Should I Ask For Sexual Exclusivity?

[Kega]

So then should I just "free" him and just see what happens once he's back? He's always said I'm his wildcard, and even though he wants to be with me more than anything, he's had to learn to not hold his breath too much because I've dumped him twice now (due to his anger issues). We still love each other very much and both said we are like magnets for one another. If he'd get a handle on his anger, I'd be with him in a heartbeat, and all this other stuff would be moot. We are both 30.

 

[Ohaju]

So then should I just "free" him and just see what happens once he's back? He's always said I'm his wildcard, and even th...

I can only say what I think from a perspective of being sort of old, while my own relationships were disastrous, I've certainly been around, known many people, their marriages and relationships.

Yeah, I'd go with the ' if you love someone set them free..' concept if I were you. The odds are much higher that he'll mature faster and learn to value you more if you do...then he'll appreciate you when he comes back. He probably would come back. The problem with getting someone to deal with anger or fidelity for the sake of a relationship, is it isnt their idea to do it first, its yours.

I'd tell him to do what he wants, that I dont like it and it'll hurt , but its not your job to mother him or tell him how to be. He knows what you are looking for, if he can do that great, if he doesnt want to commit to it, somebody else will. Dont look too sad, never ask him about other people, and stay positive when you talk to him.

I've seen guys that always complain about their girlfriends controlling do a 180 and beg to be taken back when the gf handles it that way. But they always test it to see if your playing a game, so be prepared for him saying something to deliberately make you jealous or hurt - to see if you'll fold.

You DONT have to follow any of that advice ! Everyone's different, its just life experience I'm sharing. I'm 48 . I used to have a ton of girlfriends, I've seen it all. I'm not psychic and I dont know you, so keep that in mind :)

 

[Mede]

His commitment to address and change how he handled anger is the real sign of how committed he is to make things work with you. Saying you are his wild card is a way to avoid why you left. If it was clearly communicated it was his issues with controlling anger, that's actually the real wildcard and you are responding in a predictable manner.

If he isn't making a plan about how he is going to make changes with the anger, then it's best to accept that he is gonna stay the same.

Not "letting him loose" is a way for you to stay in the relationship with him, at a distance.

Don't stay in it hoping he will change, if he shows no evidence to work for that change.

If he isn't committed and making an effort to address that real deal breaker, yes, let him loose. Doing otherwise let's him think there is a chance and he will just continue to be how he is without changing.

 

[Uluh]

In my opinion, 'time apart' or 'taking a break from the relationship', or any of those concepts - they only work when there are no strings. Period.

You're both going to need to choose to be with each other again. Having some weird set of rules isn't going to actually help this time be productive.

 

[Wigoh]

Most men are DOGS!

I think that is harsh. I have not yet met 'most men'. But a reasonable proportion of the ones I have met are absolute gentlemen. Some women are not very nice though.

It's not man hating, it's fact!

Not a fact unless you can provide the supporting evidence.

He's being a douche!

Interesting cultural difference here. This is my understanding of the term 'douche'

But what if you're in love with them and want longterm and say you'll do whatever it takes in order for that to happen? Shouldn't all that trump any passing flings?

The problem here seems to be that it comes across as all one-sided. You both need to feel the same. One person cannot force another to love them, no matter how hard they try. Doing 'whatever it takes' may mean being a different person - and that is impossible.

I'm actually quite confused about what you do want just on this thread.

I agree with this.

But I'm really lost as to how you expect him to still act like it is a committed relationship, but without the positives of it being one.

Agreed. Wanting a break while maintaining 'all the rules' really isn't a break at all.

I'm scared because of his anger issues,

Then that must be dealt with. If he is not going to change then the relationship is already over

he's had to learn to not hold his breath too much because I've dumped him twice now

So what on earth made you go back twice already? His anger hasn't changed yet you showed him that was ok?

In my opinion, 'time apart' or 'taking a break from the relationship', or any of those concepts - they only work when there are no strings. Period.

Absolutely!!!

 

[Jazela]

It's zero problem for me, as I don't have sex unless in a committed relationship and also can't even think of someone else that way when I'm in love.

That hurt to hear as I would think that as in love with me as he claims to be (and as I believe him to be), I feel like it's a bit loose to be entertaining the idea of casual sex when the girl you say you love and want to commit your life to is back on the radar. So this has led me to conclude one of two things: He's either implying he wants sexual freedom, or he's trying to play his cards right to get me to commit right now. I'm really confused and upset and don't know how to handle this situation.

Those 2 things might be valid for someone who doesn't have sex unless in a committed relationship, and can't even think of someone else that way when they're in love.

They're total bullshit, however, for someone who has casual sex (to any degree; including sex with friends -aka people you love platonically, not romantically- & sex as a sport -people one doesn't have any feelings for whatsoever- as two extremes on the spectrum), or who can be completely and madly in love with one person, but can still very easily think of other people on sexual terms.

So, if he's just like you, maybe he's jerking you around.

But he doesn't sound like you. He sounds pretty honest; it would be hard, but he could do it. That makes perfect sense to me.

Maybe try turning the question around if you can't wrap your mind around sex outside of a relationship? Is there anything in life that would be hard, but you could do it? Not eating anything sweet for several months, maybe? No chocolate, no "healthy" deserts, nothing indulgent? Or maybe getting up 2 hours early and going for a run, regardless of weather, if you normally bliss out sleeping in? Or something else? Something that, if asked of you you could do it, but it would honestly be difficult. No cheating. No birthday/wedding cake at an event you didn't plan on when you agreed. No sleeping in because you were out late for a shindig or medical emergency. Absolutely no excuses, freebies, or slip ups.

You might say sex is totally different than cheesecake or exercise! ... But for many of us? It's really not. It's a component of a relationship, the same way that 100 other things are a component of a relationship. And also outside of a relationship. If I'm in a relationship I'll only be having sex or dancing with 1 man. If I'm not in a relationship I may well be having sex or going out dancing with many men. It's not what defines the relationship, or why I love them, or how I love them.

To completely cut sex out of my life? Is a really, really big deal. Is there anything in your life that you do both while in and out of a relationship that cutting it out entirely would be a big deal?

 

[Elivo]

^^^^ THAT is the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard in my life. OP please ignore the above poster!

 

[Oru]

^^^^ THAT is the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard in my life. !

Then you must have lead a very sheltered life, as casual sex is hardly an uncommon phenomenon.

 

[Utew]

^^^^ THAT is the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard in my life. OP please ignore the above poster!

Please OP, do not ignore that post.

As a trauma survivor it's hurtful to read stuff like this.

Kind of like when I see purity ring BS and want to scream at the top of my lungs!

I have to leave this thread now.

And I hope that judgmental person follows through and leaves the forum for good. That attitude has no place in a healing forum.

 

[Otohu]

I hope "Elivo" was just having a REALLY bad day! He/she is entitled to an opinion, of course. But that went way beyond an opinion. An opinion would be more like "Wow Elivo! In my opinion, that sounds like something a narrow minded, judgemental bitch might say. Of course, I don't know you, and maybe that's not an accurate characterization, but that's sure what it sounded like to me."

I don't know that I want them to leave. They MIGHT learn something if they stick around.

As for the original question. Seems to be one is either in an committed relationship or one is not. If you're not, when you have sex and with who, under what circumstances is up to each party separately, because there's no commitment..