General Should I Stay With No Contact

[Sammy97]

Hi All,

Fairly new to the world of forums but feeling at a bit lost at the moment and would be greatful of any advice.

I have been seeing this guy on and off for the past year. For the first few months everything was fine but then he started to cancel a lot and then one day when we had plans he just dissapeared for a week without a word. I was really annoyed with this so just put it down to he was a player. However a week after he dissapeared he contacted me and told me he had been away as he needed to get his head sorted, that there was so much going on and that he was in love with me wanted to marry me and just didn't know how to handle things. Anyway we meet up and he was really reluctant to talk so I didnt push it but he kept telling me that he loved me and wanted it all with me. A few days after this I then get a message saying with everything that is going on he cant give me what he wants. I try to contact him but get no response so I decide to try and move on again.

However a few weeks after he calls and asks me to meet him as he needs to talk to me, we meet but again he refuses to talk and all he can say is he needed to sort is head out and that he thinks the world of me but doesn't know what he wants. I agreed it would be best we just be friends so we kept in contact and he would still send me messages saying he loved but if we ever tired to make plans to meet it would just never happen.

Anyway a few weeks ago we bump into each other and again he asks me to meet him as he needs to talk to me but I was sick of the game playing so refused. So he told me that he has been an idiot and cant explain why he acts the way he does but he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. He then goes on to tell me he had been diagnosed with PTSD and had seen a therapist and had been seeing a counsellor and was feeling better. He said he hadn't told anyone and hadn't told me as he was embarassed, he asked if I would give our relationship another go and I agreed because I do love him.

Things were great for a few weeks he talked about us moving in together and that he wanted to get married and have a family. There were times he was cold so I didn't push him and just gave him some space. He was always reluctant to stay over but as he had told me he had been having flashbacks, nightmares and trouble sleeping I put it down to that as he would get a bit aggitated and say he needed to go as he wouldn't sleep if he stayed. I would speak to him most days and he would always say how he had been up since the early hours so would end up sleeping during the day.

The other week we went out with his family so I could finally meet them and he kept telling me how serious he was about us. However the next day I get a call from him telling me he is deleting my number and doesn't want me in his life and that I have to move on as he will keep doing this to me. I didn't handle this call very well as I was upset and in shock so we ended things on very bad terms which is really upsetting me.

I have made no contact since as I am not sure if hearing from me will make things worse. I am no expert in PTSD but spoke to a doctor friend of mine who said that he will try and push me away. Is this what he is doing?

I am so confused right now the day before his call he was planning a future with me but that night he did say that his feelings for me never change but some days he sees it all happening other days he doesn' and he can't explain what happens but all I need to know is that he does love me. I know he is in denial about his PTSD and has refused to talk to me about it since he told me about his diagnosis so I never pushed him to talk.

Should i drop him a message and tell him I am sorry how I handled the call and that I do love him and am here if he needs me or am I best just leaving him. I just hate the fact things ended on bad terms and the thought of never seeing him again is really hard.

I just feel so confused right now so any advice would be really appreciated.

Thanks
x

 

[intothelight]

Hi Sammy97,

If this relationship is really one you want to continue, I wouldn't suggest rushing anything. To move in together or get married may just be "too much" for the sufferer.

See where he is at and then learn as much as you can. Find ways to help yourself if you plan on continuing the relationship. You'll need to learn things as a couple, especially boundaries since this disorder takes a huge toll on relationships.

Wishing you the best.

ITL

 

[lovinbiker]

HI Sammy,

Firstly I read your post and see soo many similarities to my situation. Me and my other half ( cos to me she is) are currently seperated.

I am no expert on ptsd but can say everything he has done is exactly the same as my gf did to me. Firstly I will say this is not your fault you have done nothing wrong remember that. Yes you will tell me now that you handled his call badly and maybe you did maybe you didnt but if he hasnt spoken to you fully about his condition then its understandable.

Him saying he loves you is exactly what I was told whilst she was saying to me that its over and that she doesnt want to see me again. I was lucky enough to get to speak to my other half after she said that to me, I mutually let her finish it with me on a gf bf front.She said to me that she cannot get better unless she can only focus on herself, A wise memeber here said to me `like when a bear goes into the woods to heal on its own`

Now I wouldnt doubt he loves you as you do him just at the moment its stress he cant deal with. Im sure anyone on here will tell you that too much of either good or bad stress is bad for a ptsd sufferer.

This is purely my opinion but if you still see a future with him ( will be hard work and a real rollercoaster). I would maybe send him a message saying that you are reading up on ptsd and that if he needs you anytime, even just as a friend your always there for him.

If you need someone to talk to please message me I would be happy to talk about any questions you have, i dont have all the answers but i am in a similar position to you.

You take good care of yourself

LB