Should I ask my dad what he's doing for Thanksgiving or just spend it alone?

[scout86]

Can you imagine the worst child tantraum going on in your own head?

Honestly? No, I can't imagine it. Which is one of the reasons I'm afraid my input might not be very helpful.

If I have an "inner child" at all, she's the kind of kid who would look around, think "THIS isn't working very well!" and leave without so much as a backward glance. Seriously, a lot of my favorite books, as kid, were about kids living without any adults their lives. So, I really can't imagine caring whether a parent was around or not. Not right or wrong, just different.

I've been thinking about this this morning though. You were diagnosed with bpd. I'm not sure I believe that's exactly a real thing either, but it IS a collection traits that's been given a label. Suppose we consider the possibility that this inner child of yours already has some borderline-ish traits? So she already has problems with things like regulating emotions? Maybe she even has trouble understand what emotions ARE? How would you, the adult you, handle that? Because, to me at least, the whole point of this inner child stuff is to find a way for those "parts" to get comfortable living the world as it exists now.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You were diagnosed with bpd.

Yeah, though my therapist is about a second away from dropping it because it was diagnosed before he knew of my trauma. He says it was the best answer at the time but when you add trauma, PTSD answers it all. Even the emotional instability. Most especially since when we dig at "BPD symptoms" and at the end of them all, we are finding a hyper arrousal, PTSD, things.

But, I know what you are saying and it stands nonetheless since I do exhibt emotional instability. And, yes, all 4 of my parts have severe emotional insability. I think it is the reason why I do in general. My lash outs are my parts effecting how I act. A lash out, specificlly, is a different part (the protector) but just an example. Remember when I advised I was having blind rage explosions where all I saw was red and had no idea what I was doing or saying until it was over? My parts and a time where I had amensia. Very close to DID but DID requires that to be a normal thing and it's not.

How would you, the adult y

I'm not sure. Maybe it's why I really loved the movie Inside Out? It helped to teach emotions in simple, child-like terms? If I had a child always lashing out I would first try to find out what was causing it. Are they being hurt? Are they hurting emotionally. Is something upsetting them? That would start with a very calm (when they are calm) sit down talk. But, I can't do that with this specific part as "she's" never calm. When she's not throwing tantrums, she is in severe fear huddled in a dark corner and not accessable to me. "She" is very much how I was at 6 yrs old. And it's almost like "she's" still back there. I honestly don't even know how to talk to them. I mean, I have multi-person conversations with myself but they talk when they want to. They don't listen when they don't want to as well. I'm not sure how to control them.

Beyond that, if the child is having tantraums and they aren't being hurt or are unhappy or whatever, I would maybe have them watch something like Inside Out or read a child's book about emotions. You know, Joy in the movie really irritated me. Not just because she was annoying but it went beyond that. I don't even know what joy is to be honest.

And I would talk to them about bad behavior and why it's not ok to throw tantraums. But, like I said, I am not even sure how to carry a calm convo with "her". When not in the forefront "she's" hiding in the dark and isn't accessible to me.

It's so hard to explain. We are already working on this in therapy but no therapy this week which REALLY sucks!

 

[NaeNae75]

Well, that's sort of hard to explain but I have come to realize (though not diagnosed as my therapist seems to be steering away from a diagnosis for some reason and advising that the therapy is the same nonetheless) that the DSM5 identifies this as OSDD1, formally DDNOS1. I fall more in line with OSDD1b specifclly, because of the lack of amensia though I have had amenisa a few times so I think I may sort of go back and forth between the two but more with OSDD1b.

I have parts and disocciate deeply so, this "inner child" is truely a seperated part in my head. So, it's like DID in that aspect, without the switching between them. These parts come to the foreground when they want to. This "inner child" (who is about age 6) comes to the foreground, I feel young, I act young, I think young, and today had a very hard time quieting her so I could work. So, had a hard time being an adult today. Usually I can push "her" back a little to work but, today was much harder then usual.

I hope it's ok to post this. I found this article online that may help explain it a bit better: Comparing OSDD-1 and DID



I posted about this in another thread. Parenting is basiclly loving your child, right? Loving would include caring for their physical, emotional, psychological (and other) needs, right? Well, what is love? I have to figure that out in order to "re-parent" that part (and there are 4 total parts. That one is just the one I have the most connection with). I have to figure out how one would love their child before I'd have any chance of "re-parenting" this part. And, my therapist says that would kick start the grieving process and start to merge the parts together. Which is why I posted a thread about love.

Anyway, not really off topic since we are talking about family and this part is super foreground at the moment. People on here post all the time about giving their inner child what they need but I cannot seem to do that. "She" screams non-stop and nothing I do seems to help. Netflix and stuff only serves to distract. "She" is screaming for a "mommy" and "daddy" and I cannot seem to figure out how to be that for "her". Any ideas would be amazingly helpful. I have tried toys (legos are a favorite but doesn't really soothe "her".

Edited to add: Sorry, hit "post" accidently.

Anyway, ideas would helpful. I also tried coloring books and stuff and that doesn't work either. There are some "young stuff" that does but it's a bit embarrasing to post about (though I have spoken about it before like a teddy bear at night type of thing) but that only serves to help to quiet "her" at night to help me sleep.



Yeah, but it's different for me. I can't control when these parts pop up in the foreground so I guess that's where the struggle is. Quieting them. I dunno. So hard to explain.

I've been trying to figure this out too. My answer is to observe my granddaughter and when I babysit her, we do literally anything "safe" she wants. We explore, we dance around while we clean up, I make her feel safe and loved by taking the time ti listen ti her needs and meet them. Some times, she needs to be soothed, but redirected when having a tantrum or not being safe. That's part of parenting too. I speak with her quietly and gently and stroke her hair or rub her back when she's upset. I feed her healthy food and cuddle with her. I ensure she's safe and warm and loved. I teach her how to do things and I read to her.

I'm learning a lot.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My answer is to observe my granddaughter and when I babysit her, we do literally anything "safe" she wants. We explore, we dance around while we clean up, I make her feel safe and loved by taking the time ti listen ti her needs and meet them. Some times, she needs to be soothed, but redirected when having a tantrum or not being safe. That's part of parenting too. I speak with her quietly and gently and stroke her hair or rub her back when she's upset. I feed her healthy food and cuddle with her. I ensure she's safe and warm and loved. I teach her how to do things and I read to her.

A lot of this I can't do. Partly because it's a mental part and not a real tiny human and partly (mostly) due to not having access to do so. But there is a part in here where I'm wondering if I am not doing and maybe it's that wall I've been speaking of. Listening. I try. I do. But, now that I think back, I was giving this part a way to speak...on here. A long time ago. One of which I don't even remember writing, which was a poem I believe was called "The Wounded Child". Now that I think back, tantraums and the screaming was less back then. I assumed that it had gotten worse due to living and being 100% alone for the first time since being in therapy and my dad leaving was what caused me to be 100% alone and him being the last family member left to leave. But, what if it's because I stopped "her" outlet. "Her" voice? Stopped listening to "her"?

I go through these cycles where the forum feels not safe to me and I isolate from the forum for a while. I am coming back from that currently so I don't know if I could do it today but I'll try that soon and see if giving "her", "her" voice back calms "her".

Thank you!

 

[scout86]

But, I can't do that with this specific part as "she's" never calm.

I'm not really surprised by that. At that age, you were dealing with a lot of stuff kids that age shouldn't have to deal with. And it probably wasn't safe to have major tantrums, was it?

I'm not sure what you do with this either. There are probably web sites around about parenting kids with that sort of problem. Because there ARE kids who have those kinds of problems. A bunch of them are in foster care and, somehow, people have to be able to try to bring them back to a better place. (I know that doesn't always happen, but sometimes it does.) So, I wonder if researching that would give you any insight?

I've spent a lot of my life working with horses who have people problems. Where I start is to convince them that 1) They aren't actually getting hurt, no matter how unhappy they are with the situation and 2) I'm not going away, no matter how big a fit they might chose to throw . I suspect you start in about the same place with kids. Maybe even with adults.

I don't know that I'd say I actually like the movie Inside Out, but it was totally fascinating. Parts of it were a bit disturbing. And Joy was usually REALLY annoying. LOL

I'll try that soon and see if giving "her", "her" voice back calms "her".

That makes a lot of sense. Good luck with it!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

And it probably wasn't safe to have major tantrums, was it?

Oh no! Nothing but absolute obbdience to anything they threw my way was allowed and punished by torture. So, no. It wasn't safe to even speak let alone have a tantrum.

1) They aren't actually getting hurt, no matter how unhappy they are with the situation and 2) I'm not going away, no matter how big a fit they might chose to throw .

I'm only struggling with this stuff because I don't seem to have access to. My parts talk when "they" want to (each popping into the foreground when "they" want to without any abilty to control it) but I've not really been taught how to access to talk back. If that makes sense. It's sort of a one way road at this point. I've tried and that road seems to have a roadblock. It's frustrating but, I guess it's good that when I learn stuff, so do "they". This is why stuff like DBT will work in general. When I apply it to my life, it works for them too (to an extent). Until we get to something like a holiday (or trauma-versies. Or major life stress...etc). Then it seems to be a one way chaos. But, I am hoping that letting "them" have a voice again will open those channels. It's worth a try.

I often wonder if those with DID have this issue as well with their systems. I mean, the only thing that seems to seperate OSDD1 and DID is the alter switch and the lack of amensia (it seems). Since I have found out about OSDD1, I have been researching (a lot) and it's so simular to DID except that one thing (the alter switch with usual amensia), which is a requirement in the DID criteria. Maybe I will post another thread for those with DID about this. Cause this all would be so much easier if I could actually talk to my parts. But, for the time being, it's a one way road. Uncontroled.

 

[shimmerz]

I have parts that switch. It takes quite a bit of time working with those parts before they are - idk - control-able? I am going to suggest that if you have a reactive part like this that you feel will be triggered up on the holiday - that you not even think about spending Thanksgiving with your father. It could well make things worse between you and he but more importantly it puts you at risk, you know? I wish you all the best regardless of what you decide though. I just want to see you making that decision with your eyes wide open.

 

[Justmehere]

And I would talk to them about bad behavior and why it's not ok to throw tantraums. But, like I said, I am not even sure how to carry a calm convo with "her". When not in the forefront "she's" hiding in the dark and isn't accessible to me.

Maybe try writing her/you a letter.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I am going to suggest that if you have a reactive part like this that you feel will be triggered up on the holiday - that you not even think about spending Thanksgiving with your father. It could well make things worse between you and he but more importantly it puts you at risk, you know? I wish you all the best regardless of what you decide though. I just want to see you making that decision with your eyes wide open.

I didn't. I spent it alone And for Christmas, I am currently on the schedule to work but that can very well change. I don't plan on connecting him then either that'll come with its own set of chanellges.

@Justmehere, I can certantly try!