Sigh.. Boyfriends And Sexting

[The Albatross]

He's avoiding shame and not taking responsibility for his own actions. It is a poor attempt at retaliation... instead of communication and problem solving. Just calling it like I see it.

 

[Selena5473]

He told me he didn't see his sexting as cheating. He said it's the same as watching porn for him. However, this girl as I found out last night, is his old friends with benefits from back home. He has HAD SEX with her before. It is not just watching porn, or indulging in a fantasy. That would be like me calling my ex and engaging in a sexual conversation with him. I explained this to him, to which he just apologized more profusely and explained he would never go as far as to physically cheat on me. He did own up to his mistakes, and we did talk about it. I just feel like I'm still the one in the wrong. I guess it will just take some self-talk on my part to move over this big speedbump. It couldn't have happened at a worse time, holidays are supposed to be about happiness, love, family. Our baby is due at the end of December, and I just want her to be born into love not resentment. I am trying my very hardest to let it go, I think it will take a very very long time.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I totally agree with Albatross. If it even *is* retaliation because for a cheater...any excuse will do. Sounds like he is a grand passively-aggressive manipulator who is quite ready to scapegoat.

...and they'll keep coming up with them until one 'sticks' to the betrayed lover's psyche and gets them off the hook until the next time.

You've got to speak to a T. about this for your safety and peace of mind...and for the sake of your child. There's a good chance he's cheated in more than just sexting, and if so, you are at grave health risk...and so is your baby. Best to tell your OB as well that it is a possibility so they can run some tests to be sure you are both ok.

Time to call your local women's shelter and at least find out some options. Even if you do nothing with the info...having that ready if only for the security of knowing it's out there can be helpful.

 

[The Albatross]

You drop the ball now, you're opening the door for sexting "not being cheating" later.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Why are you trying to 'let this go?'

Why is 'letting go' better than holding him accountable?

What are you gaining by 'letting it go'? What are you risking by acting on this, being checked for STDs, finding out your options for getting out of this relationship or at least getting some space to heal?

That is a defensive structure called 'minimizing'...and put you at risk for re-victimization over and over.

This is NOT something to 'let go' of when your health, baby are at risk.

Looking the other way does not give your baby a 'loving and supportive environment'...just a fake one that in no way addresses the problems and sets you up for much greater heartache and risk down the road.

Please take care of you and your baby. Don't accept his lies and rationalizations just to hold up a false view of a relationship that is NOT nearly good enough for you. A healthy, loving partner would NEVER act like this with a pregnant partner. Maybe he will be willing to work towards that but...don't stop getting healthier waiting for him to do so.

Let him catch up with YOU.

 

[Selena5473]

He told me that his biggest problem with me, and even more so after this incident, is that I don't put up a fight even when he wants me too. I have become very good at letting things roll off my back and saying "it's ok" or "don't worry about it" or apologizing for things I know I have not done. He also has ptsd, but from combat in Iraq. Our feelings and emotions are very different, and we handle them in very different ways. I think he believes I should be more like him in the problem solving aspect, but I will never be that way.

 

[The Albatross]

My own husband didn't, that I know of, exchange video with another woman... but he did do online chant and porn and defended it to the end... til I told him he goes to our pastor and agrees to counseling or he doesn't come home. Decide for yourself what is "acceptible" for you, I did that... and set a boundary now.

 

[Selena5473]

I have been tested for STD's, I believe about three weeks ago. Everything came back fine (it is routine for this trimester in pregnancy.) If I ever did contract one though, I would just die. For me, forgetting something bad ever happened is the easiest way to heal, instead of stirring up the dirt on the bottom of the pool.

 

[The Albatross]

Sounds like a big load of BS to me. But if he want's a fight... call BS and tell him what he did was cheating and it's unacceptable.

 

[Selena5473]

He told me he knows I'm not stupid, and that he should have never done it in the first place. I am trying to not defend him, but I feel as though what I needed to do has been done, and now I just need to deal with the turmoil within myself =[

 

[BloomInWinter]

He told me that his biggest problem with me, and even more so after this incident, is that I don't put up a fight

Interesting. So, he'd be ok with you putting up a fight now? What does that mean? Physically?

...what's your biggest problem(s) with him? Is he doing any work on addressing those?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Good for you for asking yourself these very hard questions...painful as they are. You are to be commended for facing this head-on rather than just running away.

You have MUCH to be proud of.

 

[The Albatross]

Selena it's up to you, what you are willing to risk or live with... but honey, the way this is playing out... I can certainly say he is doing all he can to avoid his personal responsibility and you, don't need or deserve that. Take some time to self reflect, and ask yourself why you feel this is the partner who you deserve. You can choose to let it go... but are you going to be able to move forward with trust and confidence? Take it to your T,.