EvenStrongerNow
Diamond Member
Hi,
I'm 27. My mother was a meth addict for the first 12 years of my life. She divorced my father when I was 3 or 4, remarred twice, 2 very abusive men. I ended up in foster homes a lot because of her second husband. I remember fighting a lot when I was that little. I mean, like speaking up for myself, knowing that what was going on wasn't right. I was conscious of that even then. The fight continued with my mom's third husband. He was a drunk, abusive physically, emotionally, verbally, psychologically. My mother stopped being a mom when I was about 13. It was like she just went to sleep. The things that went on at home didn't stop until I was old enough to tell him that if he ever touched me again, I would kill him. I was 17 then. My mother called the cops on me because I was on top of him choking him. I once tried to tell on him to the cops before that, he went to jail, but at the court hearing, my mother talked me into changing my mind about telling on him. I think that's where I stopped fighting for myself too. Relationship after relationship, I went through with either abusive, drug/alcohol addicted, or emotionally unavailable men. Then, I ended up marrying a person with ASPD. I was with him for 2.5 years. I finally left in January of this year after landing in the witness relocation program with him. He lied about his entire life; told me he was a CIA agent when I met him. My entire life with him was all a lie. I lived in his reality.
This is the short version of course. I just enrolled in the community college to study Psych. My plan is to get a Masters. I knew that if I didn't start working on myself now, my dreams could never be accomplished. So, I found a therapist. I've had about 3 sessions with her. It is depth psychotherapy. So far, it has helped me immensely. I do believe I am suffering with PTSD. The nightmares are horrible, the not being able to go to sleep at night, the health issues, the depression, the not wanting to live sometimes because the emotions are overwhelming, the flashbacks, reliving the trauma as though it were present when it's not, etc etc. I have a boyfriend now, GREAT guy. We have been friends for 5 years. He is SO patient and VERY understanding. It's weird to actually have someone that loves me back. It's weird to have someone who is trustworthy.
Here I am. I'm glad I found you guys. Talking about this stuff is VERY hard. The therapy is great, but when I get home, I don't know how to deal with the feelings I have, the memories being triggered, reliving the trauma, etc. I know I just started and from what I've read, it gets worse before getting better. I just ordered one of the books you recommend here: I Can't Get Over It
I feel so lost, so confused, so yucky, so incredibly alone, so afraid that my boyfriend is going to abandon me. I know this stuff is common. It's just SO hard. Realizing all of this stuff about myself is SO hard. It's SO SO SO hard. I lay awake at night crying a lot, I can't get motivated to do anything really. I mean, most days I can make myself go and fight through the depression, but that's only because my boyfriend is with me. If he weren't, I'd be an even bigger mess. Last night, I cried hard because I felt the feeling of not wanting to live anymore. I would never be suicidal, I just want to feel better, and those thoughts are scary. I used to be so full of life, so ambitious. What happened to me??
I need to find a support group, but I don't know how. Can you tell me how or should I wait for the book to read that information?
Thanks for listening.
I'm 27. My mother was a meth addict for the first 12 years of my life. She divorced my father when I was 3 or 4, remarred twice, 2 very abusive men. I ended up in foster homes a lot because of her second husband. I remember fighting a lot when I was that little. I mean, like speaking up for myself, knowing that what was going on wasn't right. I was conscious of that even then. The fight continued with my mom's third husband. He was a drunk, abusive physically, emotionally, verbally, psychologically. My mother stopped being a mom when I was about 13. It was like she just went to sleep. The things that went on at home didn't stop until I was old enough to tell him that if he ever touched me again, I would kill him. I was 17 then. My mother called the cops on me because I was on top of him choking him. I once tried to tell on him to the cops before that, he went to jail, but at the court hearing, my mother talked me into changing my mind about telling on him. I think that's where I stopped fighting for myself too. Relationship after relationship, I went through with either abusive, drug/alcohol addicted, or emotionally unavailable men. Then, I ended up marrying a person with ASPD. I was with him for 2.5 years. I finally left in January of this year after landing in the witness relocation program with him. He lied about his entire life; told me he was a CIA agent when I met him. My entire life with him was all a lie. I lived in his reality.
This is the short version of course. I just enrolled in the community college to study Psych. My plan is to get a Masters. I knew that if I didn't start working on myself now, my dreams could never be accomplished. So, I found a therapist. I've had about 3 sessions with her. It is depth psychotherapy. So far, it has helped me immensely. I do believe I am suffering with PTSD. The nightmares are horrible, the not being able to go to sleep at night, the health issues, the depression, the not wanting to live sometimes because the emotions are overwhelming, the flashbacks, reliving the trauma as though it were present when it's not, etc etc. I have a boyfriend now, GREAT guy. We have been friends for 5 years. He is SO patient and VERY understanding. It's weird to actually have someone that loves me back. It's weird to have someone who is trustworthy.
Here I am. I'm glad I found you guys. Talking about this stuff is VERY hard. The therapy is great, but when I get home, I don't know how to deal with the feelings I have, the memories being triggered, reliving the trauma, etc. I know I just started and from what I've read, it gets worse before getting better. I just ordered one of the books you recommend here: I Can't Get Over It
I feel so lost, so confused, so yucky, so incredibly alone, so afraid that my boyfriend is going to abandon me. I know this stuff is common. It's just SO hard. Realizing all of this stuff about myself is SO hard. It's SO SO SO hard. I lay awake at night crying a lot, I can't get motivated to do anything really. I mean, most days I can make myself go and fight through the depression, but that's only because my boyfriend is with me. If he weren't, I'd be an even bigger mess. Last night, I cried hard because I felt the feeling of not wanting to live anymore. I would never be suicidal, I just want to feel better, and those thoughts are scary. I used to be so full of life, so ambitious. What happened to me??
I need to find a support group, but I don't know how. Can you tell me how or should I wait for the book to read that information?
Thanks for listening.
