Sigh.. Boyfriends And Sexting

[The Albatross]

Pain avoidance... is teaching people how to treat us.

 

[Selena5473]

He said that because everytime he would ask me a question I would just shake my head yes for example " I care about you do you understand that?" or "I can never tell you how sorry I am , do you believe me?" and he said he hates how I just agree with him for the sake of agreeing . Which is true, I do often times agree with people to move on to the next question and get it over with. I have never had any previous problems with him before this. He treats me well, treats my sons like they were his own. Provides for me, gives me anything I could ever ask for. Maybe that is why I am so quick to let him off the hook. I have never experienced love and respect from any man other than my father.

 

[BloomInWinter]

He told me he knows I'm not stupid, and that he should have never done it in the first place. I am trying to not defend him, but I feel as though what I needed to do has been done, and now I just need to deal with the turmoil within myself =[

You are defending him...but I don't read you defending yourself at all. I don't see anywhere you are treating yourself with compassion and respect.

So...you're saying it's not his behavior or his words but your feelings that are wrong?

Hmmmm.....he's really won. He can continue along doing what he was, since there's apparently no consequence, and you'll punish yourself for him. Wow. Win-win, for him.

I'm sorry you have been put so low you feel this is ok.

...been there too many times myself. Not with sexting, but I grew up in a household with a Dad who did this to my Mom over, and over, and over. It's a horrible environment to grow up in.

Please, do NOT accept this 'better than nothing' relationship dynamic as it stands...if not for yourself, for your baby.

 

[Marie E.]

Please take care of your cildren and yourself, I don't wish to see your man esculate!

 

[Selena5473]

I will speak to my T about this, but I'm sure it will come as a shock to her also as I am always talking him up and explaining how much of a solid rock he is in my life.

 

[Selena5473]

Thank you guys for being there for me. I have not talked about this with ANYONE. I don't feel safe talking to anyone close to me about it, everybody loves him and I dont want them to see him as an adulterous jerk. <3

 

[The Albatross]

You're a young woman... I'm 51. I'm not saying to make it a battle royale... I am though, sayin' set the boundary and keep the conversaton going until he accepts personal responsibility for a violation of trust. But, hey... it's your life... and what you do with it is up to you. If you don't make the message loud and clear that this is unacceptable, and he doesn't acknowledge it... you're setting yourself up for heartache down the line. He needs to man up.

 

[The Albatross]

He's most likely far from a jerk... considering he treated you well, accepts your children... doubtless there are a lot of wonderful things. Just bothered by the lack of personal responsibility... too much excuse making... it isn't ringing true, it's ringing scapegoating.

 

[The Albatross]

Selena... you're being very gracious... hugs for (((You)))

 

[BloomInWinter]

forgetting something bad ever happened is the easiest way to heal, instead of stirring up the dirt on the bottom of the pool.

I totally understand that! 'Forgive and forget'...'turn the other cheek'...those are mantras abusers take advantage of. ...and I forgot whole decades. It's a coping strategy that allowed us to survive in childhood when we were trapped and couldn't get away.

But it's not a long-term strategy that will allow you to keep yourself and your children safe, because the way people treat us over the long term defines our relationship with them...and should alter the type/amount of trust given.

Him 'saying' he loves you and would never hurt you is NOT backed up by his actions. There is cognitive dissonance here. On HIS part. He's got a LOT of work to do to earn back your trust.

What he did IS cheating. Just because he doesn't consider it cheating...well, there's a point of discussion, there. If it's a problem for YOU, then it IS a problem in your relationship. ...and you do NOT have to give ground on that point.

...and I doubt your T. will be shocked. In fact...I bet she'll nod her head and be thinking... "Good! She's starting to value herself as a person deserving of respect!"

Good work! I'm so glad you're going to discuss it with your T.

This may be hard...but it will lay the groundwork for a much healthier you, and consequently, healthier relationships down the road.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Thank you guys for being there for me. I have not talked about this with ANYONE. I don't feel safe talking to anyone close to me about it, everybody loves him and I dont want them to see him as an adulterous jerk. <3

Hmmmm....abusers count on our silence to continue their abuse. So do cheaters.
...and they count on isolating their victims. You MUST find someone to discuss this with to be able to process your feelings safely. You deserve that support.

He must have good points or he wouldn't have you! But...that doesn't mean you have to let the hurtful behavior slide.

 

[The Albatross]

God Bloom and Marie... aren't we jaded skeptics? Nothing like having the bloom of the rose, eh? Selena you've been very kind to indulge in dialogue with this damaged, old woman. Best wishes for you and your family, honey... I get a bit rabid when I see the potential for this kind of relational issue... guess it hit too close to home.