Childhood Should I End Relationship With My Mother

[Adrian2016]

Hello,
Should I or have any of you cut ties with abusive parents to avoid triggering or further trauma? What results have you taken away from this and was it helpful/hurtful.

I am a new member to the forum. Diagnosed PTSD two weeks ago. I am currently going to weekly therapy and will be seeing my primary for blood tests (to see if any physical problems are also present) and possibly medication this Thursday.

I have only had 2 therapy sessions so far and the cause of my PTSD is complex I believe pertaining to the many causes some of which are still ongoing throughout my life. However, in particular my abusive and neglectful childhood is I know a major theme of my trauma and possibly the most impactful trauma.

So my question..my mom is a good lady at heart but has been criminally neglectful and emotionally abusive my entire life. She also has PTSD from her abusive husband, my stepfather, who also contributed greatly to my abusive childhood and my trauma. Every time I go see her I am reminded of all the pain and suffering that happened to me in her care. It hurts to see that she continues to put my younger siblings through the same experience and seemingly never learns from her mistakes. She just repeats the same patterns over and over. She has also taken up a nasty addiction to crystal meth, which I have never used and have a special hatred and disgust for as it is a terrible dangerous and nasty drug. She has recently gotten her newest boyfriend since her divorce to my stepdad. They are all the same. Losers, druggies, molesters undercover, bums, users, and abusers. It angers me so much that she continually makes me and my younger siblings relive our trauma over and over. I am at a point where I need to heal and face this PTSD head on before it kills me.

Is it time for me to end this relationship or do I need to face this head on? What experience do you have?

Please share..
God bless

 

[scout86]

It's probably going to be helpful to tackle this with help from your therapist. But here's a thought, in most states, I think I therapist is going to be required to report a situation like a meth addict with children in the home. And rightly so. I think I'd start by explaining the situation to your therapist, for the sake of your younger siblings.

For yourself....... sometimes the best thing you can do is cut off contact, sometimes the best thing is to limit it. It kind of depends. In my own case, my T recommended I try to restrict contact with my mother to "in writing" as much as possible. That was pretty helpful. It was EXTREMELY helpful to be able to run stuff past him and be able to ask "what do I do about THIS?!"

It's a process. LOL But rest assured, you aren't alone.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I just quit speaking or having anything to do with my dad, mom is dead and now dad is dead but it was so worth it. The things you have described in your mom sounds really bad and if I were you I would cut off all contact right away and it is a huge mess I know. But get out while you are so fresh in therapy now.

 

[Adrian2016]

It's probably going to be helpful to tackle this with help from your therapist. But here's a thought, i...

Yes only one sibling is still in the home(she is 17 legally an adult so that's why she is allowed essentially)as Child Protective Services removed the rest for the 2nd time. Currently looking like she will lose custody permanently this time, which is heartbreaking as they will be sent most likely to their father, my stepfather, who it is known neglected and emotionally,physically, and sexually abused everyone of us in one way at least. So niether option is a good one for my siblings and I fear they may develop the same disorder...only so much I can do...

 

[Adrian2016]

I appreciate both of your responses as with mother's day( i sent a text) I feel guilty for missing it and my PCP is in her town so I was thinking of seeing her when I went to my apt. That was before I found out today about her new bf. I will be addressing with my T but thats not until next week. I think I will for now discontinue all contact. Maybe just letters with no return address once I move. Just makes me feel guilty. I do love her.

 

[scout86]

only so much I can do...

True. But I'm sure it's also pretty hard to live with.

Maybe one of the best things you can do for them is stay in touch with THEM as much as you can and be a good example as you can. Even with your mother. You can do your best to make it clear that you DO love her, but that, as long as her situation is as unhealthy as it is, you need to maintain some distance.

Don't feel guilty! And, if you want to see her, maybe you can pick a neutral, safe location and meet up for lunch or something.

I'm glad you're in therapy and really wish you well. Your mother's lucky to have you, whether she gets that or not!

 

[Broken Dahlia]

Hi Adrian- I have not officially gone no contact with my parents, but I try to limit it now. I only interact with them when I am not as symptomatic. I managed to call my mother for mother's day which surprised us both I think. Two weeks ago I would not have made that call because it would have made me too sick. I also prepared for the call, reminding myself that any number of outcomes were possible. During the call I kept the conversation on track, reminding both of us that I was calling because it was mother's day when the conversation started to veer into dangerous territory. It went well but it has taken me years to get to this point and I think I would have improved more if I had cut all contact with them years ago. My younger siblings have also kept me enmeshed with my parents, but they are adults now so I am letting myself off the hook for them- they are choosing to stay.
When I started therapy I got sober to really reap the benefits; my therapist suggested I also take a break from my mother. She saw a bigger difference when I quit my mother than when I quit the booze. Now I only take my mother in very small doses, with long breaks in between.I also don't go to their house anymore- I don't like to be on her turf.
It is okay for you to take a break from family and focus on your health and yourself right now- take care.

 

[Adrian2016]

True. But I'm sure it's also pretty hard to live with.

Maybe one of the best things you can do for the...

It is extremely hard...more than the pain I've felt over all this the biggest pain I have is for them and all they still face. It's a powerless feeling..our child protective services in this country are lacking...that is great advice though regarding my siblings, and something I need to improve on...thank you for your kind words...glad to be among those who can relate, and praying that healing will come to evryone on this forum including you bc I KNOW...your journeys are unfair and painful but please know that your experiences help others like me to heal and progress...even through all the pain...that makes you all special to me

 

[Adrian2016]

Hi Adrian- I have not officially gone no contact with my parents, but I try to limit it now. I on...

thank you

 

[Powder]

You can prevent the children from going anywhere harmful by working with the social worker/case workers proactively. I believe you will find a better solution for them, and this will make you feel much, much better about all your decisions.

I suspect you are much more wonderful a person than you currently realize because of how hard life has been on you.

Believe in yourself and you'll see what I mean.

Keep the contact what you need it to be for you to feel well and have less symptoms. So do what's best for you so you can be strong for them.

I'd back everything you say up as coming from a good place, and a strong person all told.

You are looking for validation here. But all your ideas are already good ones. It really depends on your needs.

I am a proponent of total clean breaks for 'me' because of how easily manipulated I have been. As I learn better techniques of self-management around manipulators, I won't need this level.

For my abusers, I needed total no contact. Most T's, when they see the parents have been gaslighting the child their whole life, want clients to have the spine to do this, too, in order to get healthy boundaries.

I'd talk to the T about it. You owe nothing to the parent. That is a myth. If they are hurting their kids, you owe less than nothing to them. They are lucky you haven't harmed them back. You cannot be a good son/daughter to a false/abusive parent. They have no excuses.

 

[Adrian2016]

You can prevent the children from going anywhere harmful by working with the social worker/case workers pro...

Thank you...I will be talking to her next week and taking a break from her until then! I really appreciate you taking the time to lend a helping hand :)

 

[seedling]

or do I need to face this head on?

I think going no contact is just as much facing it head on as continuing to see her.
From what I've read here, it's not easy to go no contact. It's a challenge to break away from an abuser. To feel that you deserve more and don't need to take care of their needs anymore.

All the best!