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Childhood Sold
- Post starter Stickler
- Start date
- Status
Stickler, it was not your fault. Never could have been. I wish I could have been there to stop them. To fight those bad people who hurt a child.
In the hospital, I have seen people, who were very sick. I have seen some of them healthy again, some of them dying afterwards. Some of them cheerful despite everything, some of them crying silently, lonely and lost. But there were small things that meant a lot to them. Small things, just a smile, a kind word... We all are incredibly fragile. We all can be broken so easily. I am also afraid to have children... Because someone might hurt them. But I think I grew up a little bit stronger. Day by day, year by year. I used to feel like a broken thing.The nightmares still come, but they are losing their power over me. Maybe, one day, I won´t be afraid. Maybe, one day, you won´t be afraid either. Hope is a fragile thing... yet powerful.
For now, you are alive, you have found your voice.You are opening up. That´s a good start. An excellent start.
My heart breaks for the suffering of an innocent child. But that doesn´t mean my heart is weak; on the contrary...
Wish you a peaceful night.
In the hospital, I have seen people, who were very sick. I have seen some of them healthy again, some of them dying afterwards. Some of them cheerful despite everything, some of them crying silently, lonely and lost. But there were small things that meant a lot to them. Small things, just a smile, a kind word... We all are incredibly fragile. We all can be broken so easily. I am also afraid to have children... Because someone might hurt them. But I think I grew up a little bit stronger. Day by day, year by year. I used to feel like a broken thing.The nightmares still come, but they are losing their power over me. Maybe, one day, I won´t be afraid. Maybe, one day, you won´t be afraid either. Hope is a fragile thing... yet powerful.
For now, you are alive, you have found your voice.You are opening up. That´s a good start. An excellent start.
My heart breaks for the suffering of an innocent child. But that doesn´t mean my heart is weak; on the contrary...
Wish you a peaceful night.
The Albatross
VIP Member
"How come that doesn't work, paying with sex to get attention? We don't know." Because sex in the way that you were indoctrinated is only satiation of lust. You were an instrument/vessel/a tool to the abuser... not what you wanted to be... seen, heard, cherished, cared for properly. I have friend here who doesn't post often anymore who's being sold for sex was extreme and beyond the pale.
Yet she is a wife, mother, and though struggles... an altogether viable person.
This too shall pass... maybe not entirely, most of us can't... not entirely or completely in a forever way... but stick with your support peers and don't give up.
Yet she is a wife, mother, and though struggles... an altogether viable person.
This too shall pass... maybe not entirely, most of us can't... not entirely or completely in a forever way... but stick with your support peers and don't give up.
Do you know anyone who understands DID well, that can help guide you?
- Post starter
- #17
Other friends who are DID. I have a really good DID sourcebook. Other than that? I started out doing inner child work? And found one...then two, then three...
( Now up to a busload of people)
(John Bradshaw never mentioned THIS...)
...I just...try to talk to them, debrief them, work with them. I operate from the point of view that they all started out as attempts to protect the whole in origin/nature-which my ex-therapist said
( Money issues. Can't see her any more. )
My current therapist is...sigh...ok.
...I've been getting the current " wave " of memories back since 2011. From 2011-this year I was getting dad's abuse only. Mostly sexual abuse, though I repressed some battering incidents that were rather extreme.
This year I'm getting...being rented out. Not something I expected at all. Totally bizarre.
Not a risk I would have thought my dad would take, as he could have wound up sharing STI's with me-and getting busted.
Total number of guys I'm remembering so far? Around 20. If I REALLY got rented to that many guys, how did I NOT get STD's?
It was 1979-1982...there was a lot going around, and these were nasty men.
Though I wonder now, thinking about it...
That one pediatrician shot me up with epinephrine and ***penicillin***( i think ) every time I came in sick, then usually gave me antibiotics.
If I had gotten a bacterial STI, the pediatrician could have treated it unknowingly...they overused antibiotics...
The Albatross
VIP Member
Mercy's diary is extreme and rough. Very tough to read. But may be worth an attempt?
I'd consider that's the age it happened in talking, also. Childhood memories can be skewed in places by default, by lack of 'adult' reasoning about the world and not knowing how the world works, down to basics as physics. Add in abuse? Add in multiple perpetrator abuse? Yep. Sure going to feel darned surreal.
Weemie
Diamond Member
Have you been checked as an adult? STIs like HCV & HIV/AIDS are actually quite difficult to catch. Was lucky to be negative after I had to get tested after an incident IP. Thrush & UTIs are more common, as is HPV (detected via pap test). Many can go w/o symptoms.
- Post starter
- #22
@ LR oh yes. Been tested six ways from Sunday on a regular basis, since I don't think it's ok to do the amount of sexual adventuring I do without regular checkups and protection.
Did acquire a dangerous HPV variant semi-recently, but have cleared it.
I'm sorry you were not safe in the hospital. :( Pisses me off. Ironically, hospitals feel safe to me. I was not abused in the hospital.
Did acquire a dangerous HPV variant semi-recently, but have cleared it.
I'm sorry you were not safe in the hospital. :( Pisses me off. Ironically, hospitals feel safe to me. I was not abused in the hospital.
Weemie
Diamond Member
Double the irony? Hospitals feel safe to me, too. Despite the fact that I just don't do doctors. (I know, I know. Hypocrite, neh?) Must be the control freak in me. Control all the environments! Time to fifth-column this shit!
Takeaway, though? Had one therapist (Mr. Crackerjack, Lord of the EFT. Tap your wrist and say, "I love myself!") tell me all about how Feelings Aren't Facts. And that's true; but it's not precise. Things that happen to you, don't define you? That's nice, but it sounds like a post my mom made on Facebook at 4:45PM after a glass of wine.
I think it's this: when someone does something to us, especially as children, we have this tendency to want to explain it. To come up with reasons why it happened, so that we can accept it.
It is easy, if painful, to understand and accept the idea that, "they did bad things to me because I am bad." It makes sense, and it's painful enough that it doesn't require a lot of probing. It's not as easy to internalize, "they did bad things because they are bad, and I had no control over it."
People can do a lot of f*cked up shit to one another, some inhuman shit. It can make you feel inhuman. Spend a lot of my own time trying to convince myself that events aren't value statements. Things that happen to you don't represent your value as a person, filth isn't a tangible value, actions are just reactions.
What I'm trying to say, is: being sold doesn't make you lesser. Someone tried to tell you that your worth came down to a tangible quality, productive efficiency. Corporate bullshit in your head, man. And what's been drilled in? "The customer is always right!" Ha! If only we could've transferred those assholes to Retention, eh? Sayonara!
You know, no one cares if their coffee maker can make them laugh. Your worth is more. People look up to you. You are kind. You are wise. You are a good human bean. :hug:
Takeaway, though? Had one therapist (Mr. Crackerjack, Lord of the EFT. Tap your wrist and say, "I love myself!") tell me all about how Feelings Aren't Facts. And that's true; but it's not precise. Things that happen to you, don't define you? That's nice, but it sounds like a post my mom made on Facebook at 4:45PM after a glass of wine.
I think it's this: when someone does something to us, especially as children, we have this tendency to want to explain it. To come up with reasons why it happened, so that we can accept it.
It is easy, if painful, to understand and accept the idea that, "they did bad things to me because I am bad." It makes sense, and it's painful enough that it doesn't require a lot of probing. It's not as easy to internalize, "they did bad things because they are bad, and I had no control over it."
People can do a lot of f*cked up shit to one another, some inhuman shit. It can make you feel inhuman. Spend a lot of my own time trying to convince myself that events aren't value statements. Things that happen to you don't represent your value as a person, filth isn't a tangible value, actions are just reactions.
What I'm trying to say, is: being sold doesn't make you lesser. Someone tried to tell you that your worth came down to a tangible quality, productive efficiency. Corporate bullshit in your head, man. And what's been drilled in? "The customer is always right!" Ha! If only we could've transferred those assholes to Retention, eh? Sayonara!
You know, no one cares if their coffee maker can make them laugh. Your worth is more. People look up to you. You are kind. You are wise. You are a good human bean. :hug:
- Post starter
- #24
Back again...
I am really disgusted at myself for being poor...for making horrible life decisions. For not forcing myself through college earlier.
...Part of it was the application for Federal Student aid. if you are under 25 they base it on your parent's income.
Hard to get your one parent's income when you can't remember why you want to kill him, but you really, REALLY want to kill him.
I was ashamed of not having normal parents. I was ashamed to be me. I was afraid to get into debt because I did not believe in myself.
And I do NOT believe in myself.
...I'm learning disabled in math...which is a nice way of saying I have a very specialized region of stupidity.
So I'm afraid I will not graduate college.
But I can't live on what I make now.
So I either need to go back to college and graduate, or die, I suppose?
It really makes me feel worthless to think I pulled in more per hour...a LOT more...as a child prostitute than I ever did as an adult worker. I could make dad more as an unwilling victim in actual numerical dollars, in 1979, in 1980 than I can working a 12-hour shift NOW.
I remember dad laughing and saying "yep, that's all she's good for!" and counting the bills that Jerry had handed over to him so that Jerry could take me for a ride in the car...Apparently society agrees with dad to some degree.
I was worth more as a prepubescent body.
I wish I had died a long time ago. I wish Jerry had tied me up and thrown me in the river. I wish I had died from asthma. I wish they'd beat my brains out.
I hate myself.
...And tomorrow I will suck it up and pretend I did not feel this. I will Be Strong.
I will take mom to the doctor's. I will enroll myself in school.
I need to be graduated in four years or else.
I am really disgusted at myself for being poor...for making horrible life decisions. For not forcing myself through college earlier.
...Part of it was the application for Federal Student aid. if you are under 25 they base it on your parent's income.
Hard to get your one parent's income when you can't remember why you want to kill him, but you really, REALLY want to kill him.
I was ashamed of not having normal parents. I was ashamed to be me. I was afraid to get into debt because I did not believe in myself.
And I do NOT believe in myself.
...I'm learning disabled in math...which is a nice way of saying I have a very specialized region of stupidity.
So I'm afraid I will not graduate college.
But I can't live on what I make now.
So I either need to go back to college and graduate, or die, I suppose?
It really makes me feel worthless to think I pulled in more per hour...a LOT more...as a child prostitute than I ever did as an adult worker. I could make dad more as an unwilling victim in actual numerical dollars, in 1979, in 1980 than I can working a 12-hour shift NOW.
I remember dad laughing and saying "yep, that's all she's good for!" and counting the bills that Jerry had handed over to him so that Jerry could take me for a ride in the car...Apparently society agrees with dad to some degree.
I was worth more as a prepubescent body.
I wish I had died a long time ago. I wish Jerry had tied me up and thrown me in the river. I wish I had died from asthma. I wish they'd beat my brains out.
I hate myself.
...And tomorrow I will suck it up and pretend I did not feel this. I will Be Strong.
I will take mom to the doctor's. I will enroll myself in school.
I need to be graduated in four years or else.
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