Should I Walk Away From My Family?

[zombie squirrel]

I apologize for the length, but this is really bothering me.

My sister has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and PTSD. In high school, she often acted in very self-destructive and manipulative ways. For example, there were a couple of occasions in which my parents did something she didn't like and she overdosed on pills (maybe not entirely, but at least partially) to get back at them. As a result, they were afraid to do anything that might upset her, even if it was trying to help her. This resulted in them pretending not to notice her behavior (having orgies and wild parties with drugs in our house, destroying other people's belongings when she was angry with them, spreading negative rumors about friends and family members, etc.) and enabling her for several years.

She finally found a good therapist this past year and has made enormous progress. She's gone back to college, has a supportive group of friends, has a boyfriend who really loves and accepts her, and generally handles her problems in much healthier ways. I'm really glad to see that she's finally happy and doing well. I know she must have put a lot of effort into getting to this point, and I respect her for it.

However, I've been very depressed over the past few months. I have PTSD too, but I haven't told my family because I don't think they would believe me. A lot of negative things have happened in my life in the past year, and lately it's been a huge effort for me just to get out of bed. I've found that it's also been very hard to deal with my sister. Although she's made a lot of progress, she still gets very upset when things don't go her way. I try to stay away from her when I'm in a bad mood (to avoid causing conflict), but there have been several instances where I couldn't avoid her and we got into arguments. I try to stay calm when this happens, but a couple of times I lost my temper and really yelled at her. I felt awful afterwards and apologized profusely, but she evidently hasn't gotten over it.

She still has a habit of manipulating people. Lately she has decided (because of these arguments) that she doesn't like me anymore, and has been spreading rumors amongst my family members and friends of the family to make me look violent and dangerous. For example, if she gets angry and breaks something, she will tell my family that I did it. Recently she spread a rumor that I was driving drunk (which is a lie). This wouldn't bother me so much if my family didn't believe her. Now almost everyone in my family talks to me as if they're afraid I might lose it and punch them. My dad recently called my phone and left me a message exclaiming, "This has to stop!" He later acted relieved when I told him I might be moving.

I try not to let my family see that I'm struggling, because they are all under a lot of stress too. I'm trying to build a sort of support system, but they aren't really included. It seems that my problems have been showing more than I want them to, and it's been detrimental to my sister's recovery. I can see that I am affecting her in a negative way.

Because of this (and honestly because I'm tired of being treated like a psychotic killer) I'm thinking about distancing myself from my family. I don't know whether it would be better to keep a loose connection with them or cut them out of my life completely. I'm very conflicted because I feel like I should be there for my sister, but at the same time I think that I'm doing more harm than good. Does anyone have any suggestions or advice?

 

[ericaboo]

Something I did a long time ago was told my family that I wouldn't tolerate any more lies or the support of lies. I cut them off temporarily. I put in a boundary that - when the lies start - I disappear. When the lies stop, I reappear. It worked for a very long time.

Now - My Mom is starting to have these senior moments where she violates the rules we have set up to be able to have a relationship - like certain topics we will not discuss. Also my brother's mental health is deterioriating, possibly due to schizophrenia. So... I may have to set up some new boundaries. I have begun to back off, and they are hurt and don't know why, so it may be time for another "talk."

Even if they won't listen when you are saying it to them, someone told me a saying: "Listen to me now, hear me later.". It takes time for people to process things, and if they care about having you in their life, they will eventually have to respect the boundaries you set. But you have to stick to the boundaries or they won't work.

I don't mean to sound like I know anything about your family - but that's been the method I've used, and it has allowed me to continue to have some kind of relationship with them - which I do value... they are a sick bunch, but I still love them.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

I think it's healthy to have boundaries. You have every right to make these decisions regarding establishing boundaries with your family. Do you have a therapist? Speak to your therapist about establishing appropriate boundaries with your family.

Everyone is different, Severing all ties completely may not be necessary if you establish boundaries that are comfortable to you. Take charge of when, where, why, and how you communicate with each member of your family, on your own terms.

Hope this helps

 

[just me here]

I can empathize with the situation you are in, but I am just as torn up over trying to make the right choices as it sounds like you are. I am 50, and have made the cut between myself and family members many different times over the years, sometimes I was surprised at how right the decision was immediately after saying goodbye, and other times I have had misgivings and doubts for years about the decision.

It is so different when it is a friend or a neighbor or a coworker, the big goodbye is not as life altering as it is when it is a family member or members you are having to seperate from. I wish I could offer any advice, but I don't feel right in recommending it or trying to get you to stay and work things out, all I can say is that in my life, the family members that were causing actual physical injury or causing health threat level stress for me or my family are the ones I don't miss or regret separating from.

Does that help?

 

[Philippa]

It really helped to read your reply ericaboo.

I've had to distance myself for the same reasons. My parents keep twisting the story and covering up their own bad behavior by telling my brothers things I did or said to make me look bad...and they have turned them both against me, and I have been attacked by both of them now...quite viciously, using humiliation tactics publically in front of their friends, to guilt and shame me, by bringing up things I did in the past...like 20 YEARS in the past, that weren't even bad, but something I wrote in my own diary, which dad read and lied about how he ended up reading his grown daughters diary from when she was 16.

They all take his side, and mums as well, and I have not had contact for over a year now...apart from sending my mother an e-card today because I could not stand the pain anymore...and felt terrible, like I was a bad person...like they all think I am now for cutting them off.

I can totally relate to what you are going through, though it's in a different scenario of course.

I like the idea of placing boundaries saying where I draw the line. I didn't say anything like that to dad a year ago, only that it was unacceptable for him to go through my personal journal and then lie about how he got there, AND tell me it's ME who is "damaging the relationship", on top of all that...all because I called him on it and said I wouldn't stand for it. That somehow makes ME the bad guy??

Mine don't even acknowledge that any sort of boundary has been violated though...they think I'M the manipulative one who lies and is f*cked up. My brother attacked me a few weeks ago and told me I was "one f*cked up bitch" for writing in my own diary when I was 16 (over 20 years ago) that I just 'knew' something had happened to my brother, and that dad was somehow involved, though I had no proof, which is why I wrote it in my diary, because I had no one I could tell who wouldn't just laugh in my face.

My father used to hang out with a convicted pedo, and BRAGGED about it to us all on occasions...and never did anything to dob him into the police, but actually believed the boys liked it because they accepted his gifts...and they think I'M the f*cked up one??:confused:

Zombie Squirrel, it sounds like you care a lot about your family and your sister, and have a good appreciation of her even though she is behaving this way, so I think you need to do what is best for you right now, though it is a tricky situation if they already believe her and not you! I don't know how I would deal with that, but it's good you have some support at least.

Do your friends believe you and know what's going on?

 

[Philippa]

the computer is playing up, so this message I deleted.

 

[Srain]

This is a tough and personal decision. For me it's been one I've dealt with since I was 16 (younger since I was a chronic run-a-way as child). I've spent years back and forth with this on mother and younger brother. The longest was my oldest brother until I discovered he had PTSD and suffered even more severely than I did. I had spoken with several times over the past couple of years but lately even more.

There are plenty of issues to go around with these three but he is one that doesn't play any guilt games, doesn't try to make me responsible for something I'm not and doesn't use me for therapy and then try to make me wrong for it. I think the thing is he doesn't jump boundaries with me like my younger brother and mother do.

My mother plays these strange "we are so close, I'll always be there for you" then snags that love away when I'm not doing well. My brother wants to unburden himself from her so he will be my brother IF I promise to do the "family thing". If I fail on either front the I must be the "same old problem"! What?? Like I was when I was 15??? That was decades ago! It gets old quick!

I have cut friendships that expect me to be the same as I was 30 years ago as well. I have changed, life changes, I cannot be who you think I am in order for you to be here. It's the line, cross over it ...we have to separate.

I have a clear understanding with my some of family that I have challenges and may always have them, deal with it if you want to be around me BECAUSE I AM TRYING, or don't and stay away.

There is nothing easy about this but it is simple. Plus, it never has to be permanent.

Good luck
Peace,
Rain

 

[FireDancer85]

Family is a tough one.

The thing I try to keep in mind when dealing with my parents is... despite being a military aerospace engineer (rocket scientist) and a combat field nurse with UN relief missions under their belts.... They were both grossly incompetent at seeing what was right in front of them in their own toxic behaviors to my brother and I, and their actions basically sent up a flare to attract dangerous people into our lives when they were too otherwise absorbed to look out for & take care of my brother and I.

Aesop has this fable about a frog and a scorpion trying to cross a river...(Any guesses as to what happened to the frog?) What I got from that is that you can never really forget what an animal's nature is once you recognize them for what they are.

Smart people have egos to match them, and hate believing they were wrong.
Lying manipulators will continue to Lie and manipulate unless they consciously force themselves not to...
and Brutes will continue to be Brutes until they see fit to be something different.

It's horrible that some people can't even see these traits in themselves because it's in their self-awareness blindspot. It's worse when those people are aware and persist in acting like that anyways and, it's downright unbearable when these people are people you HAVE to deal with on a day to day basis.

Do what you have to do to protect yourself.

Figure out what you need to be safe and focused on your path to healing. Source other forms of support, like this forum, community resources, or a friend you can trust. Remember, you're in the driver's seat when it comes to choosing who you want in your life, family or not.

-FD

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi,
Everyone had such good things to say. They shared out of their personal experience. I have had to cut off contact with my dad and he died this year. I just felt weird about it, I did'nt feel sad or cry. He was too toxic to talk to without messing me up. He said if he had it to do over, he would do the same exact thing. He beat me, he molested me. he was a psychological abuser and was always messing with my mind. I was abused in many different ways. That is what made me the perfect victim. I was groomed to be the perfect victim.

I was naive, gullible, no common sense at all, and very vulnerable and desperately needy. My mom was killed in a plane crash when I was 19 yrs. old. I am 58 now.

I have one brother I have nothing to do with. He started a rumor about me that was very damaging. I have phone contact minimal with one sister. She is very toxic. I have had to cut them out of my life many times.There was no way I could raise my family and keep in contact with my family of origin.

I am the only one that got into recovery. There were times I let them back into my life, and it was because I missed them so much. But it was always very crazymaking and they brought out the worst in me. Very triggering. I have many regrets. I am amzed at how many people have had tocut the family out of their life.

I hate being ganged up on. I hate not being believed or supported or validated. There was alot of gossip and triangling. I was messed up for so many years in my life.

I have phone contact with my sister and it is very short phone calls. I am not ready to go and see her.

I wish you well on what you choose to do. I really can only speak out of my own experience. Some families are healthier than others. I think where there are good boundries and respect and can keep a confidence, then there is hope.

Well I do not know if this helped or hurt, I hope it helped. Please know you are not alone. Take care in whatever you do decide. Taking time outs from them is a good thing to do. Then it isn't permenent.

 

[Philippa]

It amazes me as well, just how many people have cut off from their blood relatives. I know some online who aren't from this forum as well. It's phenomenal how crazy families can get to the point where you actually have to divorce them in a sense, just to survive!

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

I have been contemplating writing on this thread for a few days now and still unsure whether I should be here but I thought that I would anyway.

I made the heartbreaking decision to leave my family 5 months ago. It wasn't planned or organised, I just couldn't get through another sexual assault so I just left with a bag of clothes. I had dreamed about it for years and years. No commuication, they do not know where I am living.

I know that I had to do it for me...but if I am being honest with you - it has probably been the hardest thing I have done throughout my life. It is something that I struggle with every minute of the day. The physical bruises are no longer there but I still have so much work to do on everything else.

My problem is that I have no support system - not one person. I have my non-verbal, disabled brother but my parents moved him so I don't have any idea where he is - so I don't have him either. My support system is my Mental Health team.

If it is something that you decide is the best for your OWN health then as difficult and painful as it will be - you need to do it. Just be prepared for the emotional rollercoaster - that has probably been my downfall (I wasn't prepared and am suffering as a consequence).

I am thinking of you and wish you all the best. Dig deep and find the strength that YOU need to make the right decision for YOU. Sorry for hijacking your thread, feel free to ignore some or all of what I have written.

 

[cjf2010]

I have distanced myself from my family when they "act up" in the past few years. It has helped and although we still struggle with boundaries, I think it has helped with our relationships. My children have been learning that they can't use and abuse me and still have me in their daily lifes, and I'm learning that I can't enable their bad behavior and that I need to think about my own health before I do others. If you aren't healthy mentally or physically, how can you be there for the people you love when they actually do need your help?!