So Ready To Be Over This Damage And "disability"

[maryiscontrary]

Hey guys, I want to let you know how much I appreciate yall. It has been so wonderful being part of a great community.

I never shared my story here. Needless to say, it has been traumatic, with tremendous loss, abuse, and betrayal. I have studied and worked for about 2 years via therapists, groups like this, meditation, self help videos and books reprogramming myself. I have cut out all toxic individuals by employing these three boundary rules--

1. No relationship with liars
2. Ditto with addicts
3. Very limited exposure to people who cannot or will not process empathy.***most important

This has helped so much with emotional regulation and self destructive thoughts. Stop the assholes and bag of dicks entering my life. There goes all of my nuclear family, and many of my friends.

Here is my issue. I am dealing with the fallout of so many years of agony and unbearable stress. I have my own internet business, and though I could take it to great heights, I find my concentration and endurance are waaaay off. Even with living in Ecuador, even with eating all organic, and really, really watching things. I am improving, but it is way, way slow.

Dealing with upset customers really, really drains me...I mean I pull it off, but I have to spend a lot of the day in bed. Same with projects that require a lot of brainpower, like rebuilding a big website. Also, I have some really unusual art projects that have gotten some TV coverage and awards in that past, I know I could be making some good money with that as well...but I just don't have the endurance.

I find that I get immensely angry and resentful. In fact, I am not sure if the lack of endurance causes the murderous pissedness, or if it is the other way around. Seriously, I am trying to figure out the nuts and bolts, cause I really want to move past these multiple trauma CPTSD, and live to my potential.

Your thoughts and insights appreciated.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree with your boundary rules. I am personally struggling with number 3, as my mother is narcissistic and has zero capacity for empathy. I am currently distancing myself from her. I can no longer take the stress, the judgment, the constant disapproval.... It is tough to say the least, but I am FINALLY starting to see that the people we surround ourselves with has a greater effect on healing than I originally thought. I mean, yes, we know that we should separate ourselves from our direct abusers, but I know I need to surround myself with healthy people if I even want a shot at getting better. No offense to anyone here, but I have realized that I cannot even have other PTSD sufferers in my life. I need that draw of normalcy. Online support is fine because there are a few degrees of separation, but I find that my sense of "normal" is so skewed that I can't be around others in real life who have the same issues as me. Sorry for the tangent, was sort of on a roll there, and its kind of related.....

 

[maryiscontrary]

I find that it doesn't really matter if someone has PTSD or other mental problems, but if they have character issues with those 3 rules (for me), this is where I have a problem.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think its because I am farther along in my healing than anyone else I've ever met with PTSD.

 

[maryiscontrary]

More feedback welcome. Please

 

[Lucycat]

Seriously, I am trying to figure out the nuts and bolts, cause I really want to move past these multiple trauma CPTSD, and live to my potential.
.

How do you know what your potential is/ was? It sounds as if you are achieving a lot - but feel you could do more. Is that realistic? Is that part of the 'never feeling quite good enough' that comes with CPTSD?

When is good enough good enough? When do you accept all the valuable work and endeavours of your life and feel proud of yourself? You can have boundaries and keep others out, but can you allow yourself in?

 

[The Albatross]

What happens if you don't do the day in bed after a particularly difficult customer? I think I'd do some mini goal challenges and up the level of "uncomfortable" a notch or two. Learning how to be expansive enough to tolerate stress without retreat is a learnable skill. In recovery circles we used to call it "chronically uncomfortable"... if I'm uncomfortable I'm not repeating cycles or patterns because I'm out of my "familiar" zone or mode.

I think I would also make some solid effort at changing the self talk dialogue. For instance, I would reverse the statements when you shared "I am dealing with the fallout of so many years of agony and unbearable stress. [snip] I am improving, but it is way, way slow."

Flip the script. "I am slowly improving and it is slow because I am dealing with many difficult years." Slow or no, progress is progress. You sound good, glad to read you. Very much liked your three rules.

 

[The Albatross]

Doubled back... care to dig a bit into this part? "I find that I get immensely angry and resentful", where does this come from and what does this (do you think/feel) this connects to?

 

[ghotiff]

Maybe being clear on your goals and what you want to achieve. Do you want to be earning X amount, or do you want to be able to work a 40hour week or do you want something else (a business that draws respect from others - probably a less healthy goal?).

Maybe you don't want to feel limited by your PTSD....but I believe that you can be limited and happy.

 

[Hashi]

My thought is that working to heal would usually take longer than two years.

I don't believe that PTSD is a disability we have to live with forever. I do think it takes significant time and effort to recover not only from trauma and negative behaviour patterns, but also from the impact on our psychological and emotional skills. For me, getting angry, resentful and overwhelmed are things I also have to work on. This is taking a lot of time but I'm not sure I'd say it's slow, if I think about how much there is and how deep it goes.

You've obviously made a lot of progress and done much to improve your life. I'm wondering if you might have had an unrealistic expectation that moving to Ecuador and making other big, positive changes would be the final piece of what you needed to do? Rather than it being a great move forward and putting you in a better place to continue to work on healing.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Thanks so much guys, man I really appreciate you guys taking the time.

How do you know what your potential is/ was? It sounds as if you are achieving a lot - but feel you could do more. Is that realistic? Is that part of the 'never feeling quite good enough' that comes with CPTSD?

Lucy cat, good question. I have done a lot, lot more, as in toxic...many, many hours with my business, much more money, a lot more productive, caring for multiple dying people, end of life issues. Stupid f*cking overachievement. I have two autoimmune issues that I am really trying to work through. I do have that inner critic that only very rarely pops up any more. I think I just got myself really burned out.

Doubled back... care to dig a bit into this part? "I find that I get immensely angry and resentful", where does this come from and what does this (do you think/feel) this connects to?

Albatross...thanks much for your entire feedback. I do get my work done, I just feel like dog crap when I do too much. Like I will get serious rapidly dehydrating gastritis (autoimmune) if I do too much. Also I have so pretty high antibodies for my thyroid that I have managed to bring down some through strict diet and lifestyle modifications, but that gets me down. What I think it was, was that I drove myself 7 days a weeks for years, through multiple traumas, and I just got worn out. I think I get angry and resentful because being a person with Asperger (you would not notice it initially), I was unable to determine the social cues that my extremely harmful family, and social environment was throwing at me. As a result, I stuffed down many traumas and feelings over decades, and hobbled through life in agony...thinking this was how life was, suck it up.

I get very resentful that I was not able to see how badly I was being injured by others, and stop it earlier so as to not deal with this huge f*cking fallout.

Ghotiff....yes, I am slowly working towards this goals. I sometimes beat myself up for being lazy. But I know that's just the inner critic popping up.

Hashi...Hon, you are probably right. Let me tell you, Ecuador is the best decision I made in my life. My god, the quality of life is better here by a long shot. A person doesn't need a car here, public transport is so organized in most of the country. Many free and low cost options in healthcare, so you don't put things off cause you can't afford it. A lot less drug and alcohol use...man in the US, many, many people self medicate cause of the stress. I am Gen X, and frankly most of my US cohorts have really turned to the dark side. Hard to have friends with a lot of people, cause so many of them drink, or have other serious addictions. Wounded. Ecuadorians have a lot more cohesive social unit, even more than the Mexicans from what I can see, and they just love gringos that get into their culture and language. More love here.

I suppose one thing slowing me down, behind the anger and resentment, is the fact I am just so damned hurt. I am peace loving, giving, respectful for others effort, pull my weight, and these "qualities" have been trampled over and over and over by my severely PD family, my Exes, my employers (hence self employed). I mean, these qualities are what hold civilizations together, and my FOO, etc., just abused the shit out of them. I am NC with a boatload of people, all self destructive, and destructive. And I just didn't f*cking know better.