So I Used To Be A Wiccan... So What?

[BloomInWinter]

Forgiving ourselves for the most painful stuff we feel isn't the place to begin the journey.

It's actually a habit that requires far more frequent but lower doses of accepting ourselves as we are, only human....and to stop setting higher expectations of ourselves than we do of others.

It's when I drop my keys in the parking lot and instead of saying to myself 'way to go, fata$$ clumsy cow!' and choosing to say instead 'oh, I dropped my keys. I think I'll pick them up. Silly me."

It's when I speak to a group and stutter. Instead of saying "Great work, dummy! Why didn't you keep your big mouth shut? Why didn't you speak clearly! They're all thinking you're a dumba$$!!' and instead, 'Well, that went mostly ok. Many people fear speaking up at all. Way to recover your composure!'

It's burning the pie crust and not saying to myself 'way to go, dummy! You're a terrible cook...mom....wife...human being' and instead 'oh well...they can eat it as it is, and if they don't like it, they can make their own.'

Two years of CBT & DBT later, the compassionate thoughts throughout the day are much easier. ...and the toxic hostile specters of my abusers just aren't all that comfortable in my head, unless under a lot of stress.

...and the shame I still feel about the worst things has dulled from a gory ripped gushing red to a pink with some bleeding through.

...but no longer a life threatening choice to abuse myself. You will get there. Try an hour of judging your actions only with the judgment measuring stick you'd use for a toddler. Then increase the timespan with practice, practice, and more practice. Whenever you are noticing your self-harming language, just stop and say a comforting statement you think would be nice to be told. 'Good effort...nobody's perfect...just relax and try to feel enjoyment about the good parts. I deserve that."

(((((angel2write)))))

 

[Meadowsweet]

Angel, I could have written your second post about myself it is so close.

I'm 39 and also don't know who I am.

But I think it was 7/8 years ago I became aware of not knowing me. And somehow being so isolated it's more noticable because there's no-one to show in their responses or to tell me who I am.

But I think having been so many me's, I recognise that it is just trying on new make-up, and I recognise that in others too. Sometimes it seems like everything from advertisements to religions are just trying to sell us a personality 'type' that we should aspire to (usually by buying their product or donating to their cause). It makes everyone seem a bit like actors on a stage and for me, people who believe that they are this or that seem lost and taken in by it all.

But I like Shakespeare and he wrote about all the world being a stage and the people just actors, and there are many other writings and beliefs that have embraced the idea that our outer persona isn't real. So I've kind of come to accept that I play roles, as does everyone, it's simply that I'm aware of it.

But at the moment, the split between my inner self and outer self is too conflicting. As one part crumbles under the weight of all my crap, the outside tries to maintain an image of perfection in fear that someone might see the mess inside. And it's pulling me apart.

But, just my feelings about myself, I think it's what is inside me that needs dealing with in order to cope with what the outside self is doing. Not the other way round.

I hope I've been able to make some sense here. (((hugs)))

 

[Froggie]

I'm glad that you shared your experience with us ((((angel2write)))). Many who have had either authoritive parents or negligent parents have done the same thing as you ... look for something concret that you can count on. Looking for peers, those with affinities. We all got caught. Yes the shame of being naïve in all that, but it was a life experience and like my T told me, there is something good in all life experiences. I knew someone who was Wiccan and invited me to a celebration as I was also intrigued by this spiritual philosophy. I found the experience very nice, close to the nature. I did not adhere to the cult as there were aspects that I didn't feel confortable with. I consider myself more of gnostic thinker and doer. I still visit other religions as I do firmly believe what my T said, there is something good in all life experiences that make us grow, and those experiences don't have to be painful.

You had many life experiences, but you are older, more mature and have a better insight of what life is about, and that is a richness that you leaving as a heritage to your offspring. You can conseil them, guide them and care enough to give them boundries and direction ... all this comes from what you experienced.

 

[OtterMedicine]

Down at the bottom, I think I just wanted to be good. I still want to be a good person. But I don't have any idea how to do it. I don't really know how to choose. I'm 39 years old, married, with four kids, and I'm still not sure who I am.

But I'm working on figuring it out.

One of the most frightening things that I had to come to terms with was that there is no one out there that could give me the "right answer" and that I had to figure it out for myself.

Thinking on it, it makes sense. I grew up with people that told me that they knew better than I did and that my thoughts were invalid by comparison. I carried that pattern into my interactions as an adult. The realization that I alone was responsible for recognizing and shaping my understanding of the universe was like a giant sinkhole opening up underneath me.

There are still times when I want someone to tell me what the rules of being good are; I totally get where you are coming from. If someone tells me, then I am safe because I know where the lines are. Instead, I have to rely on my 'internal crone;' the part of me that is an old woman that has been there and done that. (We all have one.) I guess it is a 'if I were wise and compassionate I would say/do this and see how that feels' type of thinking.

That this is how I choose. I don't think it is right or wrong, just how I do it. We all have to figure out what will work for each of us, and it changes as we change.

Hope that this helps.

 

[angel2write]

The realization that I alone was responsible for recognizing and shaping my understanding of the universe was like a giant sinkhole opening up underneath me.

There are still times when I want someone to tell me what the rules of being good are; I totally get where you are coming from. If someone tells me, then I am safe because I know where the lines are.

Yes, exactly. :cry::cry::cry:

I guess even the act of understanding this is progress. Even the ability to look back and identify my former behavior as "childish" is a step up from looking back and feeling like I was "evil."

Thank you all for giving me an outside perspective on this. And Bloom... I'll work on the little day-to-day ones, too. Thanks. :inlove:

 

[OtterMedicine]

I guess even the act of understanding this is progress. Even the ability to look back and identify my former behavior as "childish" is a step up from looking back and feeling like I was "evil."

Does it have to be judged? Can it be just 'that where you were at that time?'

Just asking...