So I Found The Tiger Inside Me

[winterose]

I normally avoid all types of confrontational things. I do not like seeing violence nor being around stupid people who need to incite how much cooler they are. I have a friend, who I care for dearly. We have been friends for a longtime and he himself have seen changes in this world I will never be able to comprehend myself. He is a Korean War Vet. Anyway, going to the mailbox, we had some gangster types hanging out. So they proceeded to say the n word to my friend. I saw the hurt in his face, briefly. When we were coming back one of the jerks decided to come closer by now yelling the word. I had enough and said hey, that's not a nice word. And you should know that because I am pretty sure someone has used your race to say stupid shit.

At this point my brain is like, why did you say anything. And another part said protect my friend. Well idiot decided to get in my face screaming. The rest is like a dream kinda. All I know is I punched him full in the jaw. I was angry about what he said about my friend and now more pissed off he is in my face yelling at me. I snapped. My brain said oh hell no I am not letting another man touch me like this again. Well, I had no idea I had that in me at all. Kind of stayed in a daze the rest of the day. I am not going to repeat it again, and honestly when I see them out I wait until they go whereever, to get my stuff done outside I need to. But at the sametime I am almost proud of myself I stood up for myself. And at the sametime I am also pissed off at myself because I know better then to open my mouth at stupid people.

 

[JarHed]

You can't fix stupid, but kudos on the punch in the face he needed that. Sadly, some people only know how to be violent and will always seek that as an answer to everything. I like your avatar.

JarHed

 

[winterose]

Thanks JarHed. That is a huge step for me to stay present in a conflict that bad, to even open my mouth, or even try to defend myself. On the upside it helped me push through anxiety when I'm out. I am looking foreword to the day when it feels more comfortable being out and about again. Especially without the constant hyper checks.

 

[JarHed]

Anxiety is one of the wonderful things that PTSD gives us. Probably the best thing is to do that which would make you anxious on a regular basis so that you become more desensitized to it. I have hyper-alertness, from combat, so I know what you mean about the constant checks. It has gotten better with going out and being in places that would normally cause me to be hyper. You have to work at it but it can get better and more manageable.

 

[winterose]

I have. I get out more then I ever have. I have a regular routine but I've mixed it up a little by adding one small thing a week to do outside about every 4 weeks. I gone from being able to be out for 15 minutes to 3 hours now by myself. Past 3 hours then I start to get exhausted. I also reward myself for getting out. Usually a romp out in the desert doing donuts in the dirt. Or I go see the horses and groom them or something like that. I been going falconry hunting with a master level so I can get my apprenticeship. Thanks for the incite. It was validation to what I am trying to do even when I am still insecure about things.

 

[JarHed]

I'm glad to hear you are getting out and doing some interesting things as well. No matter how secure some people seem, very, very few are completely secure and they're probably out of balance with their egos(arrogance), perhaps. We all feel insecure at times. It's doing those things that we need to do that help us.

 

[WillyKat]

Good for you!

But I'm curious. What happened after you punched him?

 

[winterose]

He went down. Then we walked to my house and waited for the cops to show, which they never did. Seems he was a bit embarrassed about a female knocking him down. His sister actually said her brother can be a jerk. She let me know there wouldn't be any trouble for me further. I did end up having to get a wrist brace on and soaking my hand in ice for the night. My friend Joe is now making jokes about it on various levels. (sigh)

 

[WillyKat]

Awesome! Though I'm not sure I'd believe that he won't be any further trouble.

Take care.

Note to self: don't mess with winterrose.

 

[winterose]

WillyKat, I am always cautious. Turnip truck has long been gone...:laugh: