General So I'm Back

[MoeX]

Hey all,
Well it looks like I’m back. Not sure anyone remembers but I ended it with my suffer last June due to finding out he was talking to other women while we were living apart. Did really well I thought. Limited contact with him unless it concerned our daughter. Then our baby girl got really sick and was admitted to children’s hospital. We were both there, scared and worried. During that time he was my rock and let me be the vulnerable one. When we were finally released he came home with us. Said he had been wrong and that we were his family and he wanted us to be together. He was in therapy and on med's and said he wanted to be better. I agreed so we are trying this again. We have our good and bad days.

He's off med's again. Said they were not doing anything for him even though I saw the differences in him. The therapy group he was enrolled in ended and due to some scheduling error at the VA he hasn't been able to get into another group. He was able to see his PCP last week who has sent him back for med management and requested therapy again. For new years he promised that this year would be better than last for us. I thought we were off to a good start. Then I noticed his shady behaviour with his phone. Checked it and there it is all over again. Chat sites. None of the previous types of conversations but they are there none the less. I confronted him with it. Gave him an ultimatum. Either he erases any/all numbers in the phone that are not needed, deletes chat sites and gives me access to the phone or he leaves. Of course he goes right into shut down mode and leaves with his mom to help her move. He spends the night at his dads and hangs out with his sister. Texts me hours later to tell me that he struggles so much. That he can’t talk feelings with me cause anyone he says he loves to leave him or he winds up hurting them. I explained that I'm the one that has been here for 4 years, I'm the only one that hasn't walked away even though I'm the one that gets hurt the most. He comes home yesterday like nothing happened. Talkative and in a good mood. Calls me into the room to tell me he agrees to all my requests and did what I asked.

I realized that when he does this there is some kind of underlying reason. He is struggling with something and seems to use the sites as an outlet from the real world. He can talk to these random people and pretend like nothing is wrong. Act as if he has no issues and all is right with him and also get an ego boost. Although he gets this boost from it this is still not acceptable. Its disrespectful to me and toxic to the relationship. Not to mention the effect it will have on our child.

I'm here again because I need the support from everyone here. I need someone in my corner telling me that it is okay to walk away if I need to and I can do so without guilt. I also need someone to hold me accountable for my actions and to help me carry the load when it gets too difficult. It’s so much easier to have people that have been where I am to encourage me or talk me out of bad situations. Especially since you all know that a PTSD relationship is not always black and white but has many shades of gray. Thanks in advance and sorry this was so long.

 

[nursenurse]

Get out now. Okay? :D

Seriously, you have my support, quit with the :banghead::banghead::banghead:and get a grip. Agree to yourself to be nothing more than a co parent as he seemed to show this side of himself when your child was sick. Nothing. Else. And be strong. This is more black and white than you think. Shoddy treatment and shoddy behaviour (repeated) = the proverbial door slam on his arse on the way out. Particularly useful if he is backing out the door instead ;)

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi MoeX, welcome back. I don't think I was already on here when you left, but I'd like to say hi and respond to your message :)

To me it seems like you are thinking very rationally about this, in spite of all the hurt, confusion and frustration this situation must cause. You know he doesn't mean to hurt anyone and that there is an underlying reason for his behaviour. His actions are understandable, but that doesn't mean they are justified.

I do recognise the need to flee into the world where you can pretend to be "normal" and completely fine. PTSD can make me feel like an outsider and a freak among the "normal" people who seem to always be doing great and to only have tiny issues, like "does this dress make me look fat?".
I have one friend that I've known for years that I can go to. She has no idea about my PTSD or anything like that and she just knows me for my happy side, which definitely hasn't disappeared and hopefully never will. So we go shopping and talk about boys and for a moment I feel almost like a normal twenty-something student.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that sometimes a person with PTSD can feel like they need that "escape". You know what your partner is struggling with and that cannot be easy on you either. It takes a lot of strength to support a partner, let alone someone with PTSD. You wrote he told you he distanced himself because he doesn't want you to leave, but doesn't want to hurt you either. To me that sounds like he's feeling a bit trapped. Not by you, but by what he wants to be ( a dedicated, loving partner and father that is happy and energetic) and what he thinks he is (someone with PTSD, who will never hold down a relationship because he either hurts the other person or they leave). So he has two options: change his behaviour or change his attitude. Seems like he's chosen for the last one, which is obviously easier because PTSD unfortunately doesn't get cured overnight.

I guess then the urge to take the easy way run from the people you love and the confrontation can be too strong, and it can temporarily feel really good to convince others and yourself that you're happy and relaxed. Until reality kicks in and you're back to square one.

My point is that he was very probably telling the truth that he wanted to be with you and your daughter. He's just really confused and doing things that are not smart because of it. He needs to get himself back on track, but with the PTSD and the guilt towards his loved ones messing with his head, I can imagine it's sometimes hard to keep heading in the right direction. Perhaps you two can arrange something that can give him some space to flee to? Like when things are getting a bit too much and he just isn't ready to talk about it yet, that he can go somewhere? To a friend, a therapist, a cabin in the woods, whatever works for you and your family. Maybe it's even something you would like to have for yourself.
I think that would give you and your family some space and rest.

Hope this helps you out a bit.

P.S.: I don't know the background on this, so please forgive me if I am talking nonsense. Of course you should not stay with him if he hurts you more than he makes up for in love.

 

[MSMiller]

I agree he is on the sites for the escape and I fear my sufferer will turn to that some day. We are newly weds and have 4 kids total from previous relationships. I say that to say I know it is hard to handle and I would not encourage my own child to make the same decision I have. But the heart loves who it loves and what one person can handle may be different form what another can handle.

At this point you know what your life can be with him and without. Ask yourself are you willing to get on that roller coaster ride and have to police his activity like you would for another child. Would you rather focus your energies into being a balanced rock for your child and set an example of a strong woman not willing to run behind any man, father or otherwise?

He may be a good person and this may be his year of success but put you and your daughters needs first. I encourage you to evaluate your mental and emotional needs; is he the person you can grow old with or the person you can be around without issue to co-parent?

If he is ready to progress you will see it, feel it and know it in your heart.

 

[a3a2]

I think getting back on meds and therapy need to be part of the ultimatum.

 

[MoeX]

First off thanks for the input. Well I do know one thing for sure and is that Im not going anywhere just yet. I joke that Im not the leaving kind but its mostly true. I lack either the abilty or good sence to give up on him just yet. :) Snowwhite what you said made a lot of sence to me. Since we moved back in together things were tons better. Communication, physical relationship, interest in me and trying to make me happy had gotten so much better and then this. He has shown willingness to want to be better. He wants to get back into therapy and on meds. Wants to try school again. I also am looking into getting back in to school and making a better life for myself and my kids. Sometimes I feel as if maybe Im fooling myself and holding on to that hope but I guess only time will tell.

 

[MSMiller]

I was thinking the same way about my situation. When it is good it is really good but when it is bad it is bad. Hope things work out for you and you all are able to move your family forward together.

 

[SeanCharles]

Hello MoeX, Welcome back. I am new to this forum after doing some research after experiencing a medical situation and realizing a missing link existed to this situation. Here's my missing link... I was diagnosed with PTSD and have what I suspect are PNES seizures rather than epileptic seizures (for which I am suspected of having). So, I decided to join this form in order for myself to connect with others who have PTSD and to maybe assist myself in finding treatment(s) and answers which I feel I am finding while having the need to translate those into the necessary questions for the professionals.

Anyway, I figured I would respond letting you know that I am here for myself as well as anyone else.

 

[nursenurse]

Set boundaries and limits, do not become a door mat. Do not romanticize the picture of family. This is business, the business of running your life and those of your kids. If he is not keeping with the tour, then move on, you are not here to rescue. Wanting and doing are two different things, possibly from someone who knows what to say to keep you reeled in. Time will tell. Good luck.