So Unsure

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I went to Disney World last week with my family, my brother's family, and my parents. Most of the trip was okay. It was neat to watch the kids experience Disney for the first time. Being in Disney was magical on my symptoms in many ways. I have dissociative identity disorder along with the PTSD and all of the parts that I could communicate with and I decided to take a break and just enjoy the trip as best we could. In that respect things were successful.

Since I have been back, however, things have not been great. It's like there's more trying to get out than there was before. It seems like symptoms are worse because there was a break. Does that make any sense? I am so unsure of myself and what I should be doing.

I have a part that has been triggered back into eating disorders and I feel helpless to stop it. Then, I feel unsure about that. Am I just letting it happen or is is truly a struggle?

I also feel like I am unlovable and unwanted and unsure whether or not I am too much of a burden for people to handle. I keep trying to think ahead and be strong and goal oriented, but I am so, so tired of trying to figure this all out.

 

[Powder]

I can relate to your post, though I don't have the Dx, I have a lot of the symptoms, including hearing parts talking in my just about to wake up time about eating and then realizing later that I am unable to eat except along the lines they discussed, as if they decided for me.

Seems to happen during stress, but also just sometimes at random.

Could it be that some child parts are sad they cannot go back? I know I have that issue, and they are acting out?

Also, I don't know about your perceptions, but for me, seeing all the "happy kids" in life is hard on me. I feel like my childhood was simply one shit sandwich after another to the extent that I could never eat it all. And I'm surrounded by evidence that most kids are not in the same boat. First grade lunchroom was total shock to me. I was surrounded by a crowd of normal kids and for the first time realized that I was so different. I have never recovered from that shock. It recurs all the time.

I go to Disney often and give my whole self permission to derive fun and pleasure from the place. I have had a couple inner conflicts over this, of course, but overall, like you, I think it's good to try to insert fun in life as much as possible with PTSD and DID or dissociation.

Sorry to double post, I cannot edit my posts now for some reason. But I also notice I can remember what happens at Disney more than I can at home or at work, so my system seems to suspend much of my dissociation while I am there where I feel safe.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks, @Muse . That gives me some thoughts to think about. I don't really ever feel safe, but there was a sense of comfort and safety in Disney. I wish I could go back but I am sure it will be years before that happens. My therapist suggested doing an artwork of Disney and go back there in my mind and heart. Right now I think that idea is stupid, but it's probably a good one and I am just not ready for it.

 

[jc3]

I went to Disney World last week with my family, my brother's family, and my parents. Mos...

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I totally understand what you are describing regarding your feelings upon your return back home. I think breaks from our routines in our daily life serve as a bit of an oasis, and once we return back to our home life it is a bit of a shock to us. I went out of town two years ago with some relatives to meet a family who are regarded as celebrities in their community. We had a tour of the facilities they own that act as a service to the poor and homeless, or just the less fortunate. It was an all expenses paid mini vacation. I did not have to pay for anything. Coming back home the next day did something to me, and at that time I had a lot of financial stressors at home which were increasing my flashback symptoms. I didn't feel very safe in my home life. I was struggling to eat more than once a day and keep my car on the road. I was so overwhelmed that I destroyed my laptop and my ipod because of having such immense flashback symptoms. I admitted myself into a transitional care unit for a few days. There have been a few other occasions where I returned home after spending time with relatives and felt a similar twinge of sadness upon my return, but fortunately I have been practicing a lot of reparenting and flashback management which has provided me with more internal safety. I live alone and have spent many days and nights alone throughout my recovery which has been a strong visual cue for abandonment depression. So, whenever I have a short break from that routine and come back to it, I have a period of grief. Complex PTSD is very difficult to live with.

 

[Powder]

What really helps me to feel like I'm safe and having a good time and to help me feel it won't be long before I can go back is to make a food I ate there and watch the rides I like on YouTube.

A lot of times, it is almost as fun as being there. Also the parades are on YouTube and the shows.

Some people feel just the same and decide to move closer and get annual passes or work there and get to go free and get discounts and other perks.

Whatever you decide, loving and understanding yourself through this is a way of finding a way to add more joy and positive feelings into the mixed bag that is life. Finding ways to celebrate your life, even with its ups and downs, and its darknesses and its lights, and striking some kind of balance that works for you is what its about.

Moving away from my abusive family, so that I would not longer be forced to bump into them and be triggered or retraumatized, and living by WDW, getting annual passes and going whenever I can and taking in food to stick to a budget, has helped me to lower my Blood pressure that was high, stay in shape, get off all my PTSD meds, and find that life is better when my inner children and my adult can share a good day a couple times a month. Everyone inside can agree and get along and I find it smoothes out the differences. The family that plays together stays together. This is true of my actual current family and my inner family.

Bless you, and I pray and send good thoughts for you to find a way to incorporate your bliss into your life in a simple, easy way, so that you can take those walks on the beach or walks through a safe park like this, often and take comfort from the simplicity of just enjoying a bit of time with less symptoms and more "you" in harmony.

XOXO Muse

 

[Freedomfighter]

I went to Disney World last week with my family, my brother's family, and my parents. Mos...

I love disney land but tend to go to more quiet venues now. The reason one might experience more pain after a vacation could be due to the fact that the brain was not in active training. Whether it is mental or physical training. One has to stay actively involved with mental and physical training. I was aware of the benefits with my physical training, but a very smart, and relentless person has shown me that these principals also apply to mental training. Rigorous, yep , unrelenting, but then that is what PTSD is, it is an unrelenting disease and if we dont relent then we have a chance.

 

[Recovery4Me]

((((hugs)))) Just because.

I believe in you (as I have read you over the years) and have confidence that you are on a path to heal some of your inner child. Perhaps when some things seem tossed all over the place, it is because you are restructuring them in an order that represents the newer you.

Moving forward, sometimes means letting go of some of the weight or baggage through understanding as well as acceptance of some shadow parts of ourselves. Change can often accompany an feeling of "being unsure" within the new space or horizon opening up within our heart - for self compassion.

I am glad that you allowed yourself fun. You deserve happiness.