Sufferer So Unhappy

[Stclara]

Hi there.
I was diagnosed 3 years ago and had edmr which seemed to help but I couldn't finish the course of 30 sessions as I became pregnant. I have not found all my issues or memories have been resolved and I can't access any more nhs support. I'm very grateful I got a diagnosis and therapy as I feel I can understand why I feel the way I do so much of the time.

I was diagnosed with cptsd due to domestic violence in my childhood home, perpetrated by my mother, father and then older brother, between eachother and towards me. I also suffered 5 separate incidents of sexual violence during my teens and twenties.
I find I feel emotions incredibly intensely, I am desperate to feel loved and a sense of belonging, and I often feel incredible rage, usually towards my husband. I have terrible anxiety and dreams and am often sleepless. I try to be a good parent to my two children but I struggle with suicidal ideation, intense anxiety, anger, and I find I am triggered by children crying and shouting, and the sleepless nights compound my symptoms, it seems. I try to recognise this and to use coping strategies to manage my feelings of panic and distress so they are unaffected. If I cannot manage and am in danger of shouting, I take diazepan.
I feel intensely resentful of the demands on me in terms of house keeping and child rearing and doing a full time job. I simply have no time to process triggers, to go to therapy, to go swimming, all of which help to manage the condition.

I am at a crisis point where I want to leave my husband as I cannot expect any emotional support from him, as he finds any show of emotion draining and angering. My daily family life is a show of cheerful pretence to everyone until I go to bed alone and cry endlessly.

Similarly, I have a job that I find satisfying if demanding and I have to pretend I have a stomach ulcer as I feel they would be judgemental and unsupportive, possibly to the extent I would lose my job by constructive dismissal if they knew the real reason for occasional absence.

I am desperate to be part of a community where I live , as we relocated some distance away from family and friends 2 years ago, but I feel so very different from all the people I meet who have normal, loving family backgrounds and are not blighted by mental health problems that I try so hard to hide.

I have increasing physical health problems too now, mainly back problems and stomach difficulties.

Sorry if this sounds horribly ungrateful and self pitying. I just don't know how to cope or be happy anymore. Before I got married, i used to be surrounded by friends locally and it made a huge difference and was an amazing normaliser and support. My husband did not like the area which is why we moved far away. I'm now so lonely and tired.

I would welcome any advice or support. Thanks for reading.

 

[intothelight]

@Stclara Welcome to the forum!

Your post does not come across as self pitying, but as honest and someone who is struggling. Without PTSD, juggling a family and a full time job is stressful, and putting PTSD into the mix increases the struggle exponentially.

This forum is a great site for peer support, but one suggestion that I would give is to go ahead and make time for yourself. It seems counterintuitive with the needs of children, but in the long run if you are feeling your best then you are a better parent.

You didn't provide the age of your children, but when my children were younger some of the best friends that I made were through the children. Other mothers who were participating in the same sports or scouting activities that my children were involved in. It was a great way to meet people and over the years we all became a huge support system as most of us worked and we all lent a helping hand to each other.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Hi and welcome X am so sorry to hear about your trauma , to be honest in some ways u sound very similar to me X where did you locate to ? 39 sessions of emdr is a lot! So whatever you had would have been a bonus X you can't go guan constructive dismissal as they cannot discriminate you with your diagnosis of Ptsd if that's what you have been formally diagnosed as X I'm happy to give you my number in private pm if uoh would like a friend you can offload to X please try to take each day as it comes it appears you are trying too hard to please lots of people but you are only hurting yourself in the process and are stressing yourself out X I live in north west London and am happy to talk to you on the phone if you think it will help or just listen if you want to offload X take care X

 

[seedling]

Being able to stay in some kind of therapy would help gradually reduce your symptoms and give you perspective to deal with your marriage and employment situations. Untangle more of the past and how it is intruding on your present life.

Your physical symptoms are a way of letting you know that there are things to deal with. It seems like you know this already but are unsure how to find the support and energy to do something.

Small steps are a good start. Maybe make a list of what you most need and find a way to get part of one of those things. Is there a way to stay in touch with your old friends and your family? Are you feeling cut off from contacting them?

Hang in there!