Undiagnosed So, This Is Me...

[Suzetig]

Hi everyone, I've recently registered and have been doing lots of reading. I figured it was time I introduced myself.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I belong here, I'm in therapy at the moment originally for work issues which now seem to have set me off remembering childhood issues that I had thought I'd resolved. I'm being treated for anxiety brought about by the work issues but have started to remember more and more about childhood abuse, can't think clearly, have strong feelings of guilt and shame that seem to come out of nowhere - i can go from feeling like "myself" to feeling utterly broken in seconds.

I'm trying to figure out whether this is something to open up with my therapist or whether I just need to focus on work and daily life and stop over thinking things. I probably know the answer to this one if I'm honest but am scared of opening Pandora's box, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, this is me, I'm going to hang around for a while and try to figure some of this stuff out.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Suzetig,

Welcome to the forum!

Take some time to remember why you started therapy in the first place and if it was to make your life better, don't stop what you started even if it seems really frightening. As you read here, you'll find a common theme of how at times it gets worse before it gets better. Address your fears and concerns with your therapist so you can get information and develop the skills that will help lessen the negative impact. Just keep in mind that things really can get better and a lot of the time, much better.

Debbie

 

[Suzetig]

Thanks for your welcome, I did go into therapy to make things better. I'm starting to feel so much better than I did which makes me wonder why I want to open up something I know will cause me pain at least to begin with. Perhaps that's the conversation I need to have with my therapist.

 

[I am .....]

I suggest you definitely have that conversation with ur T. Just remember (and I'm speaking from experience) once you open 'Pandora's Box' you cannot close it - so make sure youre ready. Sometimes some things are better left alone. In saying that, for me, it's changing my life for the better.

 

[Sorrento]

Hi Suzetig,
Welcome and good on you for tackling the hard things.
It does sound like you it would be a good idea to talk to your therapist more about what might happen during / as an outcome of therapy if you open up about the past things. Most probably it will be upsetting for quite a whole after each session in an intense way, and take quite a while until you can feel settled again in the longer term.

Some therapists/ psychologists say it's better, or it's ok, to leave the past in the past. And they will help you build strategies to deal with current issues - like work issues for eg. I think it's cognitive behavioural therapy.

Take care, I hope you have found a good therapist.

 

[Suzetig]

Thanks Sorrento, I do have a very good T, she's a trauma specialist and has been very careful of me in dealing with the work issues which are trauma based, so I know she won't leave me feeling overwhelmed. I do understand what you mean about feeling "ready" I am... On some level I've avoided dealing with the abuse issues for a long time - it's just whether now is the time to unpick it all. I do think that if I keep avoiding its going to come back and bite me but I'll certainly talk to T about it cos she has an idea of how resilient I am, my coping skills etc.

 

[Sorrento]

At work, so it could be bullying and harassment, client behaviour or events in emergency services?
One thing I know is if we/workers are still in the same environment, we are susceptible to more of the same.
Apparently some of us will cope and the others will get more damaged with each incident and become irrepairable.

 

[Suzetig]

Yes, workplace bullying which was persistent and long standing - my manager basically picked me to pieces over a number of years, belittling and undermining me. Her behaviour was very unpredictable and she would be aggressive and personally abusive if things weren't well for her. It's a long story but she could also be quite charming and accommodating when she wanted and I got quite stuck in trying to know how to deal with her in a way that didn't result in her being abusive towards me, I finally complained about the bullying last year and have until now been trying to follow grievance processes while continuing to work with, and be bullied by, her. I had 2 months off work with stress and anxiety and am still not really back to full working hours or duties despite being back at work now for 2 months. I'm still in the same workplace but she's been suspended now pending formal investigation - it's entirely possible I may need to work with her again at some point, which is a whole other issue and will probably mean me changing jobs. My T has been getting me to a stable place so we can unpick the impact of this woman's behaviour on me and I think I'm just about ready to look at that.

Anyhow, in trying to understand what happened at work, I've opened up old wounds around long term physical abuse i experienced as a child and it this that I'm trying to decide whether to deal with. Of course, I still have some way to go with the bullying stuff so it's not necessarily a decision I need to make just now. I never would have believed workplace bullying could have had such an impact on me...

 

[Sorrento]

Sounds like this bully is someone who is threatened by competent people, plus other psychological reasons.
If the bullying is proven (and work might not ever admit publicly they know she was in the wrong), the insurer might likely say it is not safe for you to work in the same place as her. That is how they might advise the employer and the employer might have to comply or they won't be insured.
Workplace bullying is not understood properly by people who don't experience it.
Ah. I better go to sleep now.
Enjoy tomorrow.
Sorrento

 

[Notsowild]

I'm going through the same issues. I have been on medical stress leave due to bullying boss. Just had my second trauma ( car accident ) trying to deal with all these new symptoms then I get this new verbally abusive boss. I have a great psychiatrist and trauma therapist. We are working on Exposure therapy and CBT. I need to try to get back to work but its been hard. I also have childhood sexual and physical abuse. I thought I had dealt with them. But they keep sneaking into my current therapy.

So I understand what you are going through. Welcome to the forum. This is a wonderful place.

 

[Suzetig]

Thanks notsowild, it'sawful when things won't stay in their "box" isn't it. How is your therapist dealing with the past issues that keep creeping in?

 

[Notsowild]

Thanks notsowild, it'sawful when things won't stay in their "box" isn't it. How is your therapist dealing with the past issues that keep creeping in?

It's hard. There are things we deal with like trust and self esteem that are still affecting me today. But I'll try to change the subject if we start getting into the actual abuse.

It all comes down to having to try and get back to my job so I have limited time. My insurance and extended health are only covering about 15 sessions. After that I would have to pay. Which I might for awhile because he is an excellent trauma specialist.

Was it hard for you to go back to work ?