General Snuck Up Upon

[LAA]

Ugh, Not sure how this happened or really when. I just realized today though that I am not handling D being in inpatient treatment well at all. I am feeling shaky and short of breath, like I am seconds from a panic attack.

I know a lot of it is my own stupid fears of abandonment and maybe the emotions of the last 3 weeks (or really 3 months) coming out, but I don't like it. I haven't heard from D since Wednesday. Not sure when he is "allowed" to call or if that is a privilege that can be taken away? If so, what happened that he hasn't called, is he ok? Does he just not want to call? Ugh.

Last I heard from him, he was expecting us to visit on SUnday (tomorrow). Asked for a watch and his guitar which Dr said he can have. Surely someone would think to let me know if I am not welcome right now for some reason? It is a 2 hour drive and time off work for me...and add in that the kids are excited. I may lose it if I drive down there and can't see him.

I know I'm going against everything I always try to do like not reading into things (which for me always means assuming the worst). Going to make myself get us to church this evening although I REALLY don't feel like going anywhere until I HAVE to go to work tomorrow at 0600.

I am not liking any of this right now.

 

[ISupportHer]

I know from personal experience that it is hard when your spouse/partner is in an inpatient treatment or hospitalized. It can be very isolating.

I imagine a private inpatient setting is different but there was an ability to call in, limited by their schedule. They would not interrupt a session, for example.

By now, you have already gone. Was it anything like you imagined? How did the kids do? It must be hard for them.

ISH

 

[LAA]

Hi ISH,

Thanks so much for asking, It actually is very nice there, resort like so that helps him a bit with the feelings he has of confinement. I guess it was pretty close to what I expected. I think the one thing neither of us expected was how pretty much everyone else there has drug and alcohol problems as well. D does not struggle in that area and never has.( I knew he needed a lot more help than he was getting when he came home after a stressful situation, couldn't reach me on the phone-I was working- and drank 2 glasses of something, I don't even know what, WITH his meds.) He had never done anything like that. The center is not exclusively PTSD, I think there are only a few other there with it right now and he is the only one with police/military stuff going on. He does have other traumas from childhood too so he can relate to them.

He is getting a lot of therapy he has never had but has been surprised to have to deal with the stuff from childhood too. I always know that figured in, but he has not recognized it, so it has kinda thrown him. He has had a lot of ups and downs. He can call me at certain times if the phone is free but can't get in-coming calls. (Hmmm, I just realized if something happens to me in the line of duty while he is there, will anyone think of letting him know?)

I am actually a bit stressed about the week I have to be there though (08/21-25). I have been through EMDR to deal with some events in my life, but I have never been in a group setting. I am trying be positive. I am not a very good "in person" people person, if that makes sense.

The kids loved seeing D, they really miss him. We were able to stay and eat dinner so they got to spend a bit of time. They have been drawing and writing to him too. My parents and ex in laws (actually very nice people and very apologetic and remorseful for what their son did to me) have been great spending extra time with the kids too, to try to distract them a bit.

I know all things considered, we are actually vey Blessed...it is nice to be able to take a breath and realize for a moment.

 

[ISupportHer]

Great hearing all this. Wonderful that he not only has this program as an option but agrees to do it. As you know, this is huge.

My experience has been only with locked hospital wards. Sounds quite different.

And I do get the "in person" people person thing. :) I am probably similar when it comes to all this.

ISH

 

[LAA]

Thanks ISH! I know that the touchy feely people aversion thing has to do with the Autism gene in my family :eek:. I know I can do it...it's a learned behavior for me, though, not natural. Kinda like having to be onstage all the time. A week of that is going to stress me but my husband needs me so I WILL do it. My oldest son, who is diagnosed high functioning is actually kind of amused at my rantings to him. I should make him go too for that! (Just kidding-the reason I can handle D's PTSD meltdowns is that I have dealt with Autistic meltdowns for 20 yrs, don't possibly need both at same time! LOL)

The center has some similarities to the lockdown he has been in before; no aeresols, books(other than approved), razors, certain clothing only allowed, no phones, limited contact. It is just all kind of cushioned in a relaxed, definately less sterile environment. Thankfully he is aggreable. Only bad thing is he COULD check out Against Medical Advice. Don't think it happens too often though as I am sure they are accustomed to handling that.