Orglethorp
Not Active
I live on my own, but most weekends / holidays my boyfriend and I are together for days at a time, so we end up sharing a bed quite often. I'm not at all new to sleeping with another person, be they someone who knows all about my PTSD or otherwise, but I was about 3 years out of practice before Peter came into my life, and I've grown and changed a lot in my PTSD walk in that time. In some ways, it is new.
Anyway, with the exception of occasions when I've encountered a very bad trigger, my worst panic/dissociation/flashback episodes occur at night, almost always either as I'm falling asleep or shortly after I've fallen asleep. I usually know as much as a few hours before bed that it's going to happen, and so far I haven't found a way to prevent it. There also doesn't seem to be a consistent pattern that leads up to these - I can't single out reasons for at least half - but if I'm in pain it's much more likely to happen. Sometimes it'll be just one night and then I'm fine for weeks, and other times it'll happen 2 or 3 days in a row.
The thing is, I've noticed that these episodes are different when I'm sleeping with Peter, and a little more frequent. He's so patient when it happens. He'll hold me and talk me through it, even if he was already exhausted and I've woken him up for the second night in a row. He always says the right things, reacts in the best way and lets me direct him when I'm able to communicate what I need. When I apologize (I feel compelled to every time it happens, but I also like to check in on it the next day, when we're all awake and happy), he insists that it's alright, he doesn't mind, and he's not going anywhere.
I'm so afraid that I'm hurting our relationship, despite what he says. I know that's probably just me and my issues, being so used to the people I care about leaving and the people I've trusted in the past telling me to hide my symptoms, but I can't help it, and that fear always makes the episodes worse. I also think about how these happen more frequently with Peter, and I start to worry that maybe some part of me hopes it will happen when he's there. I don't know why, though. I also know that the frequency is probably a combination of being triggered by not being alone and also not being so guarded because I trust him so much.
When I'm alone, if I feel something coming on as I'm falling asleep, I do what I can to deal with it. I pray, I get up and read, I kill time playing card games or mine sweeper on the computer, or I call my family if it's not too late just to have someone to talk to (timezone differences work in my favour, in this case). I don't go to bed until I feel that I can. If I didn't know it was coming, or was too tired to care, and I wake up like that, then I let myself express whatever emotion I'm feeling at the moment until I run out of steam and fall back to sleep. If I'm being woken up by nightmares or flashbacks (body memories, in particular), and I'm alone, it'll often happen several times in the night, and I certainly won't feel rested in the morning, but I fall back to sleep quickly each time. I rarely panic to an extreme or completely dissociate.
Now switch to sleeping with Peter. If it starts before we go to bed, then that's one thing. We deal with it and then we go to bed. Most of the time, though, it hits as I'm falling asleep, or within about an hour of falling asleep. Peter falls asleep faster than I do, so I almost always end up waking him. I get really fidgety, and that's what he notices. Like I said before, I don't know if it's because sleeping with someone else is triggering me, or if it's because of how much I trust him, but I slip into panic or dissociation quickly. I fade in and out of that, depending on how much he's interacting with me, what other symptoms I'm experiencing and whether or not either of us accidentally triggers me further. I'm usually relaxed and present enough to reply to him at some points, while others I'm completely unable to respond, and I'm rarely able to actually tell him specifically what's going on, but I can always hear him. It's usually over with 15-20 minutes, though it has lasted over an hour, and it rarely happens more than once in a night, but even 15 minutes is longer than it would take me to fall back asleep while sleeping alone.
So in short, I'm confused. Does anyone else have experiences like this?
It bothers me that these episodes are different/longer when I'm sleeping with Peter than when I'm sleeping alone.
Anyway, with the exception of occasions when I've encountered a very bad trigger, my worst panic/dissociation/flashback episodes occur at night, almost always either as I'm falling asleep or shortly after I've fallen asleep. I usually know as much as a few hours before bed that it's going to happen, and so far I haven't found a way to prevent it. There also doesn't seem to be a consistent pattern that leads up to these - I can't single out reasons for at least half - but if I'm in pain it's much more likely to happen. Sometimes it'll be just one night and then I'm fine for weeks, and other times it'll happen 2 or 3 days in a row.
The thing is, I've noticed that these episodes are different when I'm sleeping with Peter, and a little more frequent. He's so patient when it happens. He'll hold me and talk me through it, even if he was already exhausted and I've woken him up for the second night in a row. He always says the right things, reacts in the best way and lets me direct him when I'm able to communicate what I need. When I apologize (I feel compelled to every time it happens, but I also like to check in on it the next day, when we're all awake and happy), he insists that it's alright, he doesn't mind, and he's not going anywhere.
I'm so afraid that I'm hurting our relationship, despite what he says. I know that's probably just me and my issues, being so used to the people I care about leaving and the people I've trusted in the past telling me to hide my symptoms, but I can't help it, and that fear always makes the episodes worse. I also think about how these happen more frequently with Peter, and I start to worry that maybe some part of me hopes it will happen when he's there. I don't know why, though. I also know that the frequency is probably a combination of being triggered by not being alone and also not being so guarded because I trust him so much.
When I'm alone, if I feel something coming on as I'm falling asleep, I do what I can to deal with it. I pray, I get up and read, I kill time playing card games or mine sweeper on the computer, or I call my family if it's not too late just to have someone to talk to (timezone differences work in my favour, in this case). I don't go to bed until I feel that I can. If I didn't know it was coming, or was too tired to care, and I wake up like that, then I let myself express whatever emotion I'm feeling at the moment until I run out of steam and fall back to sleep. If I'm being woken up by nightmares or flashbacks (body memories, in particular), and I'm alone, it'll often happen several times in the night, and I certainly won't feel rested in the morning, but I fall back to sleep quickly each time. I rarely panic to an extreme or completely dissociate.
Now switch to sleeping with Peter. If it starts before we go to bed, then that's one thing. We deal with it and then we go to bed. Most of the time, though, it hits as I'm falling asleep, or within about an hour of falling asleep. Peter falls asleep faster than I do, so I almost always end up waking him. I get really fidgety, and that's what he notices. Like I said before, I don't know if it's because sleeping with someone else is triggering me, or if it's because of how much I trust him, but I slip into panic or dissociation quickly. I fade in and out of that, depending on how much he's interacting with me, what other symptoms I'm experiencing and whether or not either of us accidentally triggers me further. I'm usually relaxed and present enough to reply to him at some points, while others I'm completely unable to respond, and I'm rarely able to actually tell him specifically what's going on, but I can always hear him. It's usually over with 15-20 minutes, though it has lasted over an hour, and it rarely happens more than once in a night, but even 15 minutes is longer than it would take me to fall back asleep while sleeping alone.
So in short, I'm confused. Does anyone else have experiences like this?
It bothers me that these episodes are different/longer when I'm sleeping with Peter than when I'm sleeping alone.
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