getting help for that or making other commitments to change around that issue? I think that will show a lot more about his intentions here.

 

[Kega]

Yes, that is what this time apart was supposed to be for :/

 

[Etir]

My sufferer and I are no longer together and will be separated by distance for the next few months. This isn't the first...

If its okay with you, would you mind saying how old this guy is?....That may sound condescending, but believe me, it makes a big difference. If he's over 30 I'd say some of your suspicions are valid. If he's over 40, he's probably a douche. If he's in his early 20's...then please cut him some slack. That doesnt mean you have to let him see other people, or stop being hurt by his considering the possibility of wanting to - while he says he loves you.

It means a guy between the ages of 20 and 25, ( possibly up to 30 ) absolutely can be in love and feel an overwhelming urge to consider functional sex with other women as no big deal, and they can do that without being A-holes. They can control it, and should if they care about you and your relationship.. ..I'm just saying dont judge too harshly for the urge. I'd give him points for his honesty myself. So many guys will lie and make a big show of commitment, then just hide the cheating really well. Dont under value a guy that tells you the truth - even though he knows you wont like it.