Sinking And Dragging Others With Me

[Vee Lagrome]

Hi, all. I have struggled with complex ptsd, major depression, and acute stress for my entire adult life, been hospitalized, been on medication, and have attempted suicide 4 times. It's a struggle to get through the impulses and it never gets better. When I was hospitalized, I saw it tear my husband apart. He just isn't the same anymore. Before that, he was hopeful that I was getting better, but I crumbled so quickly so suddenly. He seems so agitated and frustrated with me sometimes (and who can blame him?) and I've basically pulled out of the marriage because I don't think he can handle all of this baggage. His family knew I had some psychological problems, but they only recently found out what it was exactly. My own family has found out about the multiple attempts at suicide, and I feel horrible. I just feel this incredible guilt because I often feel as though I can't hold it together and I'm dragging people down because they don't understand me. I never talk about my feelings and I never tell anyone when something's wrong, which is why this came as a huge shock to most people in my family. I have a hard time controlling my suicidal impulses and the only motivator that seems to work for me is that I don't want to go back to the hospital.

Sorry for the long post, but I hope to get to know some of you who are going through similar things, because I would like to feel less like a freak of nature (which is exactly how I feel now that I've been "exposed" to everyone in my life, even though it was mostly my choice to do so). Thanks.

 

[Greg Clark]

Hi Vee ... yes, I understand. We have very similar backgrounds and I can sympathize with your frustration. I don't know why I get those feeling and I wish I didn't, and like you, I feel horrible for having them and just wish they would stay away. I have a great family and I can't understand why I get such an awful sense of self-hatred sometimes. I think it must be an illness because everyone always tells me what a nice person I am, but most of the time, I can't see it. It's annoying and exhausting!

 

[anni]

Hi Vee,

I read your diary also. I'm terribly impressed with your ability to have gotten through so much writing of years- so clearly. It's a rotten, rotten fact that yours isn't singular here, so perhaps you can clearly see you're of course no freak. This sort of thing should be such an anomaly it makes national, screaming news, Unfortunately-bespeaking the abysmal state of what-mankind or society or whatever- it is not, but fortunately you're not alone with this-certainly no freak nor or others similarly wounded through no 'fault' of their own.

It's not my own past, but wished to at least say welcome to the forum. I do know there are others here who share yyour struggle, as you've seen already. When you have the energy and time, there are excellent articles by way of a sort of library on the home page- sort of a condensed index of pretty much an across the board PTSD related subjects as well as a Wiki in process. One can generally count on good, solid, no-nonsense content there, too. For me, sometimes having plain old facts is as helpful as anything else with this, although it does sound like you're very well-informed.

I do hope you find it helpful here as you find some path towards healing, and others to share it with. Do take care.

Anni

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Greg- Thank you for sharing. :)

Anni - Yes, finding this forum has made me feel a thousand times less of a freak. Like many of the other people on the forum, I have read a good deal of material on PTSD, but I will definitely poke through and see what has been linked on here. Thank you. :)

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Vee, welcome to the forum. Have a read through the articles section.

I've found such support, friendship and understanding since joining here. I hope you will find the same.

Take care
KP

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Hi Vee,
I can understand your struggles with people knowing everything now. I just got married the end of August and by middle of October I was in the hospital. My husband and I have been together 4.5 years and he knew i suffered from major depression but he didn't know how bad it could get. For the 4.5 years we were together, I had never had a debilitating bout of depression- until a month and a half after we got married. I was in hospital for 3 months. In the beginning we were hopeful, thought it would help. But by about week three, he was getting very upset with me and with the system because I was not improving. I then came off of meds that I had been on for close to 6 years and the serotonin withdrawal made me a very ugly person. I feel as though my husband sees me now in a very different light. I feel as though he doesn't love me like he used to, but how could he? After all I don't feel like the same person I was before this hospitalization. It was in the hospital that I was diagnosed with PTSD. And it wasn't until coming off my meds that I ever showed any anger. I had felt mild anger and sometimes a lot of anger at times in my life but I never ever expressed it. People have seen a different side of me since the removal of the meds. And no one likes that side of me! Everyone wants me to be the old me, the one that lets people walk all over me. People don't like that I speak up now and voice my anger. I find lately too that I am very moody and irritable. I can go from treating my husband normally to angry and hostile in minutes and I can't control it! I am so bitter with him because he doesn't understand me and what I am dealing with and he refuses to educate himself about it. He says knowing what I am dealing with will not help him. I really just feel like we don't know each other anymore. I'm only 29 and have only been married 6 months and I don't want to give up my marriage. But if I'm not who I used to be, and if I don't know who I am anymore than how can I expect him to love me still?

I feel for you Vee, and I do hope you make it through this. I too struggle with the suicidal urges every minute of every day and it is very tiring. I hope you can find something that brings you some peace, even if only for a few minutes at a time.Thinking of you.

 

[Vee Lagrome]

KP - Thank you :)

Butterfly - I just want to start off by saying I think the butterfly is an excellent choice of an avatar for this forum since it symbolizes rebirth and change, which I hope we both find. It is oddly comforting in a way that we seem to be going through such similar problems. I've been married a little over a year and my mother and my mother-in-law have recently started reading furiously about PTSD because they want to help, but my husband doesn't seem very interested. It's difficult because he seems embarrassed by my impulsiveness and does a lot of lip service about wanting to help, but he has said things that just sting because it shows that he thinks I'm a liability or something. "I'm trying to cut you some slack because I know you can't control yourself."

Thank you for sharing, Butterfly. It is comforting to know that someone understands EXACTLY what I am dealing with. I know what you mean about coming off of meds. I always seem to forget just how bad it is off my meds, and when I'm off my meds, I don't realize how bad I've gotten. It's good you are aware of when you're acting up. I know being self-aware and being able to reflect on your emotions is helpful for getting better and I hope to develop that in time. I know that the both of us will find a lot of support on this forum, and just seeing so many people with similar stories being able to share and even joke about it makes me feel so much more hopeful. I wish you luck too, Butterfly! Stay strong!