So Upset With My Therapist And Don't Know What To Do

[Sandstone]

The only urgent decision is whether to see her tomorrow or not. Where do you come down between needing to resolve this so you know what you are dealing with, and needing time to work through your thoughts and feelings so you know what are the most important issues to discuss? As you are now in an email negotiation, how much do you feel you can complete in writing?

Part of me thinks I should accept the one session per month at £80 and be grateful for it

Take what your given and be grateful for it? That is a line I've heard from parents. It usually emerges when they feel bad about a deficiency in what they can offer. But that may be my bias.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for the replies.

I'm still in quite a state here, so I have read and appreciated all your messages but can't really get my head around replying to everything properly,

Re whether I go tomorrow or not - part of me thinks I should stay away and let things settle a bit. I want to just curl up and withdraw. But really, I think I will work myself into an absolute frenzy if I postpone it for a week. So I think I will probably go. My partner has just suggested that I ask my therapist tomorrow how she thinks we will make it work doing one session a month - how we will manage the time and set a plan so that we maximise the session time. I think that sounds like a good option - if I can park the emotional stuff and she can outline in practical terms how once a month can be of real value, I can then go away and think about how I feel after seeing her and whether I think I can get over the emotional/relational stuff...

She doesn't generally get into email discussions about things. She suggested I email her what I could afford so that it was "easier for me" instead of me having to talk about money face to face. I now suspect that doing it over email was easier for her too! But if I go back to her on email with some of the points I've posted here, I know she won't come back to me on it properly. At the very least I will just get a "let's discuss tomorrow."

I know it's very raw at the moment and I don't want to rush into a rash decision about any of this but I'm really not sure I will be get over how I feel about how she's handled this situation. Even if I won the lottery this week, I don't actually think that would fix this now.

 

[barefoot]

am I right in thinking you had asked for shorter sessions to enable you to taper off and she said, again, not to worry about it?

No, I didn't ask her that. About three months ago when she first said that we had five hours left (which was a mistake in itself - it spooked the hell out of me and then turned out to be that we had 10 hours left!) she started saying about how I needed to think about how I use those remaining sessions e.g. we could do shorter sessions or spread them out and do fortnightly. My anxiety instantly shot off the scale as I wasn't expecting it and hearing that I had five hours left really scared me. And I panicked because it sounded to me like she was planning a completion/termination. So the whole conversation completely derailed the whole session as I was so spooked and then went into shutdown then afterwards was in a total panic that she was wrapping things up with me.

After that I emailed her, I think, telling her how spooked and panicked I was and that it sounded like she was trying to wrap up our work. The next session, we talked about it and she said she wasn't doing that at all and she wasn't going to abandon me, we would find a way to work if I wanted to continue etc. So I felt reassured.

And I don't think either of us have mentioned session length/frequency since. From my point of view I had genuinely started to trust that it wasn't an issue I needed to think/worry about because I felt like we were still going to carry on with weekly sessions. And I now feel quite stupid about the fact that I thought that.

So...we continued to have weekly 90 min sessions until Christmas then she dropped me a line just after Christmas, confirming my first January appointment date and saying it was for 60 mins. We hadn't discussed that and, I don't know why, but I didn't say anything and just accepted it. So then I had 4 hour-long sessions, the last of which was last week.

God, sorry..,rambling on!

 

[Sandstone]

I may be picking up on this wrongly, because I'm in a wobbly place right now.

It sounds to me as though you are saying you will

park the emotional stuff

and just comply, by accepting

she just wouldn't have that conversation.

and continuing not to have it. If I did that I would be repeating my everlasting pattern

I didn't say anything and just accepted it.

of accommodating everyone else at my cost.

If you don't discuss it all with her, won't you end up carrying all the pain inside yourself?

 

[Suzetig]

if I can park the emotional stuff and she can outline in practical terms how once a month can be of real value,

Therapy is exactly the place to do the emotional stuff. It does sound like her idea of you being able to continue to work together was completely different go yours, which I guess is what happens when things go unsaid.

It does seem to me that she's trying to avoid a difficult conversation about time, money etc which is very unfair to you. Given you're the more vulnerable person in the relationship it was for her to be clear and yes, I would feel like trust had been damaged if that happened to me. I hear what you say about postponing a week, but you have folk here to rant at, break down with and to support you if you do want to give yourself space to let things settle a bit. It might help you decide what you want, whether the relationship is salvageable and whether that's even what you want.

My fear is that you go tomorrow, accept what she says/offers and then spend however long kicking yourself for doing it. Use the supports around you to help you put your own needs first in this. You don't need to just "accept" anything if you don't want to.

 

[barefoot]

@Sandstone I think, if I'm honest, some of what you say probably does resonate .
But I think I also meant - if I can try to be measured tomorrow and not get over-emotional or overwhelmed (which will probably lead to shut down) I can gather information about what she thinks is possible/realistic about how we can make the plan she has proposed. And I can see how I feel about being with her. And then I can decide how I feel and what I want to do.

In reality, I don't think I'll be able to not mention any of the stuff about how I feel about this whole situation. And I'm sure I will cry! I just don't want to get so caught up in that and then shut down and then not to be able to have a proper discussion about what moving forwards will actually look like if that's what I choose to do. If that makes sense?

 

[Rumors]

I have nothing to add except that I am really sorry and that totally sucks... So very sorry!

 

[barefoot]

You don't need to just "accept" anything if you don't want to.

Yes, I know I need to try to remember this...thanks. The irony is that one of her big things for me is about me "finding my no" and having my no respected. And now it looks like she's the one I'm going to end up having to try to say no to, so that I don't just go along with whatever she says.

It feels like, if I don't accept what she's offering, I won't have her at all. And that feels scary and sad and I don't feel ready for that at all.

I have to go into London tomorrow anyway for a work meeting. So maybe I'll see how I feel after that. I just can't bear not knowing where I stand. So I want to go and get things sorted out. But I don't really know what sorting this out actually means.

If I decide to cancel, what do I say? Do I say that I need some time to think after her email or do I just feign sickness??

 

[Suzetig]

It's up to you - if you feel like saying you need time that's fine but if you don't want to get into it with her that's understandable too. It's not the first time I've had a convenient migraine. It's ok for you to do whatever you need to look after yourself.

I know the thought of not having her at all is scary but as @joeylittle saud that could happen at any point for reasons beyond anyone's control and while it would very hard, you'd survive. As it stands you're not getting what you need just now so you've got very little to lose by negotiating with her. I know it feels huge and in many ways it is but you can survive - with help.

 

[Poofycat]

No, I didn't ask her that. About three months ago when she first said that we had five hours left (whi...

This description of how you both handled the end of the paid sessions makes me wonder about her therapy skills. You freaked when she first brought it up three months ago, so she's very aware of how triggering this topic is to you. She reassured you then you both dropped the topic. Then in January she notified you by email that your session length was being shortened to 60 minutes. Neither one of you ever talked about. Then during your last paid session neither one of you brought up the fact that it was the last one until she pulled out her scheduling book.

It sounds to me like both of you avoided the topic. Yes it's ultimately your responsibility, not hers, to make sure you get the care that you need and this is why you maybe should have tried harder to bring it up earlier. But she was well aware of how triggering this issue is to you then failed to help you deal with it in a timely manner. A big part of a therapists job is helping their clients deal with triggering issues and she completely dropped the ball. I'm not sure how she thought this could play out without damaging the therapeutic relationship.

If have no idea what I would do if I were in your situation. I would have a lot of questions that would need answering before I would feel comfortable continuing with this therapist. But if they were answered satisfactorily then it might make for a big learning opportunity.

 

[barefoot]

@Poofycat Yes, I think those are all fair points. I said to my partner a few times that I felt my therapist was somehow colluding with me in my discomfort and avoidance and I just wanted her to take the lead, bring it up (or somehow help me to) and work with me to get it sorted so that we both knew where we stood and what was going to happen.

But, for whatever reason - and I really don't think I know the reason - I didn't ever feel that I could say that to my therapist. And perhaps that is the really big issue here in all of this. I think I became too attached to her. And I've said it here on the forum before...I think I give her so much power.

I felt like she knew I had huge difficulty with all this stuff (talking about money, asking for help, identifying and expressing my needs, finding my voice, bringing up things that are important to me, making myself vulnerable etc) and I wanted her to help me with it, to help me to manage what needed to be done. And it felt like she just watched me struggle and waited for me to get better at that stuff on my own. And now I have run out of time. And money. Because I didn't do any of it well enough.

 

[scout86]

It feels like, if I don't accept what she's offering, I won't have her at all. And that feels scary and sad and I don't feel ready for that at all.

Would it be accurate to say that's what saying 'no' usually feels like? (It's kind of like that for me.) You might want to tell her what you just said, as a part of the conversation. When ever you have it. Good luck with this! I can really relate to much of what you've been saying.