Emilie- I sympathize. I have been there, and chances are I will go there again. I usually do.
Some days, I am strong, and I can overcome. I tell myself, "no more" and I get out there and I just do it. This can go either way for me at least. Either I come home feeling miserable- someone did something to make it worse, or said something, or what ever- it just makes me feel worse than I did before I tried. Other times, I can do it, something goes incredibly right, and I come back feeling so euphoric that I wonder why I do not try every day. Maybe it is a form of hyper vigilance, maybe it is just a remarkable experience- I am not sure and I doubt I will ever be except that this is how it works for me.
But I want to add, on the days that it has worked best is when I go to places that are less populated. I avoid the stress of traffic by going at a time in which nearly no one else does, and/or I find a place that I can go where it is just unpopulated or minimally so. Recently I went for a drive, a long one. I got in my car and I just went, with no destination in mind. This is practically unthinkable where I live. I am the only one that I know in this country (as of yet) who drives just to drive, who goes just to go without purpose. But this is what I do, because it is the only way at times. I stopped at a small store on the way home where I knew I would most likely be the only person actually purchasing anything, limiting my amount of exposure to possible negative encounters. For me, this works- sometimes. I have to function, keep food in the house, keep the kids in order, etc. so I am only able to isolate myself for so long. I am still adapting, and I keep looking for ways to make it easier. This has helped. But I had to force myself to do so. Literally. It is not easy.
(((Emilie)))
