Relationship Should I Wait Or Give Up?

[Angel Doll]

Hi Everyone! I am new to this forum as of today :) If anyone has any insight or advice, I would more than appreciate it.

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, friends for 4 years and living together for about 1 year now. We have a dog together and a nice apartment which we both LOVE. BF has PTSD from losing both parents very very suddenly as a young child (Dad left in middle of the night and a few years later Mom died in car accident). Our relationship has extreme highs and lows because of bf's mood swings, although I'm not sure he is aware how extreme his moods can be and how irritable he can be (even though I have talked to him about it). One day he will ask me to go ring shopping, yet days later say NO he is not taking me and he is VERY unsure what he wants. As a mostly stable minded individual, you can imagine this is driving me crazy!

He IS currently seeking therapy. For some time was in talk therapy, which he didn't think helped much, but is now seeing a PTSD specialist, which he really believes could be the one to heal him. In addition, I am reading up on PTSD and how to cope being in a relationship like this and have a therapist of my own who has a background mostly in trauma.

My main problem is-do I wait and if so, for how long? He has only made broken promises to me so far. I'm afraid it could take him many many years to "heal" to the point of being ready for marriage and kids. His current PTSD therapist advised him to make no major life decisions until he has his PTSD under control. (He is afraid to have kids because of his horrible childhood of losing both parents and is afraid if he weren't a good parent he would create a hellish life for a child, like he is experiencing.) He (as of today and this changes on a daily basis) is scared to have kids and I definitely want them.

I'm 31 going on 32. I don't know if I should wait then lessen my chance of being able to have children.

Anyone with any advice-please help!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My heart goes out to you. This is a very tough call. I am happy to hear that you both are in therapy.

It is up to you if you love him enough to wait. If you do not have it in you, then exercise your option to leave and to start over with someone else.

This is a very difficult thing you are going through.There are not guarantees in this one.


If he does not want to get married and have a family it seems that you will have to say goodby to him. I understand that you will have a painful time of it either way. I really feel for you in your dilemna. Hugs and hoping it all works out for you the best and all of your dreams come through.

 

[Bilby]

Hi Angel Doll, welcome to the forum :)

I'm really pleased to hear that you have a therapist for yourself - well done :)

The PTSD Relationship is a very good resource as well - I can highly recommend this book (fairly cheap to download if you have a Kindle). It is probably worth your while reading it and also asking your BF if he would have a read of it as well.

Your boyfriend seeing a PTSD specialist is excellent news - my husband is seeing a psychiatrist who specialises in PTSD also and it was the best thing he has ever done.

I can understand what your boyfriend's PTSD therapist has said to him, in relation to life-changing decisions. I can tell you that the birth of our son did take a bit of an emotional toll on my husband, but it was also one of the major reasons for him seeking the help he really needs. The other thing was that our relationship had deteriorated significantly, with incredibly poor communication between us. So I guess you could say that I do see your point, but I can also see why your boyfriend's PTSD specialist has made that statement.

I think, unfortunately, this is a decision only you can make - only you know how long you feel that you can wait - it's not something I feel like I can really advise you on. Perhaps as a starting point, you and your boyfriend could perhaps work on some smaller goals together and see if they are achievable (I noted your comment about broken promises). Perhaps this may help your relationship somewhat, and during that time, along with his treatment, he may be in a better place to say to you what he feels his future holds?

Good luck :)

B x

 

[Angel Doll]

Thank you so much for offering your own experiences and insights. I feel so much better knowing other people out there actually understand. I have decided to wait for now, but also to focus on myself more so that in the event the relationship won't work out-I won't fall apart. Thanks again xoxoxoxo

 

[Joseph_PDX]

He IS currently seeking therapy. For some time was in talk therapy, which he didn't think helped much, but is now seeing a PTSD specialist, which he really believes could be the one to heal him. In addition, I am reading up on PTSD and how to cope being in a relationship like this and have a therapist of my own who has a background mostly in trauma.

My $.02 would be that if a person you love is actively working and choosing to do what they can to fix themselves then that is a person worth investing in. The fact that you've fallen in love with him in the first place shows that he, even in his current state, has qualities that for you make him worth being around. To me the real question is "Are they a sinker or a swimmer?"

My ExGF in the end proved to be a sinker. She chose to avoid working on our relationship or her issues and actually went out of her way to sabatage our friendship. That was her choice. So I moved on.

Your man on the other hand sounds like a swimmer. I'd give him more time. Wait a bit to see if his feelings about having children evolve or whether they stay fairly fixed. Being 34 (almost 35 ...hehehe) myself I have a similar age perspective as you and I'm not sure that the age thing should be that urgent for you yet. Another year or so of living together and his working through therapy will give you a great basis for how married life would look like.

Wish you the best Angel!

Joseph

 

[Nicolette]

Anyone with any advice-please help!

I don't have any advice but its taken 6 years to have an almost 'normal' husband nearly all of the time... and he was working on himself before I met him. I think everyone is different though depending on so many varying factors.

My opinion - do what you think is best for you. Unfortunately women have biological clocks. I have seen my husband have children due to his Ex's age but don't believe for one second he should have had children now I know what I do. Coping with me in his life is enough at times - let alone the children who are more demanding, and rightly so. Please note I am not saying I don't love my step children, but I am saying given all the factors I think children was a wrong step in my now husband's scheme of things with his illness. We chose not to have a child together and while initially unsure I am glad we did as I believe that we wouldn't still be together if we had. My point is the factors you need to consider are not only time but long term ability to cope with the stressors children can bring....... that being something none of us can answer for you.

Good luck with whatever you decide.