Undiagnosed So Sad, Ashamed, Guilty, Afraid, Anxiety

[SoSadGuilty]

Today is no better. I fear if I don't keep checking I will forget something I deserve to be punished for. That I may have harmed someone and forgotten. For many years I forgot about the incidents I recounted on this forum. Who knows what other horrors I have buried, what other disgusting things I have done. I'm so tired, I'm afraid to relax in case I've forgotten something and that knock at the door will come and all will be lost. I cannot live like this anymore. It is too painful and I'm so ashamed.

 

[Gadgie]

You have nothing to feel guilty about, when you sit back and look at it all from a different angle, you will see things totally differently.

Like that scene in the film " dead poets society" when he got all his students to get up and stand on their desks, they were all amazed as to how the room looked different.

It means, they have seen that room every day for years, but never really noticed it, but when they saw the same room, from their desk tops, they saw things that had never noticed or even saw before.

Well, that's what I thought that scene meant in the film, but I could be wrong? Good luck.

 

[Lucycat]

Keep reading and re-reading all the replies on here, and hug them to your heart. NOBODY thinks badly of you. You are having a tough time and it will get better.

 

[Born to Run]

If you are having such a very hard time could you get an earlier appointment with your therapist? Or I believe it is a totally new therapist, you could even try and check another to see if they have time to see you sooner maybe. Just trying to think out loud as you really need help from a professional. Can you find a trauma therapist instead of a clinical psychologist? The latter is by no means by definition specialised in trauma. Maybe you know all this already, just trying.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

If you are having such a very hard time could you get an earlier appointment with your therapist? Or...

I rather naively assumed that a clinical psychologist was what I needed actually so it is really helpful that you've pointed out they may not be what I need.

I ended up with the psychiatrist yesterday as I was feeling like I couldn't go on any longer. I was prescribed a higher dose of anti-depressant and Risperadone. I'm also due to be looked after by the home care team from today. The psych felt at the moment I needed to focus on getting my mood stabilised before seeing anyone else so I'm going to cancel the psychologist anyway. I think I'll start another thread about how to find the right kind of therapist because I can't keep going through this kind of agony for the rest of my life. I just can't keep doing it.

 

[Born to Run]

Ok good you contacted your psychiatrist. I think that it is a great idea to start a thread, maybe ask for some Irish input, as every country has their different healthcare system. There are threads in general you could search for on finding a trauma therapist and what to look for. Some people make initial appointments with several therapists and then decide on the basis of the first intake. Personally, I find it important that a trauma therapist has a large toolbox they can draw from and are not entirely fixed in one method only.

Edit: you wrote that you are not sure you have PTSD; would your psychiatrist not be the one to diagnose you and in case of PTSD refer you to a good trauma therapist?

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Ok good you contacted your psychiatrist. I think that it is a great idea to start a thread, maybe as...

The home care team today did ask me about my childhood and my family relationship but we didn't go into a lot of detail. Psychiatrist are funny over here, they don't seem to like giving labels of any kind. For years none of them told me that the obsessive thoughts were not because I was mad or bad but because I had OCD as well as depression. I think I will talk more to them about trauma & PTSD.